When you meet your significant other, how do you fall in love quickly? How can you be passionate like fire?
1. Passion
Research by psychologist Arthur Aron of Stony Brook University and others has shown that people are more likely to make emotional connections during moments of passion such as sports, adventure, or being in danger. If you don’t believe me, try a roller coaster.
2. Proximity and familiarity
Stanford University social psychologists Leon Festinger and Robert Zajonc, among others, have shown that even just being around someone can help create positive feelings. When two people consciously and discreetly allow each other into their personal space, feelings of intimacy can increase quickly.
3. Similarity
While distance creates beauty, research by behavioral economist Dan Ariely of Duke University and MIT, among others, shows that people generally prefer to be paired with people who are similar to themselves in terms of intelligence, background, and attractiveness levels. Some studies even suggest that closeness can only be enhanced by emulating others.
4. Humor
A 1986 study by marriage counselors and researchers Janet and Robert Lauer showed that happy, long-lasting partners often make each other laugh a lot. Other studies have similarly shown that women prefer men who make them laugh – probably because we feel lighter when we’re laughing. Those who can tell jokes might want to give it a try?
5. Novelty
Psychologists Greg Strong and Aron at Florida State University, among others, say people are more likely to become close when they try something new. The novelty makes that closeness stronger and puts people at ease.
6. Dismantle mental defenses
Countless relationships can start with a glass of wine. Mental defenses prevent us from taking off our personality masks, so disarming them, like drinking, can really help people make emotional connections. However, getting drunk can be disorienting and physically debilitating. Is there a good alternative to alcohol? Try the “one in two” exercise.
7. Kindness, tolerance and forgiveness
Studies show that we are more inclined to bond with people who are kind, subtle, and considerate. Thoughtfully and consciously giving up vices like drinking and smoking for the other person’s needs can quickly inspire feelings of love. Forgiveness often leads to mutual release, because when one person begs for forgiveness, the other can’t help but forgive.
8. Physical touch
The simplest touch can create warm and positive feelings, and a touch on the back (a bear hug) can create even more peculiar sensations. Even just getting as close to someone as possible without actually touching them can have an effect. Research by Susan Spircher, a social psychologist at Illinois State University, has shown that sexual contact also makes people feel closer emotionally than they otherwise would, especially for women.
But it’s also dangerous: It’s easy to confuse feelings of love with sexual attraction. You can’t fall in love with someone without knowing them, and physical attraction prevents people from getting to know the more important qualities of their partner.
9. Self-expression
Studies by Wren and Spircher and others have shown that people are more likely to make emotional connections when they share secrets with each other. Again, the point is to give yourself permission to disarm your heart.
10. Commitment
Americans may seem less adept at delivering on the commitments in our relationships, but research by Purdue University psychologist Ximena Arriaga shows that commitment is a key element in building love relationships. For the same behavior in a partner, less committed people will see it more negatively, and over time, it can end up being fatal.
Covenant marriage – currently legal only in Arizona, Arkansas and Louisiana, USA – is a new model of marriage (evolving from the evangelical Christian movement) that involves a very strong commitment: couples agree to premarital negotiation and a limited right to divorce. Covenant marriages are easily discarded in the United States, even without specific legal reasons (so-called divorce without accountability is one such reason).
These results conflict with U.S. research on only one point: some of the 30 people who took the survey said their love began to grow only after they had children with their partners. U.S. studies typically find that parenthood is a threat to experiencing love in marriage, but it’s also possible that such predisposing outcomes stemming from stereotypes and unrealistic expectations drag our love relationships down. The stress of raising children likely shatters these expectations and ultimately our positive feelings about each other.