Burnout, a unilateral “value comparison” imbalance that brings about “Loss of emotion”, a stressful emotional feeling. To alleviate it, we first need to understand how it happens in our hearts.
Christopher Meng, a veteran counselor in the field of intimacy, has said:
“Most people are like little children, with unmet needs as children, and constantly seek to belong and feel cared for. They usually fantasize about a perfect goal, expect the other person to be their own dream machine, and continue to spur their partner on in this way.”
Many of my friends who ask for help convey the same thing to me – that their partner thinks he or she is perfect and that they can live a “fairy tale” life with them, but the reality is usually the opposite.
What happens to most people is that they are constantly disappointed, indifferent, uninvolved, feel “sorry” for each other, and become the most familiar strangers to each other.
Because we have long pushed out the positive elements of expectation, acceptance, and hope. Our hearts have a hard time accepting the “empty” status quo. Without sweetness and expectation in our hearts, we can only burn out.
Burnout, which is commonly known as “tiredness” with a layer of “laziness,” is the result of a gradual disproportion between give and take in the middle and late stages of an intimate relationship.
Benefits – costs = profits, and we all have a standard for “giving”, and we subconsciously choose the option with the greater benefit before we give.
The other person’s attitude and commitment to us is the benefit, and the profit is how we actually feel. We can’t directly decide the gain (how well the other person treats us), nor can we control our partner’s thinking.
The only thing we can control is the “cost.
But you may have given him a lot, put up with a lot, restrained a lot of petty problems, and initiated many times, but the other person doesn’t respond, and you feel like your contribution is meaningless. We feel too tired to be together, and the cost on our side keeps increasing, including time (opportunity cost) energy good feelings possible risks and troubles encountered, while the profit keeps decreasing.
Out of instinct, one then wants to diminish the costs, preferring to ignore (and carry on with) the problems. And so the self-deception is that two people not getting along with each other can reduce a lot of trouble.
“Ignoring the problem” seems like a low-investment, high-return thing that saves a lot of effort. What we didn’t expect was that to avoid the trouble, it would accumulate into more and more difficult conflicts until the day came when we had to give up.
Before burnout we may have been more inclined to face problems head-on, so we often fought over them because it was easier to fight than to change ourselves, both hoping to convince the other person to change so we wouldn’t have to move. But it’s easier to avoid the problem than to fight, to do nothing to solve the “no one wants to change” dilemma.
Many people who end up giving up on the relationship start out with a passion to have a long and sweet relationship with their partner. But the high cost of living together overwhelmed them, and they finally gave up because they felt it was not cost effective and they could not make ends meet.
Don’t despair just yet.
Burnout, which may be yours alone, may not be known to the other person, and if you break up, he may still be surprised why you’re breaking up and what’s wrong with him.
The TA hasn’t cut his “costs” yet, the TA hasn’t given up on you.
The fact that you feel burned out and not motivated to repair emotionally means that you have started to look at yourself (introspection), but not in the right way, and think “nothing is working. strong>wasn’t working”.
You’re just burned out, a little tired, and rested enough to go over what your problems are, fix them, do less work, and make you both feel better and better about each other.
1. Forgive the Burnout that comes from “differences” Burnout is as unavoidable a physical state for us as sleepiness or illness. When you can feel burnout, it often means that there are unrepaired problems in your relationship, and strong>not even realizing it with each other.
Lack of freshness, for example, means you’re not doing your “maintenance routine” properly, and it’s like working out – you don’t do it for a while, but your fitness declines at a rate you don’t notice, and by the time you do, it’s often long overdue.
Burnout is not a sign that a couple is not worth going on with; you can find moments of burnout, lack of communication, sluggishness, ungratefulness, etc. in almost any couple’s intimate relationship. This emotional “subhealth” is very common, and is at best a minor point of indifference.
It’s just that the negative impressions that accumulate over time can cloud your judgment and make you mislabel the relationship and think it’s a big problem. But as long as you want to fix the relationship, you need to look at emotional burnout separately from his “badness.
The “burnout” you’re feeling, is very often amoment. strong>is forced outby “sensory differences (differences).
Have you ever noticed that when you eat at lunchtime, the food in the cafeteria smells good at first, but then you don’t feel it anymore, especially after you finish eating? The reason is that we have a “SensoryAdaptation” instinct, where our neural response to stimuli and our internal sensitivity decreases.
This instinct is not only in the sense of smell, but also in how we feel inside.
There is a “threshold” of how I feel. The slightest movement of a passerby or the slightest expression of a friend does not usually cause us to react, but only the smallest perceptible difference is noticed and causes our emotions to fluctuate.
To what extent, Weber’s Law tells us that The “minimum perceptible difference” is determined by the ratio of the original stimulus intensity.
Just like a salary increase, if a monthly salary of 5K goes up by 500 you generally feel happy, but if a monthly salary of 20K goes up by 500 again, you won’t feel anything.
The fact that you feel burned out now means that your partner gave you a lot of excitement before, like the hot pursuit, the attentiveness on dates, the daily good morning and good night, but now you may or may not have “adapted” to it. The relationship usually requires a high level of intimacy and interaction, his efforts as long as he did not have a certain percentage of his original good to you, you will easily feel bored, “burned out”. The company’s main goal is to provide a better solution to the problem, and to help the company to improve the quality of its services.
The wonderful thing is that “burnout” is also constantly changing, no matter what you do. Whether you make changes or not, burnout can “change” by itself, pro Intimate relationships are not an absolutely closed, separate domain.
For example, if a suspected third-party character suddenly comes along and frantically approaches your partner, you will rediscover so much good in your partner and have emotional stimulation that you will soon not feel burned out.
The balance between you is broken.
The risk of you losing him increases your opportunity cost, invariably elevating the status of the other person and prompting you to adjust your value judgments (comparisons) with them again.
Then his value to you is no longer “500”, but “1000” or “2000”. You will be more willing to give, as long as he is willing to treat you the same way he did before, and you will be satisfied.
Of course, I don’t want that to happen.
All you have to do is guide him to invest more in you, or at least keep him from “fighting violence with violence” – he chooses to get back at you for treating him badly, and he chooses to treat you just as badly.
2. Expanding our thinking information base
In addition to the above, burnout can be caused by “thinking too narrowly” about each other
In addition to the above, burnout can also be caused by each other being “too narrow-minded” and “too small in our personal world” to understand and tolerate each other.
Becoming each other’s “three-season person”.
There is a sequence in Men in Black 2 where a group of pixies live in the protagonist’s closet, where the only source of light is the faint glow from their watches, and the only fun they have is the primitive movie theater and activity plaza. It is very difficult for them to not burn out, no less than for humans to learn to use fire.
Many of our friends don’t bother to think about how to fix their relationship, probably because the word “fix” is not in the dictionary at all, only “change”. The first time they chose to be together, they probably just wanted each other to lead them, to “energize” their world, or to help protect themselves from the rain. But they may not have the ability to do so, so they burn out.
We need to keep jumping out of the “closet” and into the bigger world.
It’s only up to us to work on this. You know the personality types, so it’s easier to forgive each other for being avoidant and clingy; you know the nine personality types, so it’s easier to find ways to get along with a “happy personality” partner; you know the popular storylines, the latest “melons. If you know what’s popular, what’s the latest “melon”, it’s easier to talk to each other ……
3. Start your life over with a blank sheet of paper
If your life right now is like a sheet of paint filled with all kinds of paint, there’s no way to start.
If your life is like a sheet of paint, there’s no way to start, and you’re resigned to it, which can deepen the “burnout”.
You may need to empty yourself, you’re too tired.
Because couples generally have a good foundation of emotion, attraction, and other good factors, and have tried a lot to keep the relationship together, but the results are not satisfying to each other, and we can’t stop going for a while without finding a solution, and the problems keep coming.
Wanting to rest and not being able to rest is what makes you tired, and this “constant persistence” makes you tired. “makes youfeelburned out.
Relationships, in and of themselves, are like a “hobby”, not something you have to do. It’s not too different from how you like to sing or dance. The company’s main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers. You would also feel horrible and hate to stay away, right?
This is no time to put more pressure on yourself and add a few strokes to your already crowded life. We can do things differently.
We can be a “stop-motion” “sandbox” without being a painting.
Your trajectory, your habits, your principles, your bottom line, are your big frames, your boxes, and they can stay the same.
And your demands/dilemmas and the other person’s good, such as:
–Expectations of the other person
–The plans you set for yourself
–What you want from your partner
–What you want from your partner
–understanding of your partner
–the other person’s high-strung attitude
–the status quo of having nothing to say to each other
–the coldness after taking the initiative
–the coldness after taking the initiative
–his tenderness and consideration
–his dedication and care
……
These are the equivalent of the variables in the “animation” The background, characters, buildings, and other variables can be recycled over and over again.
For example, when you’re bored, you can recall what he’s done before and let your anxiety drop out; when you’re not motivated to change, let the other person’s strengths drop out and bring up your dilemmas to give you motivation to find out why and how one by one; when you’re having a good conversation, you can let the negativity drop out.
4. Let your brain “shut up”
No matter what, we are not “alone”, our body/brain is our teammate and will protect us, though sometimes it helps. Sometimes it helps.
For example, the body automatically suppresses our perception, as if our vision, hearing, and smell are all suppressed, leaving us in an emotional state of lethargy.
Because the “emotional gain” is declining, we are more disappointed if we look at each other in the same way we did before we fell in love (just like we look at divorced couples).
Burnout gives us the opportunity to “go cold turkey”. But the body (brain) helps by thinking that “burnout” is a stronger stress response.
It’s usually brought on by DailyHassles, where we’re harassed by life’s little annoyances, creating a chronic, long-term dissatisfaction.
Long-term stress results in a sustained decline in dopamine, endorphin, and other hormone levels, and a decrease in overall resilience to stress. It usually occurs after a hot, grinding period, where our expectations (values) are still at a high level after a hot period of elevation and a partially weakened grinding period.
But the other person doesn’t have the ability to maintain the state of the hot period, and our hearts get even more tired.
We try not to set too high a “goal” for each other, such as that our boyfriends must be able to coddle and take care of themselves, or they will be rightfully angry.
But you can set your own direction so that you don’t have nothing to do but pick on each other.
A lot of people who have relationship problems have one thing in common – they don’t have big relationship problems, but they have too much time on their hands, so they can “do it”.
Our words and actions are like a never-ending “mouth”. strong>, constantly harassing each other. The purpose is simply to be afraid that if you don’t do something, the other person will leave you and you won’t be able to solve the problem.
In fact, the only good thing about our foolishness is that it makes the other person choose to go into a “cave” and choose to go cold turkey. The company’s main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers.
Emotional maintenance requires negotiation, but not forcing each other to accept for any reason.
You want the dog, he has to have the cat. You are forcing control and involvement in the other person’s world if you are soft and hard to get them to listen to you. He feels like his world is being “invaded” and he subconsciously sings against you.
Because what we expect from “not burned out” is usually unwarranted attentiveness, initiative, and concern from the other person.
You may not have noticed that when you do, he has no choice but to “put up with it” out of responsibility to maintain his relationship with you; only when you stop and make him feel loved will he be close to you from the bottom of his heart.
These are some of the ways to do it, but you’ll need to take them into account and be more specific.
If surgery is a fight against heaven, then maintaining a relationship and relieving burnout is a fight against “instinct”.
The key is that we need to constantly update our world and make it broader. At the same time, you need to have a heart for happiness, not to be lazy, to live seriously and passionately, so that you can also influence and drive your partner, so that the relationship can be rejuvenated.