Like you, why don’t you like me? Those who have a low opinion of themselves. While most people like people who like themselves, for those who don’t like themselves either, they prefer to get an opinion that agrees with their own. So, compliments are risky and need to be asked with care.
First, let’s ask you to think about a few questions: Do you like the feeling of being despised? Do you feel uncomfortable when receiving praise from others? Does success make you anxious? When choosing a partner, do you prefer someone who constantly dismisses you rather than someone who likes you?
For most people, these are strange questions to ask. The normal answer is no, of course. Who likes to hear bad things about themselves? But that’s not the case. The empirical assumption is that most people like to be liked, but in fact, scientific studies have found that some people need the opposite.
Don’t like compliments, prefer agreement
Bill Swann of the University of Texas at Austin developed the “self-verification theory” (self-verification healinggardenthehehehe). verificationhealinggardenthehealinggardenory, which asserts that once people have ideas about themselves, they try to justify those self-concepts. That is, people not only have a desire to gain the approval of others, but are also concerned about whether others’ evaluations of themselves are consistent with their self-evaluations. For example, those who think highly of themselves are happy to hear praise from others, which is certainly normal.
But do people who don’t like themselves, such as people with low self-esteem or depression, like it when people say nice things about them? The answer is no. Research has found that people who hold negative impressions of themselves, who don’t think they are tall, rich, or handsome, prefer that others look down on them as much as they do themselves. How can this be?
Security is more important than appreciation
Why would someone prefer that others hate them rather than like them? According to self-validation theory, agreement between others’ evaluations and self-evaluations is a confirmation of one’s ability to pre-judge, giving one an increased sense of self-control. Thus, one has the confidence to anticipate how others will treat them, and even if one anticipates that others’ responses may be negative, one has time to prepare for them, so self-validation can give one a sense of security when socializing. How exactly does self-validation work? Researchers have done a lot of experiments while doing a lot of research in real life. In one set of studies, it was found that negative people like it when their friends and partners look down on them (who doesn’t have a few buddies who like to bicker with each other?) In another experiment, researchers used several assessment systems to measure negative people and found that respondents preferred assessment systems that rated them less favorably, even if they thought these systems, which tended to give negative ratings, were more accurate. Do people with low self-esteem prefer negative ratings to gain self-validation, and do those with high self-esteem not need negative comments at all? Actually, not necessarily. Research has found that people seek self-validation not only in general, but also in specific areas. Even those who feel good about themselves in general will seek negative comments to satisfy self-validation in areas they are not good at. In my case, even if I think I’m generally popular, I know I’ll always be bad at something, like dancing. But when the music starts, I can’t help but go to the middle of the dance floor and twist my body in a lumbering manner. If someone says, “You’re a good dancer!” I immediately realize that my relationship with this guy will go down a notch. It’s all about the effects of self-affirmation!
What happens when self-validation is not met?
We have no control over what others say about us. What are the consequences of this? One study found that couples who perceived a large gap between their spouse’s evaluation of themselves and their self-evaluation had higher divorce rates. Another experiment showed that people feel anxiety when confronted with comments that are grossly inconsistent with their sense of self. This anxiety is called disintegrationanxiety, and refers to anxiety that arises from a state of instability in oneself, like a sense that something has gone terribly wrong.
Does anyone really not like to hear good things?
The self-validation theory is not that positive comments are less attractive than negative ones; in fact, it is human nature to like positive comments. However, those who have negative impressions of themselves will compare positive evaluations to their own, and the inconsistency between the two causes them anxiety, which subsequently leads to a preference for negative evaluations. The researchers found that the process of comparing others’ evaluations with self-evaluations is energy-intensive, and if this energy is expended in advance (e.g., memorizing a few lists of GRE words and doing a few high math problems), those who have a negative impression of themselves will like the positive evaluations as much as others.
Compliments are risky, so be careful what you ask for
Research has found that people who have negative attitudes about themselves build a world surrounded by negative messages. Unable to gain confidence from positive comments over time and unable to change their negative perceptions of themselves, they stay mentally depressed and low. So, is there a way to change this?
Although it is the nature of negative people to seek self-validation in negative messages, there are always ways to change a person’s chronically negative attitude. One study found an interesting phenomenon in which researchers asked some participants with low self-esteem to compliment each other, and found that after complimenting others, their own mindsets changed subtly, seemingly improving in their opinion of themselves and being more receptive to compliments from others. Probably because they had lied to others anyway, breaking the moral line, and might as well gladly accept compliments from others. In another experiment, researchers brought in a group of study subjects, including both people who feel good about themselves and people who feel bad about themselves. The researchers gave them ratings of characteristics that most people have, both positive and negative. It was found that after receiving these responses, those participants who had a poor sense of self also improved their self-ratings. These experiments suggest that it is possible to make people with low self-esteem and depression feel better about themselves by some means, but it requires the use of rigorously nuanced language that affirms their personal worth without completely contradicting their self-perceptions.
In general, self-validation theory suggests that everyone wants others to see themselves in the same way as they see themselves. It largely influences the way people socialize, especially for those with lower self-esteem. An understanding of self-validation theory can help us communicate better with people, as well as find appropriate ways to help people with low self-esteem improve their self-confidence.