As a child, I was not a person who was good at taking words to protect myself. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to its customers. At first I would just cry and go to my homeroom teacher to solve the problem, and then I learned to fight back and teach the boys who were bullying me a lesson.
Perhaps because of these experiences, I am now a very “righteous” person.
Growing up, fists and name-calling were definitely not a good way to communicate, and even being aggressive in expressing one’s displeasure was met with forceful retaliation, even if the mistake was made by the other person.
Of course, expressing your emotions is never wrong, it’s just that taking a different approach will achieve different results.
First we need to sort out what it means to be upset.
It’s true, it’s a very common and can makeonefeel multiple things, both physical and psychological. strong>is a very common and can causemultiple physical and psychological discomfort. And the cause of this emotion may be something or someone. So usually the two most common ways that people around you express their discontent are by expressing it directly and by not expressing it.
Neither of these is the appropriate way to do it.
The first kind of direct articulation can lead to the situation we described above. The second, on the other hand, allows emotions to accumulate in oneself, which neither solves the problem effectively nor tends to lead to pent-up resentment.
Gently expressing grievances, on the other hand, is a relatively advanced way to go. So we can shift our thinking – how gentle people express grievances, and how we can become gentle people.
This is where we again need to understand what gentleness is. Many people will think it’s a gift, that some people are born gentle, insightful and tolerant. In fact, gentleness can also be an ability that can be learned through love, through age, through empathy.
To get back to the point, how do gentle people express their discontent effectively.
1. Unload the anger and be sensitive to the needs.
The emotion of dissatisfaction, although it comes from someone or something or an action, is rooted in your own unmet needs. It is important to face up to your needs, clarify the nature of the problem, take the emotion out of it, and be prepared to be rational and non-emotional. Because the ultimate goal of voicing out grievances is to solve problems, not create new ones.
Expressing dissatisfaction should not become expressing dissatisfaction.
Of course, everyone has moments of anger and resentment, unloadingtheunder< strong>Anger doesn’t mean that you can’t be angry, but rather that you make your negative emotions exist only within a cycle.
Take relationships, for example. Love is a relationship that can easily cause confusion and conflict with people, and men and women can argue over all sorts of little things that could even be called trivial. Some people will go their separate ways because they argue violently, and others will guide each other to work through problems together.
The best girl I’ve ever met at handling relationships is a friend of many years, and she has a rare gravitas about her. That kind of warmth is not a pretense, but a good upbringing that has been infused into one’s bones since childhood.
To be honest, I have always been inferior to her in terms of emotional control. I am a person who is easily driven by emotions and was once impulsive and full of hostility. The effect of these emotions on me has been mostly negative, except for the label of “personality”, which has helped almost nothing.
I had the pleasure of meeting her mother a few times, a gentle and elegant woman, like the intention of Jiangnan in the poem, the beauty of the years. The first time I saw it was at the courier point, a long overdue delivery was missing, and the courier’s refusal to cooperate was really gnashing of teeth, and if it had been on me, I would have had a big fight to get over it.
My friend’s mother spoke softly, maintaining a poise from the beginning to the resolution that easily reminded me of the standards of a lady in literature. She sat there, listening to the courier’s bickering and the site’s pushback, at first negotiating compensation with the courier, then going to the postal service to complain after nothing.
Even when the courier spoke out, she didn’t interrupt violently, she just calmly waited for the other side to finish before making her demands. It’s not that she wasn’t angry, she just found the emotion useless, and it was too ugly to argue with a red face at the courier point.
A friend said she had hardly seen her mother look angry in more than two decades, because communicating gently but firmly is far more powerful than arguing.
2. Good description, reasonable expectations.
When describing your emotions and feelings, the most important thing is to do so in a way that is “right for the person” and does not transmit negative emotions to the other party.
Expressing your grievances should not go beyond the incident itself, or you will inevitably give others the illusion of being on top of it. The first thing you need to do is to express your true feelings objectively and present your core arguments so that the other person understands your own principles and bottom line, and at the same time understand your own thoughts and demands.
Use subjective words like “I think” and “I think” instead of “you make me” and “because you
Replace “you let me” and “because you” with subjective words like “I think” and “I think”.
For example, when couples in intimate relationships fight, it’s easy to go from the smallest thing in front of them to rehashing old scores, and eventually to the deadly question of “Do you love me or not? The most important thing is to be honest about your relationship, so we can trust each other, be honest, tolerate your partner’s shortcomings and argue hysterically.
There will always be conflict and disconnection between two people, and being as close as you can be is not proof of love. The company’s main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers. In fact, it is not difficult to seriously consider and put forward their demands, on the contrary, it is foolish to forcefully hold back and use corner arguments to prove that the other party cares about them. After all, the best way to avoid a fight is to calmly state your grievances.
Many people like to say things like “be nice to me” or “just be nice” in a vague and specious way, thinking they are being considerate and generous, but the other person often doesn’t meet their true needs. At the same time, the demands go up as the relationship progresses, making it more difficult to communicate.
This is not gentle and considerate, and there is no shame in “bargaining” reasonably in a relationship.
Truly gentlepeople are, to a large extent, worldly. Knowing the world but not being worldly, being innocent at heart but not naive, being able to navigate all occasions, and not deliberately show off; not to look ugly by over-exerting themselves, and not to lose their dignity by being obsequious.
Expressing dissatisfaction in the workplace requires even more caution, offering opinions that are reasonably classified as work rather than personal feelings. The workplace is about work, not about attacking each other’s lives with anger, and not about bringing that emotion back into your own life.
3. Look for measures, to resolve it in a timely manner.
We should always adhere to the principle that expression is about solving problems, not just venting. Communication is one of the effective measures we can take to solve problems, to reduce nagging and resentment and hatred in the world, and to calmly sit down and talk with each other about how this has affected us, and how we should face and resolve similar situations in the future.
Make a mental summary, or make a list on paper. I have a friend who even prints out an Excel sheet before each time she needs to get a theory from someone, writing from the cause to the outcome to the solution, and also listing multiple possibilities. She takes into account the different outcomes of different ways of handling an event, and sets herself up mentally in advance so that she doesn’t lose too much ground, whether or not it ends up going the way she wants.
She’s not a good speaker, and even seems awkward in many situations, but always articulates her needs effectively and without being uncomfortable.
This approach is rather exaggerated, but it can be effective in helping us sort out our heads.
Of course we also encounter situations where communication doesn’t work, after all, people think and have different personalities more or less. It’s hard to be hurt and not have it resolved, but confining yourself to the hurt and wasting more time thinking back on those bad feelings inevitably adds to the sense of a negative psychological experience.
After all, communicationis notpolitically right or wrong sonot on the outcome, the heart is open. strong>open-minded, remembering that with people for good words, nor let people deceive each other.
Less grudges and more communication. Whenit comes toanything, you mightthink carefully about maximizing the benefits.
Don’t be shy about expressing your feelings or venting your anger easily.
Maybe this answer seems slightly like a flavor of chicken soup for the soul, and we’ll make different choices depending on the situation.
I hope you can be that kind of person, gentle but not sharp, kind but also sharp.