While there are millions of happy or sad couples in the world, there are five “firsts” that every couple encounters, not only as minor setbacks, but also as great ways to grow as a couple. These challenges and changes can make you more thorough in running your marriage.
The First Family War
Marriage makes a couple a family, but The first thing you need to do is to have a good understanding of how to treat your partner and how to treat them with respect or tolerance, and when you have friction, things get ugly.
Two months after Yang Lu and Ma Li got married, they had their first serious conflict over their mother-in-law’s financial demands. Ma Li’s mother is a fashionable old lady who often asks her son to pay for her to travel abroad and buy clothes and jewelry. Yang Xia finally lost control: “Why are you so stupid? You’re better off with your mother for the rest of your life!”
Bypassing the reef: A check shows that the key to couples getting along in the long run depends on how they handle serious conflict. Disputes are unavoidable, then fights should be avoided as much as possible. Don’t let your anger get the better of you and yell at each other. Make a truce and calm yourself down until you can talk in a calm tone, which keeps the fight under control. The specific methods are as follows:
Listen carefully to the other person’s explanation, do not interrupt or interject, and do not try to defend your own attitude; discuss the matter as it is, do not rehash the old story; understand the other person to the greatest extent possible, and sincerely work with the other person to find a solution to the serious conflict The most important thing you can do is to find a solution.
Take away: Yang Lu said, “I consciously restrained myself from saying critical things like, ‘I told you to do this. I went up to him and hugged him, then apologized to each other and seemed to be back in a relationship.”
In married life, actively avoiding controversy is a cover-up, and ignoring the topic can only lead to mutual resentment. Constructive controversy, on the contrary, strengthens the relationship, as it shows that you are a couple with a high level of trust and are not afraid to confide in each other. Having gotten past this hurdle, your relationship will take a big step forward.
First time childbirth
The pain of childbirth, the strain of raising a child The pain of childbirth, the labor of raising a child, is something that couples in love cannot imagine. Having and raising a child means even more of a huge psychological challenge for women. “When I had children, it seemed like I was repeating the life of my grandmother’s generation.” said Nan, 30, a new mother of four years of marriage.
“Washing clothes, cooking, breastfeeding, cleaning, changing diapers, I was completely sunk by these chores. I was very jealous of my husband’s ability to leave the house to go to work. When he comes home in the evening, my bad moods that have been building up all day explode and cause a family war.”
Bypassing the reef: Nan’s feelings aren’t abnormal. Being a mom, working women are bound to divert considerable energy to their kids, who will replace work and play as top priorities for a long time. But let’s not forget that the new dad’s world has also been radically changed, most notably by the fact that he has the heavy burden of the whole family’s scriptures on his shoulders.
Raising a child can be physically overwhelming and exhausting for the couple, which naturally affects orgasms. Generally, new mothers sleep in the same bed with their children and separate from their husbands in order to not take good care of their babies. Most new fathers are devastated to see their beloved sexual partner turned into a complete breastfeeding tool.
The takeaway: Through parenting, you learn how to combine the roles of parent and partner, and the marriage enters a whole new phase. “Our child has made our bond even stronger, due to the fact that he was the first thing we did together that was most severe and serious.” Nan’s husband said. Nan added, “We have learned to help each other so that we can efficiently handle our chores and enjoy our life as a couple.”
The first big job change
Either one of the couple’s jobs has a change, whether it’s a promotion or demotion, a firing, or an assignment to an out-of-town branch, can cause family turmoil. At this point, the couple’s relationship is put on the back burner and the job takes precedence. A job change doesn’t just mean a change in financial status; it can also change the status, power, self-esteem, and the other person’s perception of themselves in the gender relationship.
Judy and Liang Bo, who had been married for four years and lived a stable job and good income, decided to switch careers to law when he was 30, and spent three full months looking for a job. “During the job search, not only did our income drop dramatically, but I had to stay home and occupy my wife’s home office,” Liang Bo said.
Judy, Liang Bo’s wife, is a freelancer and not used to her husband staying at home every day; she had to work without interruptions and focus on her work. And in order not to affect Liang Bo’s mood, Judy also has to be careful what she says for fear of hurting her husband’s self-confidence. For this reason, she also felt depressed.
Bypassing the reef: The first step is, of course, redoing the family budget and redistributing household chores, but most importantly, re-familiarizing and adjusting the roles that both partners play in the marriage. The most serious topic during this difficult period is still the stress that exists between the couple. To ease the tension, having intimate conversations with your husband is the key to solving the problem.
Take Away: Work and money are directly linked to one’s own sense of security and self-worth. Since the first big job change in a marriage is bound to trigger these topics, addressing them can promote a greater sense of responsibility and collaboration between the couple.
The first health crisis
When any member of the family becomes ill Immediately, life is turned upside down. One illness not only changes the order of life, but also gives each person the opportunity to observe and test how the other person cares for the sick person, while at the same time observing how he or she faces the fear and fragility of life that comes with illness and death.
Shelan, 26, had a major surgery just after her wedding anniversary. Before the surgery, Xie Lan saw fear on her husband’s face. “In the weeks leading up to the surgery, he became quite depressed.” Sheeran said, “He didn’t talk to me about anything at all about the surgery.”
The good news is that the surgery went very well and the possibility of cancer was ruled out, but life became very chaotic. Sheilan was bedridden for two months, and for the next six months she was unable to work or even do housework. To make matters worse, her and her husband’s hearts were covered with anxiety, sensitivity, and loneliness, and detoxifying them seemed more difficult than curing the disease.
Bypassing the reef: Everyone has their own way of dealing with a health crisis when it hits. The patient may be worried about money or losing his or her job, while the other is afraid of losing his or her partner and facing life alone. So, you should talk about your feelings and work together to deal with this fear of “possible loss.
Heart: “When my husband confessed to me that his fear was my surgery, I realized how much he loved me.” Sheeran said, “He took good care of me, even to the point of taking me to the bathroom and bathing me. He was the only person I felt open when he did these things for me.”
First time facing a separation and divorce
No, this isn’t about you. But your good friend’s separation and divorce pass process feels like a test of your own marriage. The company’s main goal is to provide a solution to the problem of the divorce. The first thing that happened was that the couple was in the middle of a divorce, and they were all thinking; who will be next?
Bypassing the reef: Plum and her husband joined forces to help Yi Yi. They often invited her home for dinner, helped her take her children out to play, and encouraged her to redefine the direction of her future life. In the process of helping Yi Yi out of her difficult situation after her separation and divorce, Plum and her husband have become closer and they have a better understanding of each other.
You can help a friend or cry over a friend, but if you’re arguing or even fighting over someone else’s separation and divorce, or if you’re mapping your friend’s problems onto your own family life, then take a step back! Put aside other people’s problems and plan something romantic, like a short weekend trip or a candlelit dinner at your favorite Italian restaurant.
Heart: Plum’s husband’s concern for Yiyi and her son touched Plum deeply. This is a “survivor’s light” – your friend’s separation and divorce gives you a small gain of “guilt”: just think of how much your partner cares for you. When you limit the topics that don’t exist for friends, you realize how happy you really are in this world!
Afterword: Although the two of you face many problems together, these bumps in the road allow you to grow up quickly and gain a deeper sense of love, allowing you to mature slowly.