It’s been a month since it happened, but every time I think about that day, I feel as if my heart has been ripped open and hurt again.
January 4, 2013, was supposed to be Nan Yi and I’s big day. We got married in a church in Beijing and invited all our friends and family to witness it. I originally thought that everything would be as I had initially envisioned, with the bride and groom vowing to “respect and love each other and grow old” during the pastor’s speech and live happily ever after. However, what I never expected was that Nan Yi actually fled the wedding in full view of everyone! The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to the public.
I don’t know how I’ve been going through this month, I just feel like time is passing so slowly, I’ve been losing sleep almost all night long, not that I don’t want to sleep, it’s really hard to sleep, I can’t seem to hold it together anymore.
Remembering that I came to Beijing alone 7 years ago, looking for my original dream, from 25 to 32, I dedicated all my youth and blood to this city that I love and hate at the same time. Over the years, I started as a small department assistant, and worked hard step by step to become the marketing director of a listed real estate company. The best seven years of my life, along with my countless nights of overtime, have passed with the wind, lightly.
Time really does make you feel helpless sometimes, and a woman really can’t balance all the things at a particular moment. For example: falling in love, getting married, working, having children. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to the public, and to the public.
A woman, no matter how good you are in your career, if you are not married by a certain age, it is more or less indirect proof that you may have some problems. This is the world’s judgment, I can not sway. But sometimes, it’s really not you who panics, but the people around you, who somehow panic on your behalf! So that’s when you start to really panic!
Nanichi, that’s how he broke into my life at the most chaotic, panicky, clueless time. He is five years older than me, works in a financial institution and has a short history of marriage. The first time we met, he wore a pair of glasses, his body emitted a light incense, a black coat, a taste of maturity and stability, time to polish this man just right, not arrogant, not proud, modest, cautious, measured. And at this time, I am not in the best shape. The wrong time to meet the right person, probably depicts such a state!
I just fell in and fell into the world I created for myself. In this world, there was only Nan Yi, only myself. It’s like walking alone in the desert for a long time and suddenly seeing another person ahead of you, just like yourself, walking persistently and persistently, so it becomes the most natural thing for two people to be together, only to ignore each other, what happened to make you walk alone by yourself until now?
I left behind all the feelings of deprivation, insecurity, and mixed emotions of love and hate for men that I once had inside me and loved Nan Yi with all my heart and soul. The actual fact is that you can find a lot of people who have been in the business for a long time. Sometimes, I feel that Nan Yi is the greatest gift from the old heavens, he makes my life real and meaningful; but sometimes, a little sadness wells up inside me, and there is always a voice questioning me, “Fang Fei, can you really capture Nan Yi’s heart? You’re not young, can Nan Yi really love you for the rest of your life?” Those inexplicable questions are like a sharp and razor-sharp knife, provoking my most sensitive nerves little by little.
It was this extreme inner fear of loss that made me desperately try to hold on to him in reality. I was oblivious until I made him feel like he was about to suffocate.
In the beginning, when we were together, I would cook for him every day after work, no matter how busy or tired I was; I would put off all my friends’ parties on weekends to spend time with him. I would wait for him downstairs at any time and anywhere, just to give him a sudden surprise. The first time, Nan Yi is also very happy, but after more times, he will be a bit complained that I affect his work, I do not think, is not this a woman’s way to express her love for a man?
Later, I started to get curious about the people and events he was in contact with, and I would ask him who he was seeing today, what he was talking about, if there were any pretty girls, etc. If there were, I would ask what they looked like. Was she as pretty as me? Nan Yi at first coped with it, and then became obviously a little impatient. The first thing I did was to find out that I actually peeked at his cell phone text messages and facebook chats while he was in the shower, and even purposely installed a satellite positioning system on his phone while he was on a business trip.
Nan Yi was furious when he found out, and he ranted at me, “Fangfei, do you know how to respect the most basic privacy of others? I am a free man, not a prisoner under your guard!!!” After a tantrum, Nan Yi slammed the door and left.
After that fight, we had a cold war for a month. It was not until later that I swore to him that I would never interfere with his privacy again that I got back some of his forgiveness. The company’s main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to the market.
In the time it took to get ready for the wedding, I rejoiced, but Nan Yi didn’t seem as excited as I was, and I didn’t care too much. I thought those previous unpleasantnesses were behind me, but sometimes it’s only time that passes, and it’s the one in your heart that you can’t get over.
Looking back now, Nan Yi and I have had a little voice inside of me constantly reminding me since we started our relationship. “Fang Fei, you’re not good enough, you definitely can’t catch Nan Yi, he’s so good, he’s going to leave you sooner or later ……” I don’t know where this little voice came from, but she was always there.
In fact, it’s undeniable that that little voice was right. From the inside, growing up, I never had much of a soft spot for men! Sometimes busy work is just an excuse, from the bottom of my heart, I am quite resistant to marriage, I do not believe that a man can give me a lifetime of happiness. I’ve met some nice men at work, but none of them have ended up together. Maybe, I have reasons, but I just don’t know, what are they?
Mentioning this, I have to mention my family. Perhaps, if I must find the reason, it is probably something that happened when I was 16 years old. That year, my mom and dad got divorced! Dad was out with another woman!!! To this day, I still vividly remember the image of my mom throwing everything that belonged to him out of the house, and the man leaving our lives completely. From that moment on, I vowed that I would protect my mom well and not let her suffer any more. I must work hard and get ahead. Moreover, I hate men. If in this world, even a man as good as my dad can cheat on his wife, then there will be no exceptions for other men.
For more than a decade, my mom raised me, and I was her whole hope in life. Because of the emotional absence, my mom was very clingy to me, we ate together, slept together, and were together all the time. My first boyfriend broke up with me because he laughed at me for being too clingy with my mom. But I thought nothing of it. I can live without a man in this world, but I can never live without my mom.
And so, more than a decade has passed, and now I am indeed at the age to talk about marriage. Although my mother was anxious, she didn’t rush me. There was even a time when my mom would jokingly tell me, “Daughter, I really hope you stay with me like this all the time, so that we can be together every day, how great would that be!” But after that she immediately said, “I’m just kidding with you, you’re so old, you’d better hurry up and find yourself a boyfriend and get married!”
I sometimes ask tentatively, “Mom, can you still forgive Dad? Maybe, back then, Dad had unspoken hardships, too?”
Mom would touch my head and say, “Daughter, there are things that happen that you can’t just forgive and let go of.
Sometimes I think that the reason I have focused all my attention on work for so many years is entirely from my own extreme distrust of men, and I have a vague feeling that my future boyfriend or husband will definitely cheat on me, and they will betray me just like Dad betrayed Mom. betrayed me. Now, it really happened, Nan Yi ran away, he no longer loves me, the man who loves me eventually chose to leave, next, I really do not know what to do! I feel like I’m completely afraid to have any half-hearted hopes for marriage!