I’ve seen this question online before: “What have you learned from your parents’ marriage?” The most popular answer I saw at the time was, “Never marry a man like my dad!”
First of all, I have to admit that my parents’ marriage was far from the beautiful words “married,” “in love,” “in love,” and so on. Their marriage is described in more common terms as “living together”, and I’m sure many people can understand what that looks like.
They warned me with a marriage of endless bickering, mutual hurt, and a mess: Never repeat the same mistakes, and be responsible for your own life and your own happiness. At that time, I made up my mind that I would either not get married in the future, and if I did, I would never settle for anything less. I would never live a married life like my parents. This is probably the most important life lesson they ever taught me.
The first thing I learned from my parents’ marriage: choice is more important than effort.
Choose the right person for you, that’s the most important thing. Ill-fitting shoes wear out your feet, and ill-fitting marriages break your heart. Choose the right person and your married life will be a lot easier and easier after you get married. Choose the wrong person, and it’s often very difficult to try to sustain your marriage after you get married by grinding and running.
What is the right kind of person? I think it’s important to find people who are similar to you and to marry like minded people. There is a view in psychology that differences will make people attracted to each other, but similarities will make relationships go on for a long time.
The old saying goes, “Things come in small groups, people come in small groups. There is much less friction when people who are similar get married. The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what you are looking for. I see many couples are a silent, a lively and cheerful, they differ greatly in character, but together or very happy ah!” The difference in personality is actually just the surface, the two people who can get along for a long time, they must have something in common inside. And the similarity is actually the common sense of the three views are the same.
I concluded from observing my parents’ marriage that the root of their conflict was, quite simply, a three-view disagreement. Their life pursuits are too far apart. My dad is very Buddhist, peaceful and happy. He lives like Confucius’ disciple Yan Hui. “Virtuous Hui also, a frying pan, a scoop of water, in a humble alley, people are unbearable its worries, back also does not change its happiness.” It’s okay for him to be a sage himself, but he can’t drag his wife and children along with him to suffer.
My mom is the complete opposite. She has a quest for quality of life, she wants to change her fate through her own efforts, she wants to get out of her life of poverty and live a good life. Neither one of them is right, the fault is that they should not be put together as a pair. It’s like two mismatched gears that have to grind together all day long, grinding to a bloody halt, with both sides suffering.
My mother often says, “From the first day I married your father, I advised him every day to work hard and struggle, but he didn’t listen.” Don’t fantasize about changing a person, the mountains are easy to change, the nature is hard to change. My father is now almost 60, still living a Buddhist attitude, squatting in the corner in the sun is very satisfied.
My parents are both good people, but they are just not happy together. Maybe if they had someone else who was right for them, they would have a much happier life.
When I was looking for someone, I thought well, I want to find someone with the same three views, or at least unified in the general direction. The first thing you need to do to find your own kind is to understand yourself, what you really want, and what kind of life you want in the future. I want to find someone who is kind-hearted and of good character. His spiritual world is rich, and I have a common language. His attitude towards life is not perfunctory and he pursues quality of life. He has the basic self-care ability to clean himself up and live his small life with taste. The key thing is of course that I like him and he likes me.
The second thing I learned from my parents’ marriage: take some time and get along before you get married.
My parents were not in a free love relationship; in their day, many people got married by parental order and matchmaking.
They were introduced to each other, and after a few brief meetings, the handsome man and the beautiful woman, who looked quite good together and did not hate each other, decided to get married.
This is something my mom has told me many times, and she especially regrets it.
If I had been able to get to know the other person’s personality and family, she would never have entered the marriage so hastily.
Now that we have the opportunity to choose freely, we must cherish this opportunity. In order to meet the right person and fall in love, it is important to get to know people better. The most basic must be known about the other person’s character, family conditions, education level, work situation, life plan, attitude towards life, etc. Some information actually do not need to ask, you can observe, such as how the other party’s attitude towards the waiter, how the attitude towards parents, and how the relationship with colleagues and friends around, friends are what quality people. Go observe to observe the environment where TA lives, is it basically clean and tidy?
People are very complicated, and it must take some time to get to know someone. A short period of time to behave well and all kinds of sweet talk may sometimes be just a means to some end. You can take your time to fall in love, and you don’t have to rush into marriage. Rash actions often lead to bad results.
The third thing I learned from my parents’ marriage: there must be love in marriage.
Love is like the lubricant in a marriage, very important. I can’t accept a loveless marriage, because a loving family is what I’m after. ps: love is something that is best cultivated before you get married. I’d like to see the first step in the process.
When you’re in love, you’re in a sweet world of romance and relaxation, and you’re able to keep each other decent. The company’s main goal is to provide a better solution to the problem. These topics are not only heavy, but also dull and boring. If the couple does not have feelings for each other, when faced with these common topics, it is inevitable that arguments will break out, and in the end, it is just a matter of putting the blame on each other, blaming each other, and making life more and more difficult.
With no affection between husband and wife, getting along together, the family atmosphere tends to be depressingly cold, with little communication between family members and distant relationships. Children living in such families tend to feel great pressure as well. Frequent quarrels between husband and wife can cause psychological shadows for the child, and even bring him lifelong damage.
When couples have a relationship, they may have tougher times, but at least they can still give each other a little support and a hug when they are tired. The home should be a place to recharge, to feel comfortable and relaxed, warm and happy at home, not to become a place to wear out your mind.
The fourth thing I learned from my parents’ marriage: stop losing money in time.
My mom is nearing 60, and I was talking to her recently and asked her if she ever wanted to get a divorce. She told me that there was no point in tossing and turning at her age, and she decided to live the rest of her life like this. But she said to me in a serious voice: “If in the future you and your sister can’t live anymore and want to get a divorce, don’t be afraid, your mom will always be your strong backing!”
We have an exceptionally good, close relationship, and my sister and I both love my mom very much. But I always knew that no matter how much love I gave her from my daughter, it could not make up for her emotional absence in intimate relationships. She lacked a soulmate by her side, and she would have been happier with the presence of such a person. The two of them can enjoy a delicious meal together, watch TV and chat, hold hands and take a walk. When she is sick, she can have someone to bring her a cup of hot water and ask for warmth. If they could have such a high quality intimate relationship, how happy we would be as children.
I would like to say to my readers who are still young: If your marriage is killing you, find a way to stop it in time. The first thing you need to do is to find a way to stop your marriage. The company’s main goal is to provide a new start in life, and there is no need to sacrifice the happiness of your life for a failed marriage.
Don’t just go out of your way to compromise, change yourself, and accommodate others. Particularly for women, it is easy to find the cause of problems in themselves and habitually blame themselves for everything. The company’s main goal is to provide a solution to the problem. The first thing you need to do is to make sure that you have a good idea of what you are doing. Many women in painful marital relationships, boiled out of depression. Of course I don’t just advise people to get divorced, because I know that life’s difficult problems will not be solved so easily. I just want to offer a new way of thinking that the new generation doesn’t need to be bound by old ideas anymore.
Marriage is a choice, not a necessary path in life. Ms. Li Yinhe has said, “Singleness will become a popular trend in the future.” For those of you who want to get married, be cautious about marriage. Friends who do not want to get married, free to live the life they want. The wrong marriage, consider ending it and give yourself a chance to start over.
My parents’ marriage was unhappy, and I am no longer able to change it, but I will take responsibility for my own life. I find the true love of my life, two people working together for a better life and moving toward a common goal. A couple that respects each other, encourages each other, and grows together, that’s what I consider a high quality marriage.