How parents can overcome bad emotions with their children – 6 steps to get it done
Introduction: During this two-month summer break, are we parents who spend the most time with our children successful and happy, or confused and anxious? It depends on our beliefs, values and rules (emotions). Today 24minutes.com is sharing how parents can overcome bad emotions with their children.
Many people think emotions come from other people, things, and objects, but in fact it is within themselves that determines emotions:1. Beliefs – what they think things should be in the world; 2. Values – what they care about in an event, i.e. what is most important, what they want… …etc.; 3, rules – how things should be done. Each person’s beliefs, values and rules are different, so they will have different emotional reactions to the same event. When a person’s beliefs, values, and rules change, things bring out different emotions in that person.
So if you want things to improve for you, you have to change your own set of beliefs, values, and rules about things, rather than trying to change the world, which is a lot of work and often futile. Mature people understand this, while children are used to their parents changing unsatisfactory situations for them, and when they encounter something they are unhappy with, they argue and complain, thinking they don’t need to change it.
How much do we know about our children’s vacation psychology? The children in the summer are relaxed, their teachers and schoolwork no longer dictate their work schedule, and they are not bound by school rules and regulations. The first thing they want is to have a good time, and the second thing they want is to think about how to have fun, and only then will they think about their holiday homework. Their life will be irregular, sleeping until ten o’clock in the morning or watching TV at home all day, and sometimes they even yell about boredom and depression, and become bad-tempered …… These are the “normal reactions of children in general during holidays, which can be said to be a disorderly state. The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what you’re doing.
A careful analysis of children’s holiday psychology shows that this “disorder” is very difficult to understand and that the specific behaviors that this psychology triggers in children are also very difficult for parents to predict. The only way for parents to understand their children’s needs is to communicate with them carefully, and to learn from some of the practices of schooling, so that summer family camp can be a special school. For example: discuss with your child to develop a flexible work schedule, this work schedule should be appropriately relaxed, there are limits, do not remember the full schedule, too rigid, so that the child can not breathe and resent, when the child according to the work schedule to do, parents should be more affirmative and encouraging, do not add code, give the child more discretionary time, he will be happier; and then, create opportunities for children to expand their horizons. The most important thing is to make sure that you have a good idea of what you’re doing. ……
After hearing all this, have you changed your mood because of your child’s holiday performance?
Emotions can be understood and accepted! The reason is that emotions are like a pendulum clock, and it is the law that positive and negative emotions keep swinging. The first thing you need to do is to think of a person who has only “positive” emotions, and there is only one possibility: a psychiatric patient in a mental hospital; then a person who has only negative emotions, and there is only one possibility: suicide; so mood swings can be understood and accepted, and you should show your understanding and acceptance of your child’s emotions. For example: the child does not listen (things) – you will think about the child how you do (their own beliefs) – generate anger (behavior out of control) – scolding or even hands (bad results). When you look at the procedure of this event, you will understand: this is a one-way emotional behavior, thinking only on the elimination of the other person’s emotions, mistakenly thinking that as long as the other person’s negative emotions disappear, there is no problem. But in fact, this is not helpful to solve the “problem” in the event, more damaging is that it will make your education to the vicious circle of the road, you will grow older with the child more and more powerless and helpless, so the development of their own emotional intelligence, to do emotional autonomy (I want to be happy I will create happiness, I want to be sad to feel sad) is something we must work on.
Ways to manage emotions:
1) Deep breathing: when in pain, anger, fear, tension, uneasiness ……;
2) Pulling the hook: you can calm yourself;
3) Drink water, lack of water concentration is not easy, feel tired, drink plain water;
4)Belief balance:Your child, some of his habits make you angry, and I’m sure you have those habits, too. Children learn by imitating the adults around them. Get those habits out of you and you will find that they automatically change as well.
1 Traditionally ineffective:
“Exchange” – that is, offering the emotional person something of value that he or she seeks to put aside, such as “Stop crying, I’ll buy you… …” or “Don’t be upset, I’ll take you to eat ……” This exchange, because nothing has been done to trigger the emotion, so only a short-lived transfer effect, after the
“Punishment” – the idea that negative emotions are bad and shouldn’t be there. The first thing you need to do is to make sure that you have a good idea of what you are doing. If you do it again ……, I’ll beat you up!” Or “I get angry when I talk to you, let’s not talk.” The inability to communicate with those around you is one of the most common weapons used to punish the other person, making the person caught in the emotion even more isolated and lonely, making it harder to jump out;
“Indifference” – when you encounter a child who has emotions and asks for help, tell them to “take care of it themselves
“Apathy”-When children ask for help with their emotions, tell them to “handle it themselves. For example, “these things, others can not help, or calmly think about it yourself.
“Preaching” – the most common tactic used by parents when there is nothing else they can do – is to tell the emotional person a lot of things: what should be done, what is wrong, and how to fix it. …… does not help at all to solve the problem, or to relieve the emotions, they insist they are “painstaking”, “good advice”, and all they say is irrefutable things They insist that they are “painstaking” and “good” and that what they say is irrefutable, but they offer no effective and feasible solutions. The child’s mood will only get worse when he or she is faced with these chattering people: “You are so annoying,” the child shouts in his or her mind.
2 Effective EQ-type processing:
“Acceptance”-that is, you notice that the child has an emotion and accept the child who has that emotion. This can be expressed in words like, “I see you’re a little upset, would you like to talk to me about it?” Or “You look awful, sit down and tell me what’s wrong?” If you pretend not to see his (her) emotions, or deny his emotions, such as “You are in a mood again!” , “What’s the matter with you again?” The company’s main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers.
“Share” – In this step, the most important thing is to share the emotion first and then the thing itself. He always starts by talking about things: who, who doesn’t make sense, what’s not working, etc. You have to move his attention to his emotions, such as “How do you feel now?” For example, “How do you feel now?”, “So you’ve been wronged.” For example, “How do you feel now?”, “So you were wronged.”, “Are you angry or sad that he treated you this way?” When the person answers anger, you continue to ask: “What’s behind the anger? Disappointment or powerlessness”; keep drawing attention to the physical sensations or emotional feelings, and when the other person says about six such words, you will find that the other person has begun to calm down, or the tone of voice is lowered, and the body movements are reduced. Now, you can ask the person what is causing the emotion. When you understand what’s going on, you can move on to step 3.
“Set the example”-In this step, you start by identifying what’s acceptable to you and affirming it verbally, such as, “You think it’s unreasonable, so no wonder you’re so angry.” “You’ve been preparing for this for so long, and you’re disappointed that it’s suddenly canceled.” In general, you can easily find the other person’s perspective on things and make an affirmation, or simply affirm the other person’s emotions (“things are not as good as you want them to be, of course you are angry”). At this point, the other person already thinks you are on his side. Next, you point out to the other party what he needs to change in the matter, you can not directly say that the other party is wrong, or what should be done, because then you are putting yourself back in opposition to the other party, so that the psychological effect just built up destroyed. You should point out what is needed from the other person’s position, for example: “But you have to get along with him every day, and if he is unreasonable every day, you will get angry every day, and it will be very hard for you!” Or “Although you have been preparing for such a long time, but for some reason you can’t control the cancellation, but you can control the ‘how to be happy’ thing!” With the previous affirmation, you now say this, and of course the other person will easily accept the change.
“Planning”-that is, making plans for future actions with the goal that you will do better. You base this part of the concept on the phrase: “There are three ways to solve everything!” You can say, “Think about what you can do to make a difference in his attitude toward you?” Or “What are some other options that would allow you to have a fun day after the event is cancelled?” By guiding the person to see other possibilities, the person’s negative feelings will stop and they will also be more positive and take back control of things.
3 The positive meaningful value of negative emotions:These negative emotions, which either give us strength or point us in a new direction, are understood. Then you can use them.
Anger – is giving us the power to change an unacceptable situation;
Pain – is giving a motivation to get out of the way (frog and hot water);
Fear – is not wanting to pay the price you think you need to pay;
Hardship -is thinking to give more than you receive;
Disappointment -to self: not accepting oneself, to others: failed attempts to manipulate.
Bothered – shouldn’t be put here, but have to be;
Complaints – put yourself down, you didn’t give me what I should;
Helpless – what is known, what has been done doesn’t work, need to find a whole new direction, but not found;
Sorrow -I don’t want to stand here, but I don’t know where to go (powerlessness);
Shame – guilt, regret, thinking that there is an unfinished part of something complete;
Hate – destruction of self or others, the only emotion that has no value or meaning.
Nowadays, many parents report that they often cannot control their own emotions in the face of their children’s problems. However, parents’ emotions directly affect their children’s emotions and affect their children’s learning outcomes, so how can parents manage their emotions well?
It is well known that Chinese people are relatively high in IQ, but they need a lot of training in emotional intelligence. The ability to manage emotions, also called emotional intelligence, comes partly from genetics and more from acquired training, so parents should not think I was born that way, but should be conscious of how to manage their emotions.
The first step in managing emotions is to be the master of your emotions, to be able to control them, and to learn to live in harmony with them, rather than being a slave to them and being overwhelmed by your negative emotions.
What negative emotions do parents have?
Anxiety
Parents’ anxiety manifests itself as “early fears,” for example, parents are afraid of what if their child can’t keep up? What if they don’t do well in school? The first thing you need to do is to make sure that you have a good understanding of what you are doing. What if they don’t eat well at school? ……
Vanity
Many parents like to compare their children, saying that other people’s children are in early childhood classes, hobby classes, or learning foreign languages, so should my child learn? Parents’ vanity also exists in climbing, others went to Disney, who the teacher praised, the ranking of their child’s class, etc.
Willfulness
The “willfulness” of parents is that sometimes they don’t learn the whole picture, but only acquire some educational ideas and then apply them strictly to their children.
The impatience
is especially evident when the child is “slow”. Parents can be impatient when their children are slow to do their homework, dawdle in their work, or stay in bed.
Complaining
Psychologists have found that when a person is under stress, they tend to complain, especially if they are stressed, and the more stressed a woman is, the more they complain and nag. Complaining makes stress worse and does not reduce it, so parents (especially moms), learn to complain less. Talking more will not solve your child’s shortcomings, but rather improve them through training.
Children in the mood of their parents
Some parents unconsciously treat their children as their own “appendages” and think it’s okay to lose their temper with them. In fact, every word parents say will have more or less influence on their children. The parents’ frequent temper tantrums may cause the child to be easily confused and to develop these symptoms: bedwetting, stuttering, nightmare screaming, tics, etc.
How can parents manage their emotions?
Emotional distraction
Sometimes parents have problems at work or with people and have emotional outbursts during their time with their children, which is typical of taking it out on them. This emotion can be defused by shifting attention. Parents release the bad emotion before going to pick up their child and subjectively change the meaning of the stimulus, thus turning the bad emotion into a positive one.
The exercise method
Psychologists have done experiments with two groups of depressed people, one group taking medication and one group exercising. The exercise group had to exercise for an hour every day, and after three months, it was found that the effect of the medication group was the same as the exercise group; and then continued for two months, and it was found that the effect of the medication group was not as good as that of the exercise group, especially outdoor exercise. This also shows that exercise can be a good way to relieve emotions by making people happy, relaxed and lively.
Environmental shifts (travel)
Why does work require two days off a week, and children have summer and winter vacations at school? This is because a change of environment is good for changing the mood, making people relaxed and more motivated to work and study in the new week/term. Parents can take their children on weekend hikes in the countryside to see the beautiful scenery, or take them on summer and winter trips, and choose the most appropriate environmental shift for their family situation.
Temporary shelving method
When we have a conflict with our child, it is important to take care of temporary shelving, which can avoid the scene of the conflict for a while. When the child calms down a little, the parents can reason with the child. In general, parents do not reason with their children until they are 5 years old, and only say “no” until they are 5 years old.
Deep breathing (muscle relaxation)
For example, meditation, tai chi, and yoga are all exercises in breathing and muscle relaxation. In a temper tantrum, the first thing is disordered breathing and shortness of breath, when we can start with deep breathing. You can also do more of these exercises in general to keep yourself emotionally calm.
Rational thinking method
There are irrational patterns of thinking that lead to irrational emotions, such as negative mindset, excessive blame, excessive expectations, excessive perfection, etc. Parents need to learn to think rationally and self-motivate effectively in the face of difficulty and adversity to get out of bad moods.
A child’s sense of security comes from timely parental care when he is 0-3 years old; at this stage of 3-12 years old, parents’ sense of security for their children is to accompany high-quality companionship. 12 years old and above, a child’s sense of security comes from self-confidence and independence. The more he can face things independently, the stronger his self-confidence is, and the more secure he feels.
Parents manage their own emotions to give their children a relaxed and positive space to grow up in, while also setting a good example for them to follow. Improve yourself, and start now!