You must not be one of them – if you are suffering from one of these problems, find a solution, whether it’s going to therapy, solo retreat, or just needing to talk to your partner to assure yourself that you will change.
1. Always wanting to win
I don’t mean the competitive stance that you can’t stand to lose in a tennis match, but your relationship attitude where you see the relationship itself as a competition and want to win.
People who treat a relationship like a competition are always looking for an advantage, to have the upper hand, to have some idea of how to control the other person, and if you feel like you can’t tell the other person something for fear that he/she will use it to attack you, then you are in a competitive relationship – but it won’t last.
2. Mistrust
The first is to be confident enough that the other person won’t cheat or hurt you – and to believe that the other person trusts you that much. The other is to be sure that no matter what you do or say, the other person will never leave you and will love you as much as ever. If one person uses the other’s trust to do something unforgivable, then the second layer of trust is gone, and your relationship is over – even if it’s over a decade long.
3. No communication
One, because they don’t want to say it to break the other person’s heart, and second, because they want to maintain a strong position (cf. point 2; a common situation is: “If you don’t know why I’m mad, then of course I won’t tell you!) This approach may leave the other person in peace in the short term, but in the long term it will gradually erode the foundation of the relationship and make it weaker by the day.
Small conflicts pile up into bigger and bigger problems – because your significant other car is so caught up in the illusion of happiness that he or she ignores the conflicts that cause the problems to pile up. Worse yet, there is a complete lack of awareness that these can be a reason to depress you. Ultimately, the silence reflects a lack of trust – and as I said, a relationship is over.
4. Not listening
It’s a normal situation to want to defend yourself when you hear someone else seemingly accusing you, so we often interrupt to excuse ourselves, or we only care about how to defend ourselves without listening carefully to what’s being said. But the truth is that you should listen carefully to the other person’s conversation, even in the other person’s daily chatter to hear their implied meaning, in order to figure out even his / her own not very clear dreams and desires. If it doesn’t reach that level, at least for the person you love, it’s a problem.
5. Spending without restraint
When you’re single, you can buy whatever you want at any moment without thinking about what the future holds. It’s not wise, but it’s only you who suffers the consequences. When you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, this is not a realistic way to spend your money. Your spouse – and your children (if you have or plan to have children) – will suffer the negative consequences of your reckless spending. So you’re better off developing good spending habits, focusing on everyday expenses, and then talking to each other about how best to spend that money if you have a balance.
There are more and more cases where spending issues are causing conflict in relationships. This is because more and more people are choosing to keep their finances separate even after marriage. There is nothing wrong with this arrangement in itself, but contrary to what one might think, financial independence requires more communication and involvement from both parties. If you think it’s your money that you’re spending and no one else has the right to interfere, then your relationship is doomed to fail.
6. Fear of breakup
If you’re worried, it means your relationship is in crisis. But usually the problem stems from that very worry itself. Because not only does it indicate that you can’t please your distrust of the other person, it also shows that you have little confidence in yourself – you’re worried that you’re not good enough and that no one really has a reason to want to be with you. Sooner or later, your spouse will wake up and leave you.
So you spend more energy maintaining the surface glitz and glamour of the relationship than you do shaping your inner world and making yourself confident. If I may say so, this will not only not satisfy you, it will not please your lover either.
7. Too dependent
If you’re dependent on your spouse – that is, you can’t live without him/her at all – you’re crossing the line. Your partner is now under pressure to take care of you in every way and that pressure can make him resentful. If you always expect the other person to maintain the relationship and do nothing yourself-and I’m talking about financial and emotional support-then you’re in trouble. Note: I don’t mean you need to contribute equally to living expenses – I mean if you can’t contribute to living expenses and nothing else. Then the relationship is dysfunctional, and it certainly won’t end well.
8. Expect to be happy
This is an unrealistic expectation for either yourself or for both parties – no one can make you happy but you – but make it a relationship expectation. But it’s unrealistic to expect it as a relationship between the sexes. There is more to being together than being happy, and many times you won’t feel happy or even deserve to feel happy. When you feel lost, miserable, depressed or sad, it’s even more important to have someone to lean on than to be happy all the time. If you expect the other person to make you happy – or worse, you feel frustrated because you can’t make them happy – then your relationship can’t afford to be frustrated.
9. Never argue
To some extent, arguing can resolve trivial things to prevent them from integrating into larger problems. But again, venting anger in an argument is a very normal part of the human emotional makeup. Your relationship must be strong enough to embrace the real you and not just the good side of you.
One of the reasons couples don’t argue is that they are afraid of conflict – which reflects a lack of mutual trust and fear. This is bad. Another reason is that they see anger as unreasonable and futile. They see arguments as a sign of a breakup rather than an extremely natural part of the development of a gender relationship. When an argument upsets both parties, it makes both say things that surprise them – which prevents them from tolerating each other to the point of breaking out into irreparable fights.
10. Think easy/think too hard
There are two attitudes toward relationships that I’ve heard of that are very problematic. One is the idea that relationships should be easy, and that if you really love someone and intend to spend your life with them, it will naturally work out. The other attitude is that getting along is a hassle – and it’s because it’s a hassle that you have to work to get it.
Both of these views cause you to not bother with the relationship. You don’t put in the effort because you think it should be watered down so you don’t need to work at it, or you think it’s a hassle in and of itself, and if you do, it won’t get any easier because of it. In two attitudes, you will soon be exhausted – one because the problems you ignore at the moment simply do not resolve themselves as you expect, and the other is that the problems you keep creating make you overwhelmed. Relationships that take too much thought may suffer from these attitudes, but relationships that don’t take a little thought aren’t much better.