In a relationship, many aspects of how couples react ah, behave ah …… and so on are affected by the duration of the relationship, just like the twitter trending topic #couple dating 3 days to 3 years Difference #, many couples have read it and felt it was talking about their situation, so what exactly are the differences between the different stages of a relationship?
The difference between a couple dating for 3 days to 3 years, it’s a true story!
The ambiguous period, the hot period to the flat period, each period has its own body language
3 days: the ambiguous period, when two people
3 weeks: getting familiar with each other, interaction becomes more and more natural
3 3 months: inseparable into the hot phase, making unconscious flashing movements and smiling sweetly at all times
3 years: talking straight and no longer pretending to be yourself
3 years: talking straight and no longer pretending to be yourself
Two people from the initial unfamiliar, formal to later more and more familiar, naturally will be different in the way to get along, many young couples see this topic will heartily smile: indeed and their own situation exactly the same Oh! The first thing you need to know about the different stages of a relationship is which level are you at right now?
What level are you at in the 10 stages of a relationship?
Love has stages, from the beginning of the like to the final indistinguishable from each other, but in between must also go through the stage of wanting to control each other, someone divided love into ten levels, and the main performance of each level and “signs “The main signs of love are listed, so let’s see what stage of love you have reached!
Stage 1: Like
The other person has certain qualities that I like I like him because he has certain qualities that I like, such as good looks, manners, talk, and knowledge. I may also like him because he does something, for example, he is very warm, helpful, can make the atmosphere very lively, caring and considerate to me. I feel good when I’m with someone I like; I feel good with him, so I like him.
Like is the basis of love. Without liking, there is no love. But liking is not the same as loving. There is a long distance between like and love. There are also people who cannot distinguish between like and love, who mistake like for love; who like someone and have a good feeling about them, and think they are in love with them.
Stage 2: Attachment (pining, relying, dwelling)
When you like someone, you are happy to be with them, and when you are not with them, you get “separation anxiety” and feel uncomfortable and long to continue to be with them, this is “attachment”. The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what you want.
There are two kinds of attachment: longing, thinking about him when we are not together and recalling the joy of being with him, and the urge to continue to be with him, always wanting to go to him. The two degrees are different, the latter more intense. The two are different, the latter is more intense. The urge to see him reaches a certain level, will go straight to him, as if he could not live without him, very entangled, this is called “dependence”.
Stage 3: Possession (jealousy, control, transformation, claiming, being loved)
At a certain level of attachment, possessiveness arises. This is because, if he spends more time with others, he spends less time with me. To satisfy my attachment and dependence, I don’t allow him to spend his time with others. If someone else takes up my time, I get jealous. If he’s distracted when he’s with me, I get jealous.
In order to completely possess the other person, some people will take extreme measures in order to control the other person and hold on to them. Stalking, investigating, punishing, arguing, making demands, and restricting personal freedom are all more active and forceful measures, while ingratiation, enticement, bitterness, and blackmail are more passive and “soft” measures.
Another manifestation of this level is to transform the other person. The first thing I did was to ask him to change, or to help him change, or even to do it myself, to turn him into my ideal person. Such transformation is in fact control and possession. Possession, control, and transformation are all “asking”. To ask is to actively seek to be loved.
Stage 4: Transactional (catering, submissive)
“Soft control” has overtones of a transaction, but is different from a real transaction. A transaction is when I am willing to do something to make the other person happy in order to get them to like me for the purpose of monopolizing them, so that they will be with me voluntarily rather than under duress. For example, making myself more lovable, catering to him, pleasing him; obeying him, caring for him, helping him, pleasing him, and making him like being with me more.
Trading emphasizes fairness and that you should get what you give in return for what you get. If you give a lot and don’t get a commensurate amount in return, you may turn to control.
Stage 5: Payback (gratitude, emotional investment)
There are Two types of transactions that appear less naked are gratitude and emotional investment.
Gratitude is a form of repayment. I have received a benefit from someone else and now repay them. The other person may not ask for something in return, but my return will certainly bring him joy and make him more willing to be with me. In addition, for myself, if I don’t repay, I will feel uneasy and I will always feel that I owe him a favor. Repaying would give me a sense of satisfaction and balance. Compared to trading, gratitude is less utilitarian.
Emotional investment, which appears to be unrequited, is actually a way to “catch a big fish in a long line. Many parents treat their children this way, “selflessly” love their children, wholeheartedly give, wishing him well. When he grows up, then slowly settle accounts with him. Maybe they really don’t think about the return when they give, which is already “selfless” enough. Parents love their children, the fundamental reason is that he is their child, is their life extension, is part of their body, love their children is love themselves, of course, no need to return. Also, the love of parents for their children can be said to be a reward for the loveliness of their children.
Control is forcing the other person to love me, and the transaction is making the other person love me voluntarily; in the transaction, my giving may not be willing, and the repayment must be willing.
Stage 6: Focus
From 1 to 5, the focus is on myself From 1 to 5, the focus turns to the other person, which is a sign of love. 1 to 5 is loved, 6 to 10 is love.
Like because he brings me joy, attachment is to keep him with me every day, possession is not allowing him to be good with someone else, and trading is when I have to do something to make him better for me, all four levels are aimed at him being good to me and me being happy, so it’s loved. .
To be loved is to ask for and receive, which is a “lack of sexual need” because there is a psychological deficit, the result of a lack of love.
True love is “rich in sexual needs” and is characterized by giving and getting pleasure in the process of giving. Generally speaking, only after the lack of sexual needs are properly satisfied, will there be rich sexual needs. The person who lacks love does not know how to love others, they only take, they do not give, they only see themselves.
So, what is true love? First of all, loving someone must be centered on them, deeply concerned about them, carrying them in your heart, paying close attention to their every move, just like a mother does with her baby, “I have eyes only for you”. On the contrary, it is not love to ignore the other person’s existence, to be indifferent and ignorant of him.
Stage 7: Empathy (understanding, speculation, attachment)
We should not only pay attention to each other’s every move, but also pay attention and understand his inner feelings, is he unhappy? Why is he unhappy? What are his worries? What kind of help does he need? This is empathy,
Without attention, there is no empathy. How can you know how someone feels inside if you ignore them and don’t observe their words and actions? That’s why attention is a prerequisite for empathy.
But attention does not necessarily mean empathy. Some people are very observant but can’t read the other person’s inner feelings because they haven’t entered the other person’s inner world.
Humanism defines empathy as “situational understanding” and psychoanalysis defines it as “alternative introspection “Both mean entering the other person’s inner world, experiencing his experience, feeling his feelings, or experiencing and feeling in his place, in order to understand his inner activity.
In a sense, empathy is speculation, but its purpose is to understand the person in order to better help him, not to please him and make him love me more. In other words, same as speculation, empathy is for his good, pleasing is for my own good.
Hanging on is also a form of speculation and empathy, wondering how he is doing? Are you happy? Do you need help?
Stage 8: Support (help, quality service, enthusiasm)
With empathy, we can know what the other person needs and how we should help him. Only then can we provide him with the best service, and our help will be targeted and indeed beneficial to him and will make him happy.
Many people help others not from the other person’s needs, but by imposing what they like on them, because of a lack of empathy. Helping without empathy is aimless, forceful, and painful and painful.
This kind of person is enthusiastic about people and likes to help, but they don’t appreciate it and avoid him. However, enthusiasm is closer to love than indifference. Regardless of the effect, love is commendable.
Everyone is happy to do something for a loved one, and if it is done to make the other person love them more, it is a transaction; if it is done simply to make the other person happy, without expecting anything in return, it is true love.
In other words, love is unpaid service, voluntary labor, and satisfaction because of giving, with no additional payment. Help can be material or spiritual. Spiritual help is emotional support.
Stage 9: Giving (respect, trust, tolerance, acceptance, self-sacrifice, love)
In general, making the other person happy is still relatively easy to do. However, if the other person’s happiness is based on my pain, it is difficult to do. If I make him happy, I will be miserable myself; if I don’t make him happy, it is not love.
The ninth level is therefore a dilemma that can only be reached by those who are courageous and self-sacrificing, dedicated, and slightly self-mutilating and tragic, as demonstrated by respecting the other person and giving him some personal space to be free.
In contrast to attention, empathy, and support, devotion is true love. Concern, empathy, and support do not compromise self-interest, whereas devotion is self-sacrifice, being ready to sacrifice one’s own interests.
Another expression of this hierarchy is respect, trust, tolerance, and acceptance. I believe that the other person is capable of handling his own affairs and that his decision must be the right one; even if it is wrong, it is his decision and I must respect it. Some of his views may be different from mine, but I can tolerate him and accept him.
Respecting someone is not an easy thing to do; mess up and the other person will go far away or crawl over my head.
Stage 10: Harmony (consistent, sincere, natural, compatible)
If the other person doesn’t go far away and build their happiness on my pain, it means we are more consistent, more compatible, don’t need to do anything deliberately for the other person, any action, a word, whatever you want, at your fingertips, can make the other person happy.
No need for devotion, no need for self-sacrifice, no need to give, no need to give back. Two people have become one, you have me, I have you, you are me, I am you, no distinction between them. Your joy is my joy, where is the distinction between giving and receiving, giving and giving back?