Want to make love come a little harder? Two tips to overcome intimacy phobia easily.
Psychological card: intimacy phobia
“Intimacy” is not simply about love or heterosexuality, but about friendship and social relationships of all kinds. The main manifestation of “intimacy phobia” is a tendency to keep your distance, to refuse to be overly close, and to have difficulty fitting into a circle.
The heart-to-heart intimacy between lovers is definitely more difficult and complex than the love songs make it out to be. Martha? Baker has a few thoughtful suggestions to help you with this dilemma.
Psychologists tell us that humans are born afraid of two things. The first is a lot of noise. Do you know the second one?
The vast majority of people guess “abandonment” or “hunger,” but in fact, the fear people are born with is much simpler than that: “falling. If everyone had a long list of “my greatest fears”, “falling” would be on it. You know, from the moment you fall into the ground, the fear of falling becomes a subconscious instinct of a person. Maybe that’s why most of us, at least some of the time (maybe some of us most of the time), have a fear of another primal experience: intimacy.
The psychological experience of allowing yourself to be emotionally close to another person is similar to falling off a cliff, hence the term: falling in love.
Love has endless variations, each of which can suddenly make the floor beneath your feet disappear at some point. You place yourself safely in a relationship, live carefully, even your hair is always neatly combed. Then, BOOM! The song rings in your ears and the melody sings right into your soul. Or when you wake up, still sleepy from jet lag, and find yourself in a city you’ve never been to before, but it feels like you’re home. Suddenly – though it’s too late – you realize that your heart feels like a window to the sky has opened and you shudder and fall into a deep, sweet bottomless pit, thinking, “Oh my God, this feels so good! Oh God, this is awesome!”
The next time this happens you can rest assured that science has an explanation for it: the feelings you’re experiencing are probably related to a decrease in the activity of something in your brain that is playing a role in governing where your body is in the physical world. When the activity in that area of the brain decreases and becomes quiet, the line between “self” and “not-self” disappears.
We have always cared about other people’s stories, from Othello to Huckleberry. From The Adventures of Othello to The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to Grey’s Anatomy, the protagonists of these stories have encountered various versions of intimacy that they can’t escape and can’t handle.
These stories tell us why people fear but crave intimacy, and why our approach to it is often the wrong one. There are two very common, but very bad, ways to do this, and here are some warnings:
One of the bad ways: guarding your heart
There is this old legend about a giant who locked his heart in layers of metal boxes and then buried those boxes. In this way, his enemies could never kill him, whether they stabbed him through the chest or shot at him. Of course, the giant loses the same benefits of having a heart, like happiness.
The giant sat still and enjoyed the play he had directed, until finally, overwhelmed with pain and suffering, he ripped out his own heart and pierced it with his own hands. This terrible parable reminds us that refusing to love is emotional suicide. Despite this, there are still many people who, like the giant in the story, guard their hearts to the death and refuse to be intimate.
“I’m not cute at all” is a box that locks the heart. And “no one wants to know me” is another box.
There’s also “I should think this way” or “I have to play by the rules” and so on. Whatever little coffin you’ve prepared for your heart, beware, it’s destroying your happiness, so don’t keep it.
Bad way #2: Control the person you love
“If you don’t love me, I’ll kill myself. If you stop loving me, I’ll kill you.” Some women believe this is the way to express true intimacy.
In fact, these are weapons of “control” that can destroy relationships faster than you can give them orders. Although few people get caught up in this insane desire to control, we use a lot of tautology.
We’ll say, “Sure, if you want.” The tone that implies “I’ll …… if you do” also creates the discomfort of being in control.
No one wants to be controlled, and if you really love him, never try to control him.
One way that works: love with all your heart
In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas? Adams reveals a secret about flying:
“What you have to do is really very simple: if you start to miss the ground, just put your full weight down and willingly accept the pain that’s coming.
The vast majority of people miss the ground when they’re falling, but if it’s done the right way, maybe the whole missing the ground thing will become less easy.” This is really the best advice we know for overcoming intimacy fears. Avoidance and control won’t stop your heart from falling, or get cushioned.
Why not try going all in and being willing to accept the fact that love might be hurting you? Remember: “Go all in and don’t mind” doesn’t really mean you don’t mind. You do mind the risks that come with intimacy – just anticipate them. By all means, let yourself go and love for once.
How do you do that? It’s simple. Be aware of all your feelings. Express your feelings, write them down in a journal, talk to your best friend, talk to a therapist or even a cab driver. Experience what it feels like when your love, desire and passion come out to the fullest. Don’t shrink away from the person or thing you adore.
Effective method #2: Shouting
Writer McCurdy? Bittle attempted a sky dive and was almost scared out of her mind. Another skydiver told her, “The moment you reach the hatch and jump out, yell “Woo-hoo”! The next thing you know, you won’t feel too bad.”
This chant applies equally to both emotional and physical falls. When fear comes, if you want to take control or cover it up, then shout “Woo-hoo. In fact, if you can’t identify when solid ground will appear beneath your feet – and it probably never will – then your commitment will turn the fall into a flight.
What’s really scaring people right now isn’t the crash, it’s the landing. But that panic is slowly dissipating, as many people have realized that for those who embrace “intimacy,” there are only two possibilities for landing, and each is so beautiful.
The first possibility is that the person you love loves you back. Then you don’t need to land, you will fall deeper into intimacy together.
The other possibility is that you go all in, yell “Woo-hoo,” and fall to the ground. Does it hurt? Hard to describe. But if you still refuse to bury your heart in the dirt, or find someone else to fix it, you’ll do wonders. ,
A Jewish man told a story. Someone asked his rabbi, “Why did God write the commandments on our hearts and not in our hearts? It’s my heart that needs God.” The rabbi replied, “God would never impose anything on the heart of man. He writes the commandments on our hearts so that when our hearts are broken, God can get in.”
If you willingly fall into an intimate affair without resistance, ignoring the little warnings of your heart, then either you are falling in love – wonderfully – or love is about to come over you.
Do your best to love, and you will forget the fear of falling. You will stop missing the ground so much and be honest even when your heart is broken, so that love will help you get all the pieces of your heart back.
The next time you find the ground beneath you disappearing and you start to get dizzy again, even though you’ve been telling yourself to get out of the way and hold on, you’ll hear your deepest instincts saying, “Falling! Falling!”