I know this really not a good writing but this is how it came out of my memory and my heart. So bear with me please
May 1965………I made it back home from 13 months overseas in Germany. Finally saw my wife in front of me. I expected her to come running to me and hugging and kissing, etc. But instead I walk to her and get a hug and a small kiss. She says I am glad you are back home. We all load up in the car and go to the house.
Here is where I expected the passion of being with my wife to be over the top. It seems almost like it is just everyday at home with the wife and new baby. I get to see my tiny newborn baby girl. The instant I see her my heart just fills up and ready to explode with love for this tiny little girl.
So we continue to get back to where we was before I left to go overseas. Then came the time to pack up my wife and our little baby girl and head to my next duty station in New Jersey. At least it is stateside and can keep my family with me. We finally make it from Oklahoma to New Jersey. We find a tiny apartment for now. The very next day I am hit with the wife demanding to take her and the baby back to Oklahoma. She says she is scared of being here with no family or knowing anyone. And also afraid that I will get shipped overseas and left here all alone. I tried to change her mind that we need to stay together as a family. But lost that battle and took them back to her family.
Now my mind is going all directions. Maybe she was afraid but not wanting to be with your husband as much as possible? Maybe she doesn`t love my anymore. Maybe she found someone else she would rather be with back in Oklahoma. My heart is broken! I feel like my family just walked out on me and does not want to be with me any more. But why? What did I do to deserve this? The anger sets inside of me. That is a bad combination to be feeling! I end up crashing my car in Tennessee because my mind was going crazy and I was crying my eyes out. So had to hitchhike to New Jersey to the apartment. I finally get there and try to get some rest. I had 2 days before I had to report in at the post. I tried to rest but could never fall asleep. I feel like I have lost everything that I ever loved.
I finally woke up from a terrible fitful bit of sleep. I told my self to just go away! Nobody gives a crap about me anyways! So I packed up my stuff and walked out the door and started walking. I headed west. After a few days I made it to North Carolina. I was in a diner eating when a man came in and announced he was looking for some men to work on his road crew resurfacing the roads around the area. He said he paid in cash every Friday and no W2s would be made out. So I gave him a false name and home address and went to work. In the meantime I missed check-in at the Army post. Two days later they had me listed as AWOL. I really didn`t care. Nobody cared! So worked with this road crew for about 2 1/2 months. Saved up my money the whole time them bought an old beater car with cash. I was ready to turn myself in to the Army to face whatever they wanted from me. So I drove to my hometown and turned myself in. They had a small court martial for me and asked me why I did it. So I told them the same story you have just read above. They actually said that they would have probably done the same thing. But gave me 6 months confinement at Fort Sill.
During the time time I was at Fort Sill, my wife and her family came to visit me a few times to see me and let me know what`s going on back home. I still got no real love and affection from my wife. Really felt odd. On one of the last visits before I was discharged, my wife tells me that we are pregnant and having another baby. I was actually very happy to hear that. I thought well maybe we can be a real family again!
I finally get my discharge from the Army and go home. It seemed strange. Still no crazy sex or hugging and kissing like I was hoping for. It seemed like just another day at home. And by now her mother keeps asking me about when am I getting a job and finding a place to start taking care of my family. Then my wife`s step father offers us their old house where they used to live before buying the one they were in. We took him up on his offer and moved in. Finally found a decent job and made enough for us to pay our bills and make some sort of life here. But still had to stay in their old house.
Then one day out of the blue my mother in law started saying things to me that really made my head spin. We had gone to their house to visit with them for a few hours. The wife left the room to check on our daughter or maybe is was our newborn son. Don`t remember which. But she just sat there staring at me! Finally she stood up and pointed her finger at me and stated……The only reason she and those babies are staying with you is so you will take care of her and the babies! And don`t you forget it! Then you started back in the room so she just walked into the kitchen like she wanted some water or something. Me and my father in law was just there with our mouths hanging open. My wife asked what`s going on? I said not a thing but it is probably time to get the kids home for a nap and I need to do a few things around the house.
That was the second time my world had been turned upside down! Was it true? Am I only good for that? Why would she say that to me? Is that why my wife so indifferent towards me? Is that why our sex life is so dull and few and far between sessions?
I am going to something here that is out of the flow of this. But when I first got to see my newborn son I did not get hit with the same feeling as i did with my daughter. Something was missing inside my heart when I looked at him and held him. I loved him and would die for him but like I said, something was missing.
I finally got around to finding and catching up with all my old friends that was still there. It seemed like old times talking and laughing with them. Then one day a long lost friend friend bumped into me and we both were so excited to see each other. So me and Tom went to get something to drink and catch up on old times. He asked me about the Army and Germany and such. I told him and then wanted to hear about him. We talked back and forth for about a hour then he said he had to go to work. Then as he started to leave, he stopped and turned then stated……..I am glad you came and took your wife back! She didn`t need to be hanging around the other people that she has been spending time with! I said who are you talking about? Tell me! I don`t know names, just faces but have seen them around for awhile. I said why are you telling me this? He says Hell Don, we all have seen her. There is a lot of us guys all over town. Nobody can do anything without somebody seeing you! And then he walks away leaving me standing there.
Now I am asking myself why is this all happening to me? If it is true then why don`t my wife just tell me so we can get it all figured out and get lives in order? Am I raising and caring for another mans baby son? Is that why there was that missing feeling when I first saw and held him? Please someone tell me!! I decided that I would not ever bring up any of this until she decides it is time to tell me the truth about all of our lives.
So now here we are 57 years later. We are still living together but it feels like I am living with a cousin or someone other than my loving wife. I am still waiting or her to tell me. Deep in my heart I feel like this is a livling bad dream. Our son seems to have disowned us several years ago. I really feel the my mother in law told him that I was not his real father. I think she told him that so that he would want to stay and live with her while the rest of us moved to OKC. Don`t know for sure but that is what my gut tells me.
I guess it looks like I will probably die and go to hell before she tells me everything that happened while I was away from the family. If so, then maybe I will get my answers in my afterlife! But for now I guess I will continue to live out this miserable life not know if have ever been truly loved!