A thousand couples have a thousand kinds of happiness or sadness, but every couple has five “firsts”: playing your cards right, navigating the reefs, and bonding tighter between you.
The first family battle
Marriage makes couples a family, but it makes you treat your partner with less respect or tolerance than you do others, and with such a mindset, things can get ugly when you have friction.
Two months after they got married, Yang Lu and Ma Li had their first serious conflict over their mother-in-law’s financial demands. Ma Li’s mother is a fashionable old lady who often asks her son to pay for her to travel abroad and buy clothes and jewelry. Yang Xia finally lost control: “Why are you so stupid? You’re better off with your mother for the rest of your life!”
Wonderful Tips: A survey shows that the key to couples getting along in the long run depends on how they handle conflict. Arguments are unavoidable, then fights should be avoided as much as possible. Don’t yell at each other by nature even if you are angry. Make a truce first and calm yourself down until you can talk in a calm tone, which keeps the fight under control.
Listen carefully to the other person’s explanation, don’t interrupt or interject, and don’t try to defend your own position;
Talk about the matter, don’t rehash the old story;
Understand the other person to the greatest extent possible, and sincerely work with the other person to find a solution to the conflict.
Take away: Yang Lu said, “I consciously restrained myself from saying “I told you to do this” in a critical way. I went up to him and hugged him and apologized to each other, and it was like being in a relationship again.”
In marriage, actively avoiding arguments is a cover-up, and ignoring the problem only leads to resentment. Constructive arguing, in turn, strengthens the relationship because it shows that you are a couple with a high level of trust and are not afraid to spill the beans to each other. Get past this hurdle and your relationship will take a big step forward.
First time childbirth
The pain of childbirth and the strain of raising a child are beyond the imagination of a couple in a relationship. Having a child can mean even more of a huge psychological challenge for women.
“When I had children, it seemed like I was repeating the life of my grandmother’s generation.” said Nan, 30, a new mother with four years of marriage under her belt. “Washing clothes, cooking, breastfeeding, cleaning, changing diapers, I was completely overwhelmed by all these chores. I was very jealous of my husband’s ability to leave the house and go to work. When he comes home in the evening, the bad feelings I’ve built up all day explode and cause a family war.”
Wonderful tip: Nan’s feelings aren’t abnormal. Being a mom, working women are bound to divert considerable energy to their kids, and for a long time, kids will replace work and play as the number one priority. But don’t forget, the new father’s world has also been completely changed, the most obvious point is that he shoulders the heavy burden of the whole family via. The psychological characteristic of men at this time is that they usually feel left out of child care and feel lost as a result. So the best way to take advantage of this loss is to assign him to do what he can to make him feel the strong bond between family members.
Raising a child can be physically overwhelming and tiring for the couple, which naturally affects sex. Typically, new mothers sleep in the same bed as their children and separate from their husbands in order to not take good care of their babies. Most new fathers are devastated to see their beloved sex partner turn into a complete breastfeeding tool.
Usually, couples are able to resume a normal sex life after 6 weeks; after 6 months, a woman’s body and sex drive return to the way they were before pregnancy and childbirth. It takes a while for a woman’s body to recover after childbirth, and this is a time when her body is very sensitive. If the wife does not want to have sex, she can replace sex with touching and kissing and maintain intimacy as well.
The takeaway: By raising a child, you learn how to combine the roles of parent and partner, and the marriage enters a whole new phase. “The child has made our relationship deeper because he is the first and most serious thing we have done together.” Nan’s husband said. Nan adds, “We have learned to help each other so that we can efficiently handle our chores and enjoy our life as a couple.”
The first big job change
A job change for either spouse, whether it’s a promotion or a demotion, a firing, or an assignment to an out-of-town branch, can cause family turmoil. At this point, the couple’s relationship is put on the back burner and the job takes precedence. A job change doesn’t just mean a change in financial status; it can also change the status, power, self-esteem, and the other person’s perception of themselves in the gender relationship.
Judy and Liang Bo had been married for four years and lived a stable job and good income, but Liang Bo decided to change his career to law when he was 30, and he spent three full months looking for a job. “During the job search, not only did our income drop dramatically, but I had to stay home and occupy my wife’s home office,” Liang Bo said. Liang Bo’s wife Judy, a freelancer, was also not used to her husband staying at home every day; she had to work without interruptions and concentrate on her work. And in order not to affect Liang Bo’s mood, Judy has to be careful what she says, afraid of hurting her husband’s self-confidence. For this reason, she also felt very depressed.
The first step is, of course, to redo the family budget and redistribute the household chores, but the most important thing is to reconceptualize and adjust the roles of both partners in the marriage.
The most serious problem during this difficult period is still the stress that exists between the couple. To ease the tension, having an intimate conversation with your husband is the key to solving the problem.
The takeaway: work and money are directly linked to your own security and self-worth. Because the first big job change in a marriage is bound to raise these issues, addressing them can foster a greater sense of responsibility and collaboration between the couple. As Judah says, “I know that many family conflicts are triggered by money, but we have done our best to overcome the confusion that money brings.” Her positive and forgiving mindset has made her husband much less stressed. Work out the job change and you’ll be sick of having a supportive partner, with whom you won’t have to face it all alone, no matter how hard life gets.
The first health crisis
When any member of the family gets sick, life is immediately turned upside down One by one, illness doesn’t just change the order of life, it also gives each person the opportunity to observe and test how the other person cares for the sick person, while also observing how they face the fear and fragility of life that comes with illness and death. The vulnerability of life.
Sheila, 26, had a major surgery just after her wedding anniversary. Before the surgery, Sheeran saw fear on her husband’s face. “In the weeks leading up to the surgery, he became quite depressed.” Sheeran said, “He didn’t talk to me about anything at all about the surgery.” Luckily, the surgery went very well and the possibility of cancer was ruled out, but life became very chaotic. Sheilan was bedridden for two months, and she couldn’t work or even do housework for the next six months. To make matters worse, she and her husband were filled with anxiety, sensitivity, and loneliness that seemed more difficult to dissipate than to cure.
Wonderful tip: Everyone has their own way of dealing with a health crisis when it hits. The patient may be worried about things like money or losing their job, while the other person is afraid of losing their partner and facing life alone. So, you should talk about your feelings and work together to deal with this fear of “possible loss.
But most women hate being told they are vulnerable. When they are sick, they need the most care, but are reluctant to say so, fearing that they will be seen as worthless if they reveal their weakness. That’s not necessary, and it’s better to ask your husband for help – even if you’re a fairly independent person.
If you are healthy, then ask your husband what he would like you to do for him. Remember one thing: even being there for him can be a great comfort.
Sheeran’s husband took time off to stay home and take care of the ground, and the gap that once existed between them was quickly bridged. She was so weak while recuperating that she stopped having sex altogether, but her husband’s unfailing care deepened their physical closeness.
The takeaway: “When my husband confessed to me that what he feared was my surgery, I realized he loved me so deeply.” Sheeran said, “He took good care of me, even going so far as to take me to the bathroom and bathe me. He was the only person I felt open when he did these things for me.”
Facing divorce for the first time
No, this isn’t about you, but your good friend’s divorce process feels like a test for your own marriage. You start to think: What caused the rift between the couple and why did divorce become the only solution to the problem?
Plum, 29, witnessed the whole process of her best friend Yiyi’s divorce. The divorce was the only way to solve the problem.
Wonderful move: Plum and her husband joined forces to help Yi Yi. They often invited her over for dinner, helped her take the kids out, and encouraged her to redefine the direction of her future life. In the process of helping Yi Yi out of her post-divorce hardship, Plum and her husband have become closer and they have become more in tune with each other.
There is another situation where your couple and another couple are good friends. At this point, if they get a divorce, the divorce front will be extended to your family. You want to maintain a good relationship with both partners, but eventually find that maintaining a friendship with one of them means betraying the other, especially if one of them is having an affair, and it’s time to think about how to discuss the topic of “divorce” with your friend.
When a friend asks you where you stand, tell a little lie or hide what you know about the other person’s new relationship. The couple should secretly agree not to be influenced, not to discuss topics that will cause you controversy, and not to involve yourselves in events that your friends can’t deal with together as a couple.
You can help your friends and cry over them, but if you get into an argument or even a fight over someone else’s divorce, or map your friend’s problems onto your own family life, it’s better to step back! Put aside other people’s problems and plan some romantic actions, such as a short weekend trip or a candlelit dinner at your favorite Italian restaurant.
Heart: Plum’s husband’s concern for Yiyi and her son touched Plum deeply. It’s a “survivor’s light” – your friend’s divorce gives you a small gain in “guilt”: just think of how much your partner cares for you, and how you don’t have the same problems as your friend. When you think about how much your partner cares about you and how you don’t have the same problems as your friend, you realize how happy you are in this world!