What makes it harder to guard against than the obvious violence is the soft violence. Even if you ask for help from other people, they may think you are making a big deal out of it, but obviously this soft violence is making your life a big deal. In that case, what is the best thing to do?
What is interpersonal soft violence
What is called soft violence? It is all behavior that is distinct from physical violence that causes harm to others and can be considered “soft violence. This kind of violence has a more significant characteristic, that is, its potential harm is often ignored, and sometimes even defined as a “habit”. It is also a more distinctive feature that its potential harm is often overlooked and sometimes even defined as a “habit.
As for the soft violence in relationships, here are three examples.
Scenario 1:
You’re having a little trouble with your boyfriend and you go to your best friend to complain. So you run to your best friend and ask her to help you analyze the situation.
“I’ll tell you what… I’ve recently been with that who… How how… What do you think I should do?”
Bestie says, “And you! The one in our family is not letting me worry lately either. Yesterday…” The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what the problem is. The result is that this BFF doesn’t seem to care about your opinion, as long as she has said it herself and is happy.
Scenario 2:
Your girlfriend is having a meltdown lately, and you’re can’t figure out what the hell is going on. What about going to ask her directly, but she says, “If you really care about me, you should know why I’m upset. You’re so selfish and inconsiderate!” So it dragged on day after day, and you guessed left and right, did you order the wrong dish when you invited her to dinner last time? It’s not that you forgot the important anniversary…until finally she felt you suffered enough to finally tell you that you forgot to buy her the wings she always loved when she ate KFC that day. And you thought you had done something heavenly all these days.
Scenario 3:
You’re busy at work, you’re tired, you come home Not very talkative. Your mother has to come running to tell you about the gossip in the house of Zhang Da Ma downstairs today. You tell your mom, “Mom, I’m really tired right now…”
but your mom glares and says, “You’re tired? You are still qualified to say tired? Just a bullshit class? You think you’re so great? I’ve been through the same thing? Who did I tell that I was tired in the first place? I really raised you, you little wolf!”
8 typical manifestations of soft violence:
1. Environmental destruction The Great King – “I’m not good, and I won’t let you be good.” –This one is easy to understand, probably being relocated, or forcibly seeking comfort.
2. Spotlight Lover-“You say you have a headache? You know what? I have brain cancer!” — This kind of person doesn’t really care about you at all, so his behavior is easy to understand.
3. The helpful person – “I’m helping you so much, what are you going to give me in return?” –The kind of person where profit comes first, so it’s better to walk away when you see it.
4. The irresponsible loser – “A thousand wrongs don’t make a difference, but it’s not my fault!” — For example, if a task is not completed, it is the fault of the boss who set it up, the fault of a colleague who did not cooperate, the fault of someone else who set it up …… In short, it is not his business.
5. Master of damage – “Look at you, why are you so fat!… Ah… What are you angry about, I’m just kidding.” –This type is mostly men, and still the kind of their own high demand and can not reach. It makes people uncomfortable to see.
6. Guilt Guru – “No matter what you do, you’re sorry for me…” — this type of many women have, a quarrel will be the previous old story turned out. The difference is that ordinary people are chanting and forgetting, this type of person is seriously taking notes.
7. Queen of Hints – “If you love me, you understand what I mean.” — A lot of women who think they’re good are guilty of this, constantly teasing their boyfriends or suitors.
8. Expert at deception – “I didn’t even say that… It was you who said it!” –Said it and didn’t admit it, many people have. The point is, has lying become a habit for you?
What do we do?
Many times, emotional manipulators don’t necessarily use just one tactic; they use a mix of tactics to achieve their goal of controlling others. Although most emotional manipulators are relatively intelligent, they are almost always insecure and unsure of themselves. Simply put, they are superficially narcissistic and self-centered, thinking they are better than everyone else. Inwardly, however, they have low self-esteem, cannot identify with their own worth, and feel that they are worthless and do not even have a purpose for existing. Such people, when trying to establish relationships with others, tend to involuntarily manipulate others. They feel safe only when others are completely under their control. The logic of this is: “I am such an unlikable person. No one will stay with me because they really like me as a person…. So the only way to keep them with me is for me to control them through affection (or money, or whatever).” This is why most people who are controlling have an extreme inner inferiority complex. From an inner inferiority complex, the denial of self-worth leads to insecurity, which leads to the need to control everything. It’s a very sad vicious cycle.
Is it possible to change an emotional manipulator? It’s hard. The end result of an emotional manipulator is often to find a partner whom he can control completely, and the two begin a vicious circle of New Yilen: the controlling party, after controlling someone else, feels more and more unlovable and worthless, and the only way to keep the other person with him or her is by controlling them. The controlled party, on the other hand, always feels that how they do is not enough, how they can not prove their love for their partner. So, don’t be a manipulator and don’t fall into the trap of a manipulator.
Humans as a group animal are largely influenced by the feelings of others, especially those who care about them, and want to make each other happy, even going to great lengths to please others. However, there are some people who take advantage of other people’s concern and love for them and use their emotions to manipulate others. People should get along with each other with mutual understanding and respect, rather than using other people’s concern for their mood to cheat or take advantage of each other. Many times, such manipulation is unconscious because we learn these ways of getting along with people from childhood, either from our parents or from among our classmates. At times like this, a person should be more careful not to hurt others or to be hurt.
Many times, we are surrounded by people like this to a greater or lesser extent. Learn to protect yourself from the distractions of your life and work.