With the divorce rate now over 50% in our society, it has to be said that many people are making serious mistakes in how they choose their significant other. If you don’t want to be a percentage of the divorce rate, then you should give good consideration to the following ten criteria.
1. You chose the wrong person because you expect Ta to change after marriage.
The most classic mistake of all. Never marry for the “possibility”. The rule is, if you’re not happy with your current Ta, don’t get married. A colleague of mine summed it up philosophically: “You can expect Ta to change after marriage, but in a bad direction, not a good one!”
So for each other’s beliefs, character, personal cleanliness, communication style/skills, and personal habits, it’s best to consider whether you can accept the existing situation and live peacefully with it.
2. You chose the wrong person because you were more interested in the “electric feeling” than the personality.
The “electric feeling” triggers passion, and good character keeps the passion alive. Be careful of the “I’m in love” scenario, because it often actually means “I’m in lust”. You’re attracted to each other, but have you paid close attention to the person’s character?
Here are a few important character criteria:
First, humility. Does the person believe that one should “do the right thing” over personal gain/enjoyment?
Second, kindness. Does this person like to help others, how does he or she treat people who don’t necessarily need to be treated with kindness (e.g., beggars, the elderly, small animals), does he or she do volunteer work, or make charitable donations? Or donate to charity?
Third, responsibility. If Ta has said he will do something, can I really trust Ta to do it?
Fourth, happiness. Is this person enjoying themselves, is Ta enjoying life, is Ta emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be like this person? The first thing you should do is to ask yourself: Do I want to be like this person? Do I want to have children with this person? If I had children, would I want my children to grow up to be like this person?
3. You chose the wrong person because this man doesn’t understand the needs of women.
Men and women each have unique emotional needs, and in fact, men are often the “unenlightened” ones in intimate relationships. A woman’s unique emotional need is to be loved – the “I am the most important person in my husband’s life” emotion. And the husband needs to give his wife a steady, quality attention span.
This tendency is particularly evident in the Jewish approach to intimacy. The husband must meet his wife’s need for intimacy, and she is the one who sets the rules in their intimate behavior. This is because the man is the “target” in this area. A wise woman once pointed out that men only have two gears, ‘on’ or ‘off’, while women are more focused on the sensory process. When a man can shift gears to “process”, he will discover the secret to making his wife happier.
4. You chose the wrong person because you don’t have the same goals and plans for your life.
There are three basic conditions needed to build a stable relationship between two people:
First, mutual attraction and fit.
Second, there are common interests/hobbies.
Third, having the same/similar goals in life.
Before getting married, deeply understand each other’s life goals. After marriage, two people either grow up to be one, or grow up to be separate. In order to avoid “going separate ways,” you need to realize what you’re “living for” while you’re still single, and then find the person who comes to the same conclusion as you did.
This is what “soul mate” really means. A soul mate is a purpose mate – two people who share the same vision of what life is about and what it means, and therefore have the same values, plans, and expectations.
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5. You chose the wrong person because you had intimacy too early.
Having an intimate relationship before considering marriage is a pretty big deal because it often ends a full and honest exploration of important issues prematurely. Physical relationships often block normal thinking, and in the absence of normal thinking, people don’t make good choices.
In general, ‘experiments’ to prove whether two people are physically compatible are unnecessary. As long as you have some common sense and the two people are compatible emotionally and mentally, there is no need for you to worry about whether the bodies will be compatible. In all the surveys that have looked at divorce, sexual discord almost never appears as a major cause of divorce.
6. You chose the wrong person because you didn’t have a deep emotional connection with Ta.
The measure of this one is – do I respect and admire this person?
This question is not the same as – do I think he’s great? A Mercedes will also impress us, but we don’t respect someone just because they drive a Mercedes. Some of the qualities that make a person respectable are creativity, loyalty, perseverance, etc.
Another question is – do I trust this person? Or, is this person emotionally stable? Do I feel safe around Ta?
7. You chose the wrong person because Ta doesn’t provide you with emotional security.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel calm and relaxed around this person? Can I completely relax and be myself in front of Ta? Does this person make me feel good?
If you have a very close friend who makes you feel the above, then make sure you find a partner who makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of any aspect of Ta? You shouldn’t feel that you need to be careful about what you say around each other in case they think of you. If you are afraid to be open and honest with Ta about your opinions and suggestions, then there is a problem in the relationship.
Another element of feeling safe is that you don’t feel like the other person is controlling you. Overly controlling behavior and abuse are often brotherly relationships, and beware of people who are always trying to change you. There is a big difference between controlling and advising – advising is for your own good, while controlling is for Ta’s good.
Advice is generally well-intentioned, “You were a little aggressive yesterday,” or “That’s an offensive thing to say. And control usually comes with a condition, “If you ever talk like that again, I’ll…you,” where the apostrophe can be any verb, like hit or pinch, or dislike or ignore, or condition.
8. You chose the wrong person because you weren’t honest with each other.
Any issues that exist in a relationship between two people should be discussed. While some topics are unpleasant, they are the only measure of how well you can communicate, back off and work together. Difficult times and problems are unavoidable in a lifetime. Before you make a commitment to your marriage, you need to know if the two of you can live with small differences and work together to resolve difficulties.
Don’t be afraid to let each other know “what’s upsetting you” and that’s a measure of your ability to show your soft/vulnerable side to Ta. If you can’t let go of your armor, then it’s impossible for two people to be close.
9. You chose the wrong person because you used a relationship between two people to escape personal problems and life’s upsets.
If you are single and unhappy now, then you are likely to be married and still unhappy. Marriage is not a solution to personal, psychological, etc. or emotional problems. If it has any effect at all, marriage is only likely to magnify existing problems.
If you are unhappy with yourself and your current life, then take responsibility for fixing those problems while you are single. You’ll feel better, and your future significant other will thank you for it.
10. You picked the wrong person because Ta is in a love triangle.
A triangle doesn’t necessarily mean a romantic or marital relationship; the third corner can be anyone or anything that the other person is overly emotionally attached to – for example, someone who can’t be mentally independent from their parents is a good example. Some people’s overly dependent or parasitic third corner may be material or spiritual, such as a job, drugs, the Internet, personal hobbies, pets, sports, or money.
Take a careful look at the triangle between you and your loved one. A person with a third corner often doesn’t have enough emotion to meet your needs. You won’t be the person Ta values most, and that, in turn, is not the basis of a marriage.