When you find yourself burning with anger or being the target of someone else’s anger, there are several coping strategies you can use to help reduce the danger as well as deal with the situation in a healthy way.
1. Try to calm down from the inside
When having a difficult conversation, make sure to take deep, even breaths from your diaphragm. Imagine that the breath is coming from the center of your body. Talk to yourself and slowly repeat something like, “Relax and stay calm. You can also close your eyes for a few seconds and imagine a relaxing image, something that calms you or makes you happy. As you talk, slow down, don’t interrupt, and think carefully about what you’re saying.
2. Pull back
If the tension is getting worse, consider stopping the discussion for a moment and coming back to restart it when both parties have calmed down. Over time, you will become more objective and the issues will become clearer in your mind.
3. Choose the right medium to get your message across
When you’re full of anger, it’s easy to send a harshly worded email in anger or rush across a few desks to rebuke them. But it’s best to take a moment to consider what’s best to do first. Bad feelings should not actually be transmitted using email: because what seems reasonable to say in person or over the phone will be very different in an email, and can be misinterpreted. So schedule a time to talk about it, and if possible, do it face-to-face.
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4. Try to think from the other person’s perspective
If you find yourself angry at someone or being the object of their anger, take a moment to think from the other person’s perspective. Everyone has his or her own difficulties and stresses. Maybe the person is dealing with a very tight deadline, has a demanding boss, or has some personal issues going on at home. When you can see the other person as a normal person who is fallible and trying to get through the day as you are, it’s easier to calm down and find common ground to start solving problems.
5. Soften your tone
Listen carefully before responding, and use phrases like “I understand” to show that you are willing to understand their point of view. Don’t use strong tones or insulting remarks, and avoid words like “always” and “never. They can be inaccurate and can weaken your point of view. Another useful technique is the “mirroring technique,” where you repeat someone’s words or phrases as you speak, not to interrupt them, but to show that you are actually listening and understanding them. Finally, don’t take offense at others. Instead of saying “I get really bored when you ……”, say “I feel bad when you …… “.
6. Don’t get angry in your face or fight back
If someone yells at you or threatens you rudely, try to remember that it’s not really directed at you. You are not responsible for the actions of anyone who is not related to you, and you have no control over their actions. You can only control how you react to their behavior. If someone slams you, fighting back will only make things worse. Reacting calmly, or not responding at all, and refusing to “feed” the anger of others can cause it to burn out faster, like a fire that has lost its oxygen.
7. Understand your “anger triggers” and find alternatives
Learn Recognize what makes you angry. It may be people, situations, or tasks that make the blood boil, so find out what the causes are and find replacements to address them. For example, you may find that your daily commute to work makes you depressed and unpleasant at the beginning of the day. Then look for a different solution: find a different route, drive yourself instead of taking public transportation or vice versa. Or you may find yourself turning blue whenever you have to prepare a specific report. Look for different and more efficient ways to get the job done, ask for help or see if someone else is able or better suited to the task.
Finally, find healthy outlets for anger. Try some vigorous exercise, a calming yoga or meditation routine. Give yourself permission to release your depression in a positive way so that it doesn’t build up in your body or explode in a bad way.