I’ve recently become obsessed with a video by an uploader on B site. He talks about a lot of weird stuff, the origin of mankind, the mystery of the pyramids, future people and time travel, but also religion, Sumerian civilization, and the metaphorical relationship between Chinese characters and the Bible. It was quite interesting. Two people, Xinyuan and I, share an account, historical records, and you catch up with me, like a flowing library of notes.
I don’t know about others, but I believe in the immortality of the soul.
The physical body is just a vessel.
Many things are immortal, like consciousness, like memory, like love, and these words I am writing, which in a way allow people at different stages and in different times to meet again.
The night before last I went to have a drink with the group. The first time we worked together, we didn’t manage to smash anything in our careers, but instead we made the mistake of setting up Xin Yuan and me. The first time I saw this, I thought I was going to have a good time, and I thought I was going to have a good time, and I thought I was going to have a good time. ”
It seems like everyone who knows him, even my friends, are automatically in his camp.
What I understand is that “Xin Yuan’s goodness” is not simply a reference to a person’s good character or goodness as a person.
He has a very pure power in him.
He is not a child who grew up with the things of the world. He was well protected, half of his goodness came from his nature and half from the shelter of affection, and he was a very long-suffering man who had extreme sincerity for his cats, for his friends, and for the things he loved.
Even as an ordinary colleague, a passerby, he was willing to give his full trust and ask for nothing in return.
He is clean, hardworking, positive, content, and never compares himself to the outside world.
There is no nagging hostility toward the world.
My mantra every day is “Xin Yuan, you’re good, I like you so much”, which is either a rainbow fart or something I can’t help but say to him from my heart.
Xin Yuan always rubs his head in a bad way: “I’m not that good.”
“Maybe I’m only that good in your eyes.”
Neither Xin Yuan nor I are confident people.
When I first got together with him, it was obvious to me that he approached the world with caution, that he was not good at communicating or asking for help, and that he smothered everything he encountered to hold in the solution.
So he often does some “unbelievably stupid things”.
In his relationship, too, because he had a bad breakup in the past, Shinwon was sometimes like a “child afraid of doing something wrong,” but in my case, it was okay. You don’t have to do everything right and you don’t have to set so many exemplary standards within yourself. It doesn’t matter what kind of odd gifts you give me. It doesn’t matter if you send a gift or not. Your place in my heart will not be deducted like a teacher’s grade because of what you did not do well enough or what you omitted. That’s not how it works.
In a way, most of the people we fall in love with are there because we can reap what we hope to reap in the other person.
And my love for you
is probably a process of “I’m willing to grow with you” and slowly reap the benefits of hope.
Your presence has awakened the softest part of my heart.
Let me know how to love and be loved.
That’s the best gift for me.
I said this to you once, and I want to say it to you again today:
“Xin Yuan, you are really good, not in my eyes, but in the first place. I think it’s because you’re so good that you’ve met a lot of great people in your life. It’s complementary. In my heart you are the best. You have potential. Have ideas. You have the ability to think on your own. So, don’t deny yourself so easily!”
“Whenever you want to deny yourself, think about what I’m saying.”
You often say that I came along and healed all those dense negative emotions inside you.
How could I not?
I locked myself into a dark room of emotions all summer.
There are four words written on it: Do not enter.
No, it’s don’t let your lover in.
When one starts to hate oneself, one always subconsciously rejects all those who approach you with good intentions.
I often questioned the meaning of living during that time.
Working is to make money, making money is to make a better life, and what does a better life mean? If one cannot build up one’s own set of security system from the core, all the efforts are just the process of accelerating boredom.
I haven’t been in very good shape all summer. During the day I’m busy with work, appointments, and dealing with chores, and 90% of the time I’m full and fulfilled. At night when all the hot flashes have receded, I lie in bed and imagine I’m a bird of prey floating in the sky and hitting a thick cloud, only to find I can’t lean on it and have to keep flying, and the beautiful illusion almost takes my breath away. The first thing I did was to get to know the people who were going to be there.
Sometimes I wake up in the night feeling my skin dry and cracked, a stuffiness wrung out by tears. The company’s main goal is to provide a more efficient and effective way to improve the quality of its services. And there is no way to share it. I practice holding my breath in the seawater of life every day.
You stand on the shore and try to fish me out, only to be pushed away by my willful blindness.
August.
I am sick to death of my own gregariousness.
Standing by the side of the street in Sanlitun.
Crying uncontrollably.
After repeatedly reassuring and comforting to no avail, you popped up and said, “Your character like this may not be bearable by others”.
I was so angry that I felt like I had been slapped in the face.
I asked, “Do you mean there won’t be anyone else like me but you?”
You shook your head.
“I just don’t think there will ever be anyone in the world who loves you more than I do.”
Then the two of them hugged each other and cried.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that night in my life. The snot bubble hung under the street light of the third ring, and Xin Yuan held my hand and sat by the roadside flower bed and talked to me openly.
My anxieties, his concerns.
My no-good, our no-good.
I’ve been annihilated by my own negativity from time to time for most of the past half year, and it boils down to being unhappy with myself. I want too much and I’m walking around shakily.
Xin Yuan is not like me. He is a very simple and determined person who does what he says he will do and never promises me some false future. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to the market.
Most importantly, he has never been dragged along by the values of the material world.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m putting too much pressure on him. Or that my great dissatisfaction with myself has implicated the people closest to me.
If you’re not happy with your life right now, the first person you need to make changes to is yourself.
Instead of complaining to your loved ones about why life is the way it is.
Once I realized this, I really looked at the problems I was having and recently got my mind right before I could calm down and share this with you.
A friend asked me the other day why I wanted to document my relationship experience. What does Xin Yuan think about this?
In fact, the “Love Diary” is not just a love diary for me anymore, people eventually need to enter into a deeper connection with the person they love – the process of falling in love is a process of constantly analyzing and understanding myself, what kind of person I would be moved by, what kind of stems he would tell would hit me, what talents I have that I haven’t even noticed.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of time before you get to the point where you’ve got to know what you’re doing.
Sometimes I think I’m a lot like Xinyuan.
We crave warmth, yet we are intensely self-protective.
We both say we are not the kind of people who can give each other a future.
We are childish, shallow, and childish.
But at the same time we were both convinced that there was no one in the world who loved us more than the other.
Before we parted that night, Xinyuan hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I’d love to be the person you can’t leave because I can’t get away from you anymore.”
At the beginning of a relationship we all try to present the good and bright side of ourselves, and over time, each person’s original faults and personalities are restored to each other. The “confirm button” at this point is the real switch for the future.
Then again.
When two people love each other, they are actually healing each other.
Probably people can’t really like someone until they really know what they are.
Love is what tears our souls apart and stitches them back together with its magical power, making us tougher than ever.
2020 was hard, but I’m thankful to have met you.
Thank you for being there for me, as you were yesterday, after seeing my mess, my insecurities, my confusion.