It really wasn’t easy to make the decision that I made today. After all, it’s been two years since I came and everything is just settling in. Coming back to China is actually starting from scratch. But after all, it’s where we’ve lived for decades, so even starting over again would be easier than here, right? What’s more, this time I’m going back for my husband and family!
I actually didn’t want to come when I first started the immigration process because his English is very bad, almost zero in speaking except for some basic words. But I was so determined to submit the application.
At that time, I thought I should come over for the sake of my daughter. People say it’s good to be abroad and have the conditions to come out, so why not try?
I think it’s a good idea to have a change of scenery.
In retrospect, he really had his reasons for not wanting to come over, and as it is now, he’s not having a happy life, so going back to China is still the best option for Yi.
Before I left China, I was the sales manager of a large company in China, in charge of the whole South China region, and my career was booming.
I was working in a state-owned enterprise, earning a small salary, but the work was easy.
At that time, the family had all the arrangements made by him, and the family hired a diligent nanny, so I hardly had to do anything around the house, and I had a good time.
Without the burden of household chores, there didn’t seem to be too much conflict between the two of us, at most, I was a little bit angry when he came back late from a dinner party. The company’s main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers.
But everything has quietly changed since we landed in Canada. When we first arrived in Toronto, it was winter, and our family lived in the suburbs, and the Chinese supermarket was very far away. Once we settled in, the problem of eating needed to be solved immediately.
When I habitually wanted Yi to get something and he was a little hesitant, saying he was afraid he wouldn’t know how to talk, I suddenly realized that I had become the backbone of the family.
In the following days, I took him and my daughter and ran around, finally getting everything done that needed to be done up front. As the number of outings increased, I found that Yi’s words became fewer and fewer, because whether it was to my daughter’s school or to a government department, he could only follow me in silence.
I obviously felt his depression, but I was naive enough to think that once he went to LINC to study, his English would soon improve and his mood would be better.
But it wasn’t what I thought it would be. Yi stayed at LINC for only a week and never wanted to go back. He said he was embarrassed to sit in a classroom like that and learn the most basic words from the teacher, and he would rather go out to work.
Because of his poor English, he had to work as a porter.
I think it’s a good idea to have a job in a Western factory, and the work is not very tiring.
I would have preferred him to learn English, but when I saw that he didn’t want to, I didn’t force him.
I soon went to a training school to further my professional course and was lucky enough to get an internship and then a pass from the internship.
Everything seemed to be going according to my plan. Although it was hard to transfer several times a day to get to work, I didn’t feel too lost with my job. I’m not sure how much I’m missing out on.
But I often see a forlorn look in Yi’s eyes, and I know that he’s not happy, he just doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s hard to think about it. The difference in life is just too great.
I felt an invisible pressure in his slightly frowning brow, and I even felt guilty when I saw him in the courtyard looking at the moon in the sky and smoking one cigarette after another!
I know that he misses his life at home, misses the fighting, spirited man he was at home.
I know he misses his life at home, the one that was full of energy and vigor. I wish he could learn English well, find another opportunity to go to school, slowly find a good job, stabilize, and live happily ever after.
But the reality is not that simple, and I have to admit how difficult it is to get 40-year-old Yi to go back to school from scratch.
Growingly, I complained more and more about his lack of motivation and how I didn’t want him to just do a lifetime of hard work.
One day, when he was angry, he turned red and shouted at me, “Go back! I don’t want to stay in this hellhole! If you want to stay, stay here by yourself!”
I felt aggrieved that my good intentions were misunderstood, and that I didn’t want the family to have a better life in the future. I even think he no longer loves my daughter and I. We love this place so much, and for our sake, can’t he just be accommodating?
In fact, now that I think back, Yi had his difficulties, but when I was in the heat of the moment, I simply couldn’t think rationally.
I think it’s a good idea to have a good time.
We were hurting each other more, and worse, we couldn’t avoid our young daughter, and the damage we were doing to her was too much for me to bear.
Love was so far out of our lives at that point that I even wondered if the loving and beautiful life we used to have ever existed. I’m not going to go into the details here, it’s a cruel thing to reveal the wounds.
Anyway, we separated.
I think it’s a good idea to go back to my country after the divorce is finalized with me, according to Yi. He said he still loved me and my daughter, but he couldn’t lose himself.
He said that as a husband and father, if he couldn’t find his place here, he simply couldn’t give us a happy life. During that time, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing when I thought of Yi and my daughter at work.
I was often in the bathroom for ten minutes or so, and I began to think seriously about my purpose for going abroad. When I went to pick up my daughter every afternoon after work and came home together, Yi’s tall figure was no longer hanging out in the kitchen, and a great sense of despondency ate away at me!
And every weekend, when we took our daughter out to play together as we had agreed, and saw her swooping over to him like a bird chirping “Daddy,” I knew that I was still deeply in love with him. The company’s main goal is to provide a platform for the development of a new generation of companies that will be able to provide the best possible service to their customers.
I started to rethink my future, and I seriously asked myself what was most important to me. And just then, he was in a car accident. When I got the call and rushed to his place with my daughter, the wound on his arm was already bandaged.
He pulled a smile from his lips and said to me, “I almost didn’t get to see you two.” Tears moistened my eyes. At that moment, I finally knew that I was that scared of losing him! I said to him, “Let’s go home!
With the sound of my daughter’s laughter, we lived together again as a family. I felt more caved in than ever before. I finally knew that what I wanted was just this simple life.
After much deliberation, I finally decided to return home with him. I knew that this was the place where he could show off his skills. I think love, in fact, means a certain degree of accommodation, at least for me!
Seriously, I love Toronto, the simplicity of life and the purity of the natural environment, and in July, we’re going back home.
This time, I don’t know how soon I’ll be back. I think I will come back for my daughter’s sake. But we have three years to think about it, and that’s okay. We’ve already hurt each other once, and I don’t want to have any more unpleasant shadows in my life.