A hundred people have a hundred personalities, but many have the same character flaws. The first thing you need to do is to be a good person. It is true that we are taught from childhood to be a good person, but if you are a person who is good at everything you ask for, then you have probably lost yourself.
Being nice hurts you
This is an analysis of this “friendliness disease” through the story of a close female friend.
Taylor’s friend was all about work, family, and friends, raising two children, taking care of the house, attending PTA meetings, and working part-time as a nurse while caring for her elderly mother. Friends and family loved to turn to her for help with their problems. One niece calls her every day to complain about her husband, claiming that her marriage is at an end, for hours on end, sometimes weeping, sometimes complaining.
On the surface, this friend is seen as the friendliest, most selfless person anyone has ever met. But she confessed to Taylor privately that she was physically and emotionally exhausted. Once she was confronted by a colleague who was complaining about her troubles, she was polite and reassuring, but in reality she was so impatient that “I wanted to tell her to shut up or go away, I wanted to slap her in the face.
Taylor said people are taught from a young age that being nice to people is a good deed. Many women, like her friend, are constantly giving to please, can’t help but agree with each other, meet each other’s demands, and have trouble saying “no” to others.
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Kindness turns out to be a mask
American psychologist Les Babanel argues that being kind to others to the extent of Taylor’s friend is no longer a praiseworthy kindness, but a pathological condition called “caretaker personality disorder. Caretaker personality disorder” or “pleasing disease.
In his book “Unmasking Friendliness,” Barbanell writes, “Extreme selflessness is a character trait used to mask a range of psychological and emotional problems.”
He said there are many such women, and behind their friendliness and selflessness is usually pain, isolation, emptiness, guilt, shame, anger and anxiety. “The problem is that to be a saint can be fatal. When giving becomes the reason for living, that person ceases to be a person.”
Babanel said that most people who are used to pleasing others have a deep-seated fear and anxiety of rejection and hostility, and learn from an early age how to do their best to avoid rejecting others to cause hostility, so they put on a mask of friendliness, thinking only of others and ignoring themselves, and “they want to feel wanted.”
Changing habits to save the self
This over-pleasure of others can come at a high price, such as living in fear of rejection and failure, low self-esteem, loss of self, constant self-blame, insecurity in relationships, inability to make choices, exhaustion in the pursuit of perfection, feeling isolated, etc. .
The head of a couples’ relationship center said, “If someone is too submissive to stand up for themselves and doesn’t have a voice of their own, they are vulnerable to bullying.” Abbs said it takes “painful effort” to change such long-standing behaviors, requiring a greater understanding of one’s fears and concerns. In addition, experts recommend that “good people” try to learn to speak up for themselves and try to say “I want” and “I’ll”.
Finally, remember to respond to the needs of others, but only if you don’t do so against your will. In other words, love your neighbor as you love yourself, but first love yourself.