In the secular concept of society, every status term is interpreted to form a default rule. For example, the boyfriend should take the lead in the relationship, the man should take the initiative to carry the bag for the woman, and so on. Women are also accustomed to the behavior and concept of “how men should be”. Once the other party does not meet, they feel aggrieved. The woman, do you think the idea of “should” is limiting the development of the two.
For a simple example, if you think he loves you, he should book a table at a Western restaurant for Valentine’s Day and have a nice candlelit dinner. You think he loves you, he needs to tolerate everything you do. You think he loves you, he should clearly draw the line with other people of the opposite sex …… There should be a lot of similar ones, and I believe he has a lot of shoulds for you.
Because of some argument, you had a hard time with him and have been drifting apart ever since. You said, “If he cares about me, he should apologize to me first.” The original deep friendship, gradually dissipated. I can’t help but ask: “Why care about you, “should” apologize first? Who said that? Don’t you care about him?”
Life is originally a pure white sheet of paper, but as we grow up we experience and absorb all kinds of rules of the heart. For example, “if enough friends,” should “support each other in love”, “if he understands me,” should “know what I am thinking. ” If you love me, you “should” do what I ask you to do. And so on. So when your friend doesn’t support you; if he doesn’t know what you’re thinking; if he doesn’t do what you’re asking him to do, something is wrong.
This is how many conflicts and arguments ignite. The most important thing is that we have a lot of conflicts and arguments about how we should behave emotionally, how we should behave monetarily, how we should behave at work, how we should behave as friends, how we should behave as daughters-in-law, how we should behave as children, how we should behave as husband, how we should behave as wife. …… Every time we say “who should behave”, we are actually saying Whenever we say “who should be”, we are really saying that someone is wrong or doing something wrong.
Many of our thoughts fall into a certain pattern because that’s what we’ve been doing for most of our lives. We are so bound by the rules of the heart that we can’t get out of the shackles of the heart. I’ll take the rule of the heart, “If you love me, you should do what I ask you to do,” and few people will question it. Because when we were young, our parents said they loved us and rewarded us for being good and punished us when we disobeyed. After that, it’s natural for us to think that “obedience is a sign of love.
Now, let’s see if this seemingly reasonable rule of mind makes sense. One female student said, “If he really loves me, you should please me …… have to buy me nice gifts …… stay with me all weekend …… in order to make me happy and be willing to do things they hate. Isn’t that what boyfriends are supposed to do?”
Before asking the other person to should, let’s see where that should comes from.
One comes from the perceptions of mainstream society
Human beings are group animals. Group identity is very important to individuals and can even change personal decisions. For example, the identity of boyfriend is defined by the mainstream society that he must take the lead in the relationship and support the relationship between the two. Financially, the boyfriend must also dominate and give women a sense of dependence with a tall image. So, women rightfully agree and believe that men should do the same.
Two from the small groups around you
Everyone has small groups around them. small groups, consisting of family members, close friends, colleagues, etc. There are various ideas and perceptions in society, and the clique discourse that surrounds each person largely determines that person’s conception of something. For example, boyfriends. If one grows up accepting the argument that men must be rich to be good or that men are bad if they are rich, then that person is likely to grow up holding the same notion.
Three from personal experience
The education we receive and The usual perceptions are combined with personal experiences and finally form a fixed idea. Like fruits and vegetables, the mainstream fruits and vegetables are different in each place, even in today’s advanced logistics. When we go to other places to study and work, we will gradually accept the local food, but we will not lose the food preferences of the place we grew up. It’s like scrambled tomatoes with sugar or salt, it’s just a regional difference.
Our bodies themselves will slowly adapt to this process and develop a new balance between the two tastes. This is human adaptability at work. This is also true in the perception of things, where new experiences either consolidate the original inherent impressions, overturn them to re-establish them, or shock them to form new perceptions after a period of grinding adaptation.
This goes back to the original topic. It may seem reasonable to demand “shoulds” from the other person, but are the demands themselves reasonable? Do you ever wonder if the “should” itself should exist when you are rightfully asking for it?
For example, is it right that a boyfriend should keep his distance from all people of the opposite sex? Yes, it’s the right thing to do. Because this is one of the basic principles of love, exclusivity and exclusion. This path is destined to be followed by only two people. So, it’s the way to go.
For example, is it right that a boyfriend should be dismissive of all beautiful people of the opposite sex? No. Because from a human point of view, this is something that is impossible to do. Beauty will give people a straightforward impact, at the first sight, can’t help but notice. It would be an anomaly if he did it without giving a damn about a beautiful woman for no reason. Of course, in the follow-up, the principle that boyfriends should keep their distance from all members of the opposite sex should prevail, and we are simply expressing the normal human understanding of the first instinctive attention to the outwardly attractive opposite sex.
With that said, isn’t some of this fighting over “shoulds” unnecessary? Who said the boyfriend “should” so? If we use our own hearts to demand that others “should do this and that,” we will deny and blame them when they fail to meet it, and we will certainly have problems getting along.
We must distinguish whether it is the problem that is holding us back or whether it is our own narrow rules of mind that are limiting us. When I believe in those rules of mind, I ask myself, “Who said things “should” be this way?”” Is it helpful for me to hold on to this idea?” Once you let go of that rule of mind, you’ll find that the problem dissipates.
Drop the “If he loves me, he should…” mentality and you’ll have a better relationship.