Do couples get intimate when they are in love? Yes. The answer to that question is yes.
Many people think that couples are intimate and report everything to each other, no matter how big or small, and that’s the way to go. This statement is only half right. It is right to be intimate, and it is wrong to have to report every detail to each other, no matter how big or small.
When Tang and Wu Wei first met for nine hours, they had endless conversations. For the next two years, they were as close as one, sharing everything and reveling in a transparent, passionate and devoted love. Every wish, every fear and dread, every piece of their past and present lives had to be shared with each other, as if that was the only way their relationship could grow closer. At first it felt so good, we loved each other without reservation, but gradually I felt suffocated and telling him every detail of my day seemed to be a necessity,” Wu Wei said. I don’t have my own space or secrets, it’s like I’ve lost myself.”
Yes, that’s right. If you measure intimacy by the standard of saying everything, then the two will only end up getting further apart. Isn’t that the opposite of what you want? What was meant to be a way to boost their relationship ends up with two people feeling suffocated and having to get rid of each other to get their breath.
Change the scenario. If it wasn’t a lover, but a boss, and you had to report to him on a list of every task you did, would you want to? Yes, it is only natural to report to your boss. If each task is broken down into steps to report to him, would you like to do it? It’s a little hard, but still doable. If every minute of every step of every job, you have to tell him, are you willing? You feel like you have eyes on you at all times, maybe with the help of technology, but it’s like being watched by a cobra, isn’t it?
By the way, the same is true between lovers. Some people stubbornly believe that this is called loving without reservation. In fact, love without reservation refers more to a depth of love, more on the psychological level. The fact is that the company is not afraid to hurt itself, to let go of everything to love each other, without giving itself back, this is called love without reservation, and always report, every detail to tell each other, in fact, there is not much inevitable or causal relationship.
Everyone needs their own secret garden
Wu Wei’s Distress does not negate a foundational principle of love: in a good relationship, it is vital to be able to talk heart-to-heart with your partner. But when we get used to an all-important, all-consuming mode of communication, we find that our relationship is not closer as a result. The basis of intimacy is not simply knowing everything about the other person, but also the part of the secret that you don’t know.
Everyone becomes a natural master of impression management when they start a new partnership. Every little thing we reveal adds to our own image project, whether it’s a book or movie we claim to love, or a childhood story we pick out to tell. We choose our conversations carefully, finding a balance between revealing and reserving, so that we can be both radiant and mysterious (especially when introducing ourselves in online dating). If this phase is successful, the selective sharing during this period will give you the confidence to start revealing your true self. “You have the courage to know that you can be fully understood.” Janet Reibstein, a professor of psychology at the University of Exeter in England, said, “Everyone has to get past this point, feel accepted, and then start to spill the beans on their less glamorous side.”
So we are unthinkingly honest with each other and see it as proof of love. But over time, if it remains the only manifestation of intimacy, it will gradually make the relationship between two people tend to disintegrate. Because the psychology of longing, which can only be triggered by inaccessibility, lack and mystery, is no longer present in this kind of romantic relationship. PierreLévy-Soussan, a French psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, explains: “Everyone needs his or her own secret garden. In the secret garden, your various ideas arise; you fall into fantasies. From the moment we are born, the creation and destruction of illusions are repeated, in succession, through which we learn to perceive reality in the right way. It also gives us hope: we have the possibility to perform magic on the present and change the status quo. Fantasy drives us to change, to create the world, and for couples, fantasy is essential to maintaining a relationship that continues to be passionate.”
The secrets that can’t be told and the secrets that can be told
Does that mean that we have to keep little secrets in order to keep the attraction between the two of us? Yes and no.
After analyzing the downside of sharing everything with each other in a relationship, we concluded that each of us must have our own separate space, which is a good thing for the relationship to last. It is not a bad thing that we have some secrets that we cannot tell each other. But it is undeniable that the relationship between two people is enhanced through constant communication and communication. Communication means constantly sharing, sharing views on the world, sharing each other’s daily joys and sorrows, so we still have to keep communicating and exchanging with each other, just to hold the scale. Get to know each other as much and as deeply as possible within the limits of what is acceptable to the other person, within the limits of what is acceptable to the relationship, and within the limits of what the two can afford.
This is about the secrets that can’t be told, not the ones that hurt each other and hurt the relationship. The starting point of all our discussions is to enhance the relationship between the two people and to take each other farther. If it’s meeting a friend of the opposite sex who has a crush on you, or if you have a crush on someone of the opposite sex, we don’t advocate classifying that among the secrets that can’t be told.
So behaviors and events that are hurtful to the other person, hurtful to the relationship between two people, and cause deceitful feelings are not within the scope of legitimate unspeakable secrets. If you hide these things, then you are deliberately deceiving the other person’s feelings and doing something that hurts the feelings of both people, which is improper and immoral.
In summary, the intimacy between the couple can not be on what to say, keep some space for each other can make the two hold hands together to go farther. However, the behavior and things that hurt feelings are not within the secrets that can not be said, but should be confessed as soon as possible and each other, together to face and solve the problem.