Web users confide in me:
We have been married for more than a year, and we often argue over trivial things. I’ve been looking at my husband’s twitter feed and found that every time I’ve had a fight with him, he talks to his first love, his ex-girlfriend. Every time he told that girl the reason and incident of our fight, and then that girl comforted him.
Husband talked to that girl for four or five years before he met me, and they went to middle school together. I’m not sure exactly what happened afterwards.
They have been in contact with each other since the breakup, and sometimes they go through Changsha and occasionally visit him.
My husband and I met six months after they broke up, fell in love, then got married a year and a half later, and have been married for a year and a half now.
But since I met my husband until now, he has never broken contact with his ex-girlfriend, but occasionally when I test my husband, he denies having contact with her. And their conversations are always reminiscing about the old days. What is going on here? What should I do?
Reply:
He still has his ex-girlfriend in his heart now. When they broke up, he still loved her and she didn’t love him anymore, she was very understanding, and your husband is very honest, she found some objective reasons to split, and he didn’t force it. He should be very hurt, six months later, met you, you took the initiative to show good feelings and treat him well.
He keeps in touch with his ex-girlfriend, and he reports to her all the time about your situation. He still loves her in his heart and has a desire to communicate with her. To communicate, you must have a conversation about you and the details of your relationship, which fits the category of a friend, and she has no reason to refuse. In addition, she feels that she did have a responsibility to him by moving on without his knowledge, and has a responsibility to help him cut the ties and start over.
She thought the best thing to do was to get him married as soon as possible so he wouldn’t harass himself so often, so she acted as his marriage counselor and said nothing but good things about you, and a year and a half later he listened to her and married you. You can now recall that in the year and a half of dating you, his enthusiasm was always low, but he was always right about you and always knew what was going on in your mind, and that’s how she was guiding him.
After marriage, you have raised your expectations of him, or rather, you have higher expectations of your life after marriage, and he is still the same, and you feel lost, so you and he often fight about trivial things, and he is willing to fight with you because he has something to talk about with her again.
She had previously thought it would be kind to talk with him until he got married, but now she feels the need to keep talking with him for three reasons: 1, she feels she made him get married and she has an obligation to help him solve his problems; 2, she herself is addicted to talking, just like watching a TV series The first reason is that the company’s relationship is not good anymore, and she has a need to find happiness in memories, so you say “their conversation is always reminiscing about the past”.
The two of them are not going to rekindle, she has long lost her passion for your husband, she likes to be loved by your husband because of her vanity, not because of love. You must not think that your husband will focus all his attention on you being good to you if he doesn’t contact her anymore. If you forcefully stop them from contacting each other now, he will be coldly violent towards you, and he wasn’t married to you in the first place because he loves you.
You want to improve your relationship, I can give you three suggestions: 1, try not to fight with him, so he will not have to talk to her; 2, be able to comfort him, your husband loves to be comforted; 3, have children as soon as possible, so that he can focus on them. Doing these three things, the affection between you will be cultivated and the family will become harmonious.