Before you come up with a breakup cliché or text him/her with your thoughts, read the following.
Every relationship is different
“The way you handle a breakup has to do with how you are running the relationship.” said Dr. Lieberman, a New York City-based psychoanalytic and psychotherapeutic physician staff member who specializes in people’s relationship problems.
First, not every relationship needs to end with a bang. There are no hard and fast rules that say you’ve entered a relationship. “There are some people who think they’re a couple based on the fact that they’ve been on two dates, and there are others who feel that even many dates can indicate they’re a couple.” Lieberman said, “If you’ve only been on two or three dates, then no more phone calls would indicate that you want to end the relationship, but if you’ve experienced some romantic event or had sexual contact with each other, it’s more polite to call and tell each other.”
“Sometimes it’s easier not to call, and these people just turn and run.” She admits. The explosion of online dating has compounded the situation, as actual breakups are necessary. “When people have been in love on the Internet for a long time, they get the urge to call each other, and it may take longer before you have the courage to ask to meet, which can again create problems because you already like each other so much, and then, when they finally meet, you find out that there are a lot of things that indicate you’re not right for each other.” She said.
Because of the popularity of online dating, the signs before a breakup have changed, Lieberman said. “If you see your online date chatting with other people on the Internet, you’re probably being dumped.” That’s more devious than cold-talking or not calling on a date, she said.
Don’t say breakups via email
Famous singer Britney Spears’ breakup with her now-husband Kevin via text message was widely reported. However, text messaging, email, or other high-tech messaging systems are not the best medium to end a romantic relationship. Social networking sites, including myspace and facebook, allow users to post comments on each other’s pages, but should never be used to end a romantic relationship. Nor should breakupbutler sites, whose websites offer several types of breakup recordings including the subtle to the blunt.
“If it’s just a casual encounter and not a serious business, it’s fine to text to end it. But in my opinion, it’s better to call and make it clear or ask to meet out.” Lieberman said. “Breakup messages should not be released via text message or email because it’s cowardly.” Dr. Alison Arnold said.
Sticking to relationship principles
“It’s imperative to reach out in person or on the phone,” Arnold says, “It’s very important to be giving the other person the opportunity to ask questions and feel what you mean beyond your words. ” Arnold suggests that you should be as honest and direct as possible. “Don’t engage in tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the principle that it’s not work, no one is wrong, it’s just that we need to make changes.”
Can you be friends with him?
Whether two people can be friends again after a breakup depends on the two people themselves and how they felt at the time of the breakup. “If that person is very committed and then breaks up, but always tries to make the other person come back, but a platonic relationship doesn’t work,” Lieberman said. “If you still love him and want him back, the best thing to do is to go cold turkey.”
“If you really want to be friends with him again and he hasn’t found a new love, the best for approach is to leave for a while.” She said. Arnold agreed. “It takes at least eight weeks without contact, without phone calls, without having a cup of coffee together.” She said. “You need time to get used to it and get back to yourself.” Talking like “friends” every day is taboo. “It just keeps the wound inflamed,” Arnold says. Arnold says. “Don’t keep calling to find out how he or she is doing every day. Disconnect all contact.”
A recipe for healing the wound
“Learn from every relationship,” Arnold said. “Write down five things you appreciated in the relationship and want to happen in the next one, and five things you don’t want to happen again.” “Don’t make excuses to bother the other person, find new activities, find friends to talk to shift your focus.” Arnold said. “Don’t find a new love right away,” she advises, “and don’t use other people to heal wounds; it’s not fair to either of you.”