In the example, we need to pay attention to the wife’s wording, she is all about easing the elder’s emotions. Even if it’s exaggerated, it doesn’t hurt. The most important thing is to give the elderly an attitude that you are arguing about it as a couple and want her understanding. When the wife communicates with the mother, she needs to pay attention to the attitude of the elderly, whether she is angry or in a stable mood. If it is the former, you need the wife to talk to the old man to ease his emotions. When the wife is done communicating, you need to discuss between the couple specific countermeasures, as well as for the characterization of this conflict. The first thing you need to do is to make sure that your mother-in-law’s attitude prevails; the characterization of the conflict will be judged rationally by the event itself.
The characterization of the conflict is to get along in the future, if the mother-in-law is unreasonable, then the son-in-law and mother-in-law need to keep their distance; if it is the son-in-law’s problem, then the son-in-law needs to realize his mistake and correct it in the future.
Couples need to try to take care of the emotions of the elderly when formulating their responses, based on the principle of harmony of the whole extended family. The first thing you need to do is to take care of the elderly, whether they are right or wrong, because they are the elders.
The main considerations (hint: they need to be taken into account) are: a more comfortable environment is good for relieving tensions, and for the elderly, her home is the most comfortable environment; the husband’s uncomfortable emotions need to be dissipated and his mind and body emptied; the wife arranges the gifts and specific wording for the visit, taking into account her mother’s personality and preferences.
Once the couple has agreed on a specific response, they need to apologize at the door, which is good for the harmony of the extended family and for the stability of the marriage.
Apologize as soon as possible to actively resolve the conflict between the two parties
Why do you have to apologize “as soon as possible” when you can do it later? The answer is no!
The “cognitive appraisal theory” proposed by Arnold and Lazarus suggests that emotions are physiological-psychological responses to good or bad information from the ongoing environment, and that they depend on short- or ongoing appraisals.
When conflict arises between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law, the mother-in-law’s emotions will depend on persistence (how long the conflict is maintained) and also involve “affection” and concern for her daughter’s married life.
If the conflict lasts too long, the mother-in-law will be disappointed in her son-in-law, thinking that he doesn’t care about her as an elder. Since the beginning, we have been emphasizing the emotions of the elderly in order to avoid this problem. Therefore, the couple must apologize at the door in a timely manner and resolve the conflict sooner rather than later!
Besides that, when going to the door to apologize, the couple needs to pay attention to the following two aspects:
One of them is the husband’s mentality. The husband’s trip is to admit his mistake and to ease the family relationship, not to theorize right and wrong. The husband needs to adjust his mentality, to tolerate more of his elders’ faults, to try to accommodate their tempers, and to make peace with them. And, one needs to cooperate throughout with the various techniques used in the wife’s reconciliation.
Two, the wife’s reconciliation. The main purpose of the wife’s company is to reconcile. The wife’s main goal is to reconcile the two sides of the conflict and to reconcile her mother and husband. The skill of reconciliation is to neutralize the mother’s opinion of her son-in-law, which requires the wife to go along with her mother’s temper, first criticizing her husband’s faults, then going on to say how guilty he is about it, and finally saying how good he is.
The husband’s good attitude and the wife’s conciliation will work well together to solve the problem and make the old man angry, thus resolving the conflict.