Marriage is unhappy, when should I get a divorce? This can only be figured out by yourself. “Should I get a divorce?” There is never a standard answer to this question.
Despite the fact that the marriage is not working as well as it should, some people claim that they do not want to divorce. If a person wants to stay within the marriage to achieve a goal, it is more likely that they will not divorce, for example, “I want my children to grow up in an intact family with both parents.” On the other hand, if a person retains the marriage to escape pain or fear, it means that the marriage is not strong and may not last too long, e.g., “I am not getting a divorce because I am afraid I won’t see my children every day.” “After I leave my husband, I will not be able to make ends meet financially.” “There will never be another person who can love me that much.”
And the same pattern holds for why a person wants to divorce – people who consider leaving to achieve a goal are more likely to do so than people who leave to avoid pain or other consequences. Examples of the former are, “I want a richer life and don’t want to be stuck in an unhappy marriage.” The latter example is, “I want to escape the abuse within the divorce.”
It is also interesting to see which spouse’s needs divorce is for. Have you considered how much leaving your spouse will affect each other? You need to weigh that impact against your own needs. Many people have to either cut their own needs and cater to their spouse and children, or consider only their own needs and ignore the potential impact on their spouse and children.
Many people worry about losing custody of their children or losing financial support from their spouse, only to find out that they have long since taken on the responsibility of a marriage to which their spouse not only did not contribute, but instead drew benefits from. As soon as they realize that they have done all they can to save the marriage, they sign the divorce. Giving up the unhealthy marriage relationship was the best decision, and instead of their lives deteriorating after the divorce, it was easier because they no longer had to take on the obligation of caring for their spouse or being angry with them.
It is not advisable to treat relationships hastily after divorce
Consultants divorce The reasons are personality incompatibility, financial disputes, children’s education problems, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship problems, extra-marital affairs, etc. Therefore, he suggests that couples need to communicate seriously and effectively with each other so as to reduce the chances of divorce. Women should not be too strong in expressing their emotions and should not be dead set on not admitting their mistakes, otherwise the constant quarrels will take away their feelings. Divorced women need to accept the truth as soon as possible and learn self-growth and more interpersonal skills by not focusing only on the bad side in their perception. They can find an outlet for their bad feelings by shifting their focus from family to study, work, travel, etc. Those who are fearful of remarriage are appropriate to do marriage counseling and then go on to friendships.
Divorced women are reminded to start new relationships carefully and try to avoid rashly jumping into another relationship immediately after a divorce to get rid of the pain, “It takes time for the post-divorce pain to settle down, or at least to get your mind The divorce pain needs time to settle down, or at least to get your mind back to peace of mind before you can look at things more holistically.”
Divorce is more devastating for women
Experts say The number of marriage counseling calls in the first 2 months of this year increased by 10% year-on-year to more than 1,000 cases, with 63 cases of post-divorce maladjustment counseling, significantly more than last year. Women’s family concept is generally stronger than men’s, after marriage family becomes their important spiritual pillar, once the psychological fluctuations of divorce is greater, so more calls to consult. The consultation found that these divorced women feel that the marriage they worked hard to maintain is still a failure and are depressed for a long time. Generally, they suffer for at least three months after divorce, and in serious cases, up to a year and a half, during which they behave negatively, are reluctant to go out to meet people, cannot sleep at night because of their thoughts, and are confused about their goals in life. Some people lose faith in their marriage and do not remarry for many years after the divorce. More than half of the divorce counselors doubt the meaning of life’s existence and have suicidal ideation, and very few have the possibility of acting out. “It is common for rural women to drink pesticides and commit suicide after divorce because of their lack of economic independence.
Women may go through 3 stages after divorce:
1. The denial phase does not believe or is unwilling to admit the fact that you are divorced in front of and behind people, fearing shame and being talked about and looked down upon by others.
2. A divorced woman’s self-imposed isolation due to emotional frustration: not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to participate in any kind of social activity – seeing others in pairs only adds to her own psychological burden.
3. Depression Marital failure and family breakdown make divorced women pessimistic and disappointed, ashamed of themselves and feeling very depressed and helpless.
What to do if you want to reach out to a familiar person
Divorce or breakup Afterwards, one day you get a whim and want to reconnect with an old flame. Nancy Carisch, a retired professor emeritus of psychology at California State University, Sacramento, has spent 16 years studying men and women trying to rekindle their love, coming up with a series of relationship guidelines.
-Don’t open the door and say you’ve always loved each other and want to renew your love – it will scare the other person away.
-Don’t gossip about the other person’s various personal issues, but let them share them with you at their own pace.
-Don’t blame your spouse.
-Don’t talk badly about the other person’s wife or husband.
-It is not appropriate to call directly for initial contact. Send a letter to the person’s company email address instead of their private email address, or reach out privately through a social networking site.
– If your old flame ignores you after one or two communications back and forth, don’t stalk them. Trust that the old flame will come back, but don’t expect progress anytime soon.
-Don’t keep sending letters if the person doesn’t respond at all. Your old flame may still have feelings for you, but may have instinctively realized that “you can’t do that” in light of your current marriage or relationship, so you just have to let it go. Some people are accused of “stalking” and “harassment” when they fail to contact their old flame – they don’t want to, and you can’t force them to.
These are the best things to do before you divorce
-The first email Be concise. The letter is meant to be fun for the other person to read, and you have to take the time to prepare it and pick the right moment. You just need to write, “Hi, how are you? I’ve thought about you all these years. I’d like to hear how you’ve been doing, if you’d like.” That’s the end of it.
– Talk about the past, those fun times, first, but don’t revisit your relationship back then too early.
-Talk about the years since the separation: your studies and work, marriage and children, interests and hobbies, and if the old flame knew your parents, talk about them too. If you send a letter on a social networking site, the other person may already know about these things, but it’s still not a bad thing to write to an old flame specifically to tell them.
-After communicating several times, explore why you split up back then. Express your apologies appropriately, if needed.
– Control your emotional hang-ups. Be aware that you are connecting with a friend and not blindly dwelling on it.
– Be careful to wait until the person writes back before you write again, so that there is a back-and-forth. You may have the urge to “bombard” each other’s mailboxes one after another, but be sure to wait for the other party’s response. It may be a little hard, but it’s a must.
– Don’t reply within minutes of receiving a reply. An immediate reply puts pressure on the other person – “You need to reply right away too. Not everyone has time to write every day, and the other person will simply withdraw from the relationship once they feel they can’t meet your expectations.
Lastly, we suggest that people who want to rekindle an old love think twice: What do you really want to get out of doing this? Can you cope with the consequences of reconnecting? Should you tell your significant other? It’s best to wait a few days and think it through before deciding whether to act on it.
Whether you’re divorcing or getting back together, think it through. Marriage is not a child’s play, and it’s about more than just two people. In addition to making sure that the feelings are still there, both parties need to make sure that they are willing to bear each other’s burdens.