Living together makes the relationship skyrocket and soon you realize the attraction is gone.
First his toothbrush shows up in your bathroom, his jeans full of holes before you got used to them, the ding shirts you wore in school and the Nike shoes that have taken over your closet. You say to yourself, “Whatever, the important thing is that we live together now maybe we should get married.
You’re not the only one who thinks this way. 1996 saw the number of unmarried couples living together in the US skyrocket from 523,000 in 1970 to 4 million. In 1995, it was shown that couples who married after cohabiting had a 50% higher divorce rate than those who lived together after they were married.
Does unmarried cohabitation necessarily mean a breakup later? Here’s advice from two women with firsthand experience: one for unmarried cohabitation and one against it. Their advice may be of interest to you.
Living together is like taking a big step on the gas for your relationship – and seeing if the strong acceleration results in good or bad outcomes. Fiction’s decision to live with her longtime boyfriend was the best decision she ever made, because it drove her to leave him. If we hadn’t made the decision to live together, our tedious relationship would still be going slowly. She says that time gave me a chance to see a real person different from the one I was dating – a guy who was just plain mean.
Living together can take your relationship up to fourth gear, in part because it ensures that you get to know each other in a less-than-adorable way. He’ll see the mask you put on your face when you go to bed at night, and you’ll see his blossoming body in the bathroom mirror. Sharing these perhaps somewhat odd secrets may strengthen your relationship, or it may drive you apart.
I know he wouldn’t have bought that cow if he had free milk to drink. But who decided you were for sale? Peng says she likes living with her boyfriend her and has no intention of getting married in the near future. I like the fact that our lives are connected and separate. Peng says, “Maybe someday I’d like to get married, but for now I prefer to be alone.”
Real romance
Chen and her boyfriend didn’t live together until after the wedding, which was so lavish it would have surprised a millionaire. A month later she said they were discussing divorce – a marriage that proved to be nothing like she thought it would be.” The first few weeks weren’t bad at all. It was like playing house, Morning recalls, but soon the novelty wore off and we began to learn what marriage really is – too many annoying chores. Who should be responsible for breaking even? Should we put some of our savings into the stock market? Our romantic relationship was not strong enough to withstand such tough questions.
No sex today – or never again
Even if you can live with his flaws, there’s another downside to living together every day – a dull bedroom life. At first we were always having sex, and Sue and her boyfriend had lived together for a year. Now we lie around watching the 10 p.m. news show. I think to myself as my single friend tells me her anecdotes that we used to do the same thing. We’re an old married couple now – but we’re not married?
It’s nice to find out that we’re not that attracted to each other, but isn’t it better to find that out before we move in together.
The funny thing about money
Many couples get frustrated with money, but at least with the marriage as a prerequisite, the money issue is less complicated. Most couples use a joint account to pay bills reserve insurance money to buy things that you also own together.
And the money issue comes up quickly after cohabitation, because you also approach money issues the way pure roommates do – but you’re not platonic spiritual lovers. Who pays the worker when the toilet is clogged? What if it’s because your hair clogged the pipe? What if his salary goes up does he have to pay more for the room.
This was the problem for Wang and his girlfriend. He got a new job with a higher salary, and it seemed natural to let him pay more for the room. However, the new spending cost him the extra money. They argued almost daily and now, neither wanted to care about anyone.
Unmarried and divorced
It’s always hard to break up a relationship, no matter what it is, but breaking up a relationship with someone you share a room with is a nightmare. When Jade learned that her live-in boyfriend was sleeping with her best friend she was horrified to find out she couldn’t leave because of the rent and a host of other issues. Jade had to live with her boyfriend until the house expired, and they drew a line down the middle of the house, separated by a curtain wall, each living on their side of the house. Jie said, “I’m wasting my youth living with a man who doesn’t want to marry me.”
Signals of cohabitation
Jie’s situation illustrates a common pitfall of cohabitation, let’s call it cohabitation transition. One is content just to live together while the other wants to get married. Cohabitation can be a compromise, but it gets harder and harder. Your boyfriend will feel amazed why a marriage contract is so important to you. And since you’re used to living with him, breaking up seems more difficult than living together. You’re already on the verge of cohabitation, neither able to move forward nor willing to move back.
Mae and her boyfriend are cautious about living together. Marriage didn’t mean much to Mae’s boyfriend. Mae ended up being someone else’s wife, but many people stumble and just keep living together, living on the edge of an uncertain and unhappy cohabitation.
Is it a plaything
In the end the most unsettling element of cohabitation is perhaps the word cohabitation itself. It sounds rambunctiously insecure. Any two people can do this, whether they are college freshmen or prisoners. There’s no emotional attachment, no rituals, no vows – no assurance of being in the same boat in times of adversity.
Mr. Lee is married, but used to live with his ex-girlfriend for five years. He says, “It’s not enough to think your relationship is as strong as a marriage just because your names are on the mailbox together, but when we said our vows at the wedding it blew me away – we were married, and for years I thought a funny piece of paper did mean something. Without it you’re playing house – a brilliant way to bring your relationship to a dead end.”