Bi Shumin said that an affair is a psychological disease, related to personality; a genetic disease, related to family; a contagious disease, related to society. Indeed, extramarital affairs are like a plague hovering outside the home, and even the screenwriter, who is well versed in emotions, is not spared. The writer, who is known for her insight into human nature, had to publicly declare war on tiktok to save her marriage; the tiktok scolding war between Huang Yi and Huo Siyan, which was a sensation, has not really come to an end yet; the third-party interventions that led to homicides, suicides, suicides, and social conflicts.
The news of the third party’s involvement has led to an endless stream of homicides, suicides and pseudo-suicides.
More importantly, “extramarital affairs” are not just the entertainment version of the gossip, they can be all around us.
A recent U.S. survey found that nearly 80% of couples will experience infidelity from their spouse, and only 35% of those couples will stay together after an affair. What about China? Today, the divorce rate in the U.S. is nearly 50%, while China’s rate reaches 30% or more in some major cities.
It’s often a tangled, exhausting and bruising battle. Because the opponent is the person you once thought loved you most.
When you expose your softest belly to the other person, they turn from the “giver” to the “taker”; and when we hurt each other deeply, we find we are so in love.
Why is marriage so unbearable: so many years of suffering and suffering together to accumulate feelings, but can not compare to a chance encounter with a young girl less than a month? Women are getting old and dying, and the “end” is coming – just because a crop of young girls will come after them to hit your family? Why do some people who cheat want to stop but can’t? The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what you’re doing.
Sex: just the lower half of your body?
Sex is the best placebo to escape from inner conflict. When we have sex, our bodies produce large amounts of natural analgesics, which make us feel happy and forget all our troubles. Psychologist Dr. Fisher found that when people are in passion and in fidelity they experience two different feelings, the former (emotional hormones) is a “phenylethylamine” and “dopamine” substances fill the human brain, in the eyes of scientists, these two substances add up to love. The former (emotional hormone) is a substance of “phenylethylamine” and “dopamine” that fills the human brain, and in the eyes of scientists, these two substances add up to love; but when you enter into “dependent love”, “posterior lobe pressor” (dependent hormone) and “posterior lobe oxytocin” begin to become the master of the brain, pleasure rather than stimulation Love begins to spread between man and woman – the main link between men and women is the “companionship” emotion. Emotional hormones are valid for three years, whereas attachment hormones are valid for a lifetime.
Scientists believe that which hormone we take to reduce stress in the face of stress – the mood hormone or the attachment hormone – determines the direction of our intimate relationships.
In her counseling practice, Dr. Bonnie Wey found that when she explored further with men and women who were cheating, she discovered that there were very different needs behind the same “sexual pleasure.
Zhang Yuan and his wife have been in a “sexless marriage” for many years, and when his friends saw him with those sexy women, they thought he was degrading himself. The company’s main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers. If you see all his caring behavior towards his wife, it will be difficult to understand that he will betray his wife, he even in front of his wife “weak”, but in front of other women “vibrant”. “I have two types of women in mind, one is a saint, one is a slut.” The former makes him feel safe, the latter makes him feel free. But at the same time he feels the sin of the latter when he’s at home, and the anger at the former when he’s with the latter.
For many people, sex is just a front, behind which are all sorts of fractured, unintegrated needs. When Zhang Yuan talked in the counseling room about his life as a child, after his parents divorced, he cried bitterly. Perhaps since then, he has had an inexplicable fear of marriage and intimacy.
Many of those who dwell on extramarital relationships share this trait: they are afraid of the depth of intimacy and have replaced it with the breadth of intimacy, trying to replace “quality” with “quantity” and “fragmentation. This attempt to replace “quality” with “quantity” and “integrated love” with fragmented “puzzle love” often leads to greater conflict.
Change: The things my mom and dad didn’t teach me
Jen feels that going back to China was the biggest mistake she ever made. She and her husband were living a regular and happy middle-class life in the United States, so why did she “get carried away” and go back to China to start her own business? Once they returned to China, they were strangled by this steaming machine, and their marriage was slowly becoming full of holes, unable to mend. When she fell into the arms of another man, she knew that the 10-year marriage was over.
“I lived in a small town as a child and then went to live in a small town in the U.S. after I graduated from college, and my life was more ‘traditional-style’ until I returned home, and I was a little overwhelmed to come back to China now.” When Jen says China, she means life in the big city, but her familiar hometown is still “traditional”. In her hometown, almost half of the town is connected, and if something happens to one person, the whole town knows about it. Her parents did not have a harmonious relationship, but her mother earned her place in her father’s family by working day and night. The father had some scandals in his early years, but the family did not agree, and collectively went to the father to reason with him, and he compromised.
In the United States, she goes to church with her husband, meets regularly with friends, and lives a quiet, regular life. There is a dark order that makes her feel grounded, though not as close as the people back home. But once she arrived in Beijing, she found herself in the midst of a frenzy of speed. They had no real friends in the large city, and it was no longer the couple who spent time together, but their respective colleagues. “After having children, he became more like a background to the family. We rarely even get to see each other when we’re awake. He comes back when I go to bed, and is still asleep when I leave.”
Sometimes Jen even envies her mother – at least she has a “community” to talk to and help her, whereas she feels so isolated living in such a lively city. In her most critical moments, it was Jen’s online friends and counselors who helped her, including a “third party” she met online. “It’s hard for me to live like my mother did. Times are different. My income is even higher than my husband’s, so why should I submit to him?” Jane said.
Our situation today is complex and fluid. Geographical, professional, and economic conditions …… people move frequently in big cities, and people returning from abroad bring a new and completely different world view in which people change.
Today, the vast majority of people agree that “love is the basis of marriage,” yet “the Chinese experience of love-based marriage is only a few decades old.” Psychologist Han Yan said. “The model of the parents is only strictly defined by the obligations of the couple, they did not think about how love should be maintained and developed, and did not teach us how to build a relationship under the conditions of no restrictions. If we don’t have an understanding of love and are not prepared to deal with the complexities of modern society, we will encounter many problems.”
So what to do? Han Yan believes that the “conscious love” that the West has come to advocate and generally recognize after the phase of sexual liberation and the pursuit of romantic love may be the way out. “In the happiest marriages, husbands and wives have a strong consensus, they support each other’s hopes and ambitions and make this a goal of their life together, they recognize and understand each other and are proud of each other.” But Han Yan adds, “Realistically, conscious love requires many conditions, such as a relatively independent self (including economic independence) and the courage to imagine love and pursue it – for some traditional women, they are afraid to even imagine love because there are no role models around them. Some young girls dare to imagine and pursue love, but many of them don’t quite understand love yet. We have to dare to imagine love so that we can pursue it and know how to try to have it.”