When one partner’s strength comes from the other’s invitation, and a tacit “control-submission” relationship is formed, this tacit understanding becomes an unbreakable umbilical cord that feeds both sides of the relationship. Both parties. How can we break the old and build a new relationship model at this point?
Where do strong personalities come from?
From the perspective of TA interaction analysis, any psychologically normal person has a strong side, and the energy that allows us to show our strength is called “controlling parenting The energy that allows us to show our strength is called “controlling parent”. This energy is not something we are born with, but rather something we acquire as we grow up from people like parents, teachers, and leaders.
This process is particularly analogous to “straw boats and arrows,” which means that the more we are treated with power, the more energy we have in our bodies that drives us to be powerful — which explains why people who are particularly strong have at least one elder (especially a parent) who is as strong as they are.
Being strong is not an eternal expression
While many of our friends are struggling with their significant other’s consistent strong performance, it’s undeniable that this consistency is just more directed at ourselves. They can be extremely submissive when dealing with people who seem more forceful to them – for example, in front of elders, leaders, or expert authorities.
This seemingly bizarre phenomenon is particularly well explained. As we’ve already mentioned, the energy of strong control comes from the accumulation of past “fixes,” which means that the more controlling a person appears to be, the more obvious is the instinct to fear and submit to the strong – the energy that shows submission to the strong. This energy is called the “submissive child” and corresponds to the “controlling parent” mentioned earlier.
Because of the correlation between these two energies, we often see scenarios in our family life and in the workplace where -A loved one just got angry at himself and then honestly called his parents to ask for peace; a department head is scolding his subordinates like a grandfather at a regular meeting for not working hard, and the moment he gets a call from the big boss asking for performance he becomes as polite as a grandson ……
=”text-indent:2em;text-align:left;”>In fact, everyone has different faces, and so does a strong partner, and which side is revealed to us depends on what kind of energy is at work in the midst of the heart.
Showing strength comes from your invitation
Since the stronger the people have more submissive energy in them as well, then why do the other side prefer to be incredibly polite to others, but always put on a grandfatherly face to themselves? The answer is that we are used to standing in a state of submissiveness to each other.
There is a gradual process of forming such a habit. The first is that when we first met, we actually put ourselves in the position of a “submissive child” from our own expressions, movements, language and other details of interaction, and we are used to giving the initiative to the other side and accepting the other side’s various arrangements with peace of mind. The other side is still more moderate in the beginning to show “control”, and naturally can not notice what is not so good. Slowly, with the further depth of the relationship, the feeling of freshness is less and less, wrapped in the other strong personality outside the layer of “polite” and “tolerant” shell will become thinner and thinner, and slowly will feel the other more powerful control, this control This control includes both more straightforward, strong demands and control, but also mixed with what we do to make the other party unhappy or unhappy when it will provoke the original did not appear to lose temper, reprimand or face …… and then, because in the previous stage we are used to respond to the control from the other party with obedience, but also let the other party to form A mindset – treat you I can only use strong control! And it is in our own hearts that we form a subtle habit – he is a strong person, I can only obey, right?
In the end, a tacit “control-submission” relationship is formed between each other. On the one hand, this tacit understanding forms the umbilical cord that holds the relationship together, although this bond is not very comfortable for both parties, but is an important emotional protection lock, which explains why even if uncomfortable, but still maintain such a relationship between the sexes, although sometimes want to separate, or other people around you to persuade you to break up, but somehow can not be cut off; on the other hand, this bond but also a lock On the other hand, this kind of bond is so strong that it is difficult to communicate through other forms – such as “talk”, “occasional small romance”, “mother-like pampering,” and so on.
Why is it so hard to change?
It has been emphasized that the other person’s strength comes from our invitation, but that invitation plays a major role when we first meet, and by the time we get there, even if we don’t invite, the other person is still used to communicating with us from a strong perspective communication. This means that the way to change this situation is to send a new invitation to the other person, and this invitation should be enough to break their old habits and establish a new communication pattern. From this perspective, it is better to explain why even though we usually try to change the way we communicate occasionally, we are ultimately frustrated by the indifference of the other party. That’s because we’re all trying to change an already ingrained habit with one or two attempts, sure to meet with the same failure as expecting to spend a week quitting smoking.
Another important question is if we want to change the old strong vs. submissive communication model, what kind of new communication model needs to be established behind the scenes as a relationship bond? Because we have to face a real problem, is that if the previous tacit understanding is broken, and no new relationship is formed, it means that the relationship between the sexes will appear a vacuum, which is like a bridge without piers, it may lead to emotional rupture. In fact, we are particularly sensitive to this aspect and are aware of the danger of the bridge collapsing, which in many ways hinders the continuity of our attempts to build new relationship patterns.
How do you change that?
If you have a strong belief that you want to change, think about what new model to replace the old gender relationship with.
The first thing some people might think of is making themselves strong and making the other person submit to them. In fact, it is normal to think this way, but as long as they YY, never really practice, or most likely to die a horrible death! Although there will be miracles, but a person used to submissive even once in a while can break out and rebel once in a while, but if asked to become a completely strong person in the future of life, think about it is very tired!
In fact, the TA interaction analysis has given us the answer that we can build a new model of “rational adult” relationship with each other, which requires both people to This requires both people to be in the energy of their “adult selves”. The “adult self” is the third inner energy, alongside the “controlling parent” and the “submissive child”, and is a state of absolute rationality and objectivity, in which both parties communicate as equals, without power. The two parties are equal, and there is no distinction between the strong and the weak.
But if you think you can evoke change when you are always in the “adult state,” that means a long “ordeal. “torture”, because the change is like melting ice by pouring room temperature water on it, although it will also achieve the goal, but it will take a long time, and it is likely that the other party has not “melted” at the same time you first ” The water stops.
Change is the beginning of happiness
To make the change faster This “hot water” is the fourth type of inner energy that TA Interaction Analysis talks about – “caring parenting”. When we are under this energy, we will give more care, concern and encouragement to each other. In fact, for a particularly strong person, the best state to implement a breakthrough is to give him encouragement, comfort and support from the heart, because the strong person is often wrapped inside a weak, lonely, inferior heart that does not want to be seen, and the outward strength is only a cover and protection for this inner lack of confidence. “The first thing you need to do is to start pouring “hot water” on each other, so that the “ice” in front of you will melt faster.
After being reassured by the “caregiving parent,” the person slowly opens up his or her long-closed heart, which actually leads to what TA interaction analysis calls “In other words, it is a state of true “heart-to-heart”.
When this state is reached, the shell of unbearable power is opened, and the monotonous “control-
submissive” model of the relationship slowly disintegrates and is replaced by a more colorful rope of communication, so that you don’t have to worry about living under each other’s “authority” all day.