Hi, how are you? I don’t know how three years have passed, and I don’t know if you are well now.
It may be a bit sudden to write this letter to you, but there is no overwhelming purpose, I just want to say a few words to you. The fact is that I haven’t thought of you for a long time, but when I was organizing my phone album at night, I found a few photos that I hadn’t deleted, and at that moment it was as if a cold wind blew into my heart, a real but distant tremor, as if sliced by time across my cheeks.
I never seem to have mentioned to you the moment when I realized I was really in love with you.
I remember the fall when we traveled together to Lijiang, Dali and Shangri-La, and I forgot to bring my razor so I was bearded, and you said you would shave me yourself, so you laid me down with a sharp blade in your hand, and then carefully ran the sharp blade between my chin and throat.
It was a feeling of trust mixed with fear. I was afraid the sharp blade would cut my neck, but I exposed my most vulnerable parts to you without reservation, and let you dictate, and I realized that love is so dangerous and yet reassuring.
But the 2,600 kilometers between us made every meeting a difficult appointment, and as much as I tried to feel every day, every hour, and even every moment with you, it still didn’t outweigh the long days and nights when you weren’t around, and most of the year and a half we spent together was spent in the agony of anticipation of the next meeting.
Besides the distance, there was something about my own condition that was again unacceptable to you, so you left me and had other options. I remember when we first broke up, I said a lot of angry things that probably hurt you, and I’m here to sincerely apologize to you, I’m really sorry. I know I caused you a lot of trouble, so you have better options, and I can understand that.
The summer after we broke up, I went on another trip to Dali alone, where everything was no different from when we went together, except that this time, there was no one to walk me around the old city, listen to songs in bars, and sit on the back of an electric car driving around the Erhai Sea. I was lying alone at the inn all night, and my whole heart felt as if it had gone through my body and sunk to the bottom of the sea.
But I’ve never regretted being with you, it was a very good time, and I’ve thought about many future possibilities, but life is like that, not everything has an answer, and not all stories have a happy ending.
Despite deleting almost all of your contact information, I never really hated you. I still occasionally check your tiktok and go to Netflix to see what songs you’ve been listening to lately. In the end, I just hate myself. I know that many times, many things are not at the right time, I did not meet you in the best years, and this is the regret of my life.
Perhaps people are destined to pay for some of the mistakes they made when they were young, and what I’ve paid for is far from over. But the good news is that I’ve entered a new phase, and I’ve chosen to stay in this city alone and continue my long and endless wanderings.
I’ve also experienced some new relationships in the past three years, but all of them ended without a hitch. I look back on everything I’ve been through and suddenly realize there is nothing I can’t let go of. I have never been a bad person, and neither have you, so if I deny myself of the relationships I have had, it is actually the same as denying myself. Perhaps the most important thing for people is to reconcile with themselves. When I put everything in perspective, I realized that I had really grown, and I realized that love is not all there is to life, and that the important thing is how to be open to gains and losses.
Now my life is not easy, and the gray days don’t seem to be over, but I have been quietly moving forward, believing that everything will be okay one day.
Haha, maybe I’m a bit pretentious, thinking about it, I actually finally decided to write a letter to tell you all this in an outdated way, maybe you won’t see it, and even if you see it later, you don’t have to feel embarrassed or even reply to me. I just think there are some things I don’t say now that I won’t remember as time goes on, and I won’t have the chance to express them again.
Anyway, thank you for spending a great time with me, it was an honor and a part of your precious youth, but what’s past is past and what can’t come back is not destined to happen again.
Maybe one day we’ll sit down and talk like good friends again, or maybe we’ll never see each other again in this life, but it doesn’t matter anymore, you’re the summer I’ll always look forward to but never get back.