Everyone says that people who really love each other don’t count, but why is it that in our day and age, money is the cause of a third of all couple breakups.
Mistake #1: Never talking about it
“Shaq and I have lived together for six months and money is a taboo subject for us. We each buy our own stuff, and when we go shopping and eat together, whoever pulls out their wallet first pays the bill …… We live in a house that his parents own, so there’s no question of rent. I think that’s great, talking about money is the same as polluting our love.” —Sona, 26 years old
Why is this wrong? Once the hot period is over, couples inevitably encounter realities, and that’s when the math starts to come together in their minds. If one partner often forgets to pay the bill, the other either reminds him or puts up with it in silence, but eventually the day will come when an argument is inevitable.
The best solution: talk explicitly about money problems before they start to plague daily life, and clarify how each person will pay for each expense. To avoid a situation where one partner thinks he or she is paying more, the two people set up a joint account and use the money in that account to pay for everyday expenses. Start by sitting down together to figure out roughly how much it will cost to live each month, and just keep that number in the joint account.
Mistake 2: Different incomes but AA
“Bai Feng and I have been living together for more than two years. We are both young people with a modern mindset and have been clear about AA from the first day of our relationship. Our incomes are almost three times different, but the principle of AA was set at the very beginning. I knew he had saved some money, but I had almost no savings.” —Mei Mae, 25 years old
Why is this wrong? Because even the fair principle of AA is becoming harder and harder to live with for the one who earns less. The result is a build-up of resentment in the mind.
The best solution: between couples with income disparities, the best solution is to determine the proportion of daily expenses to be covered in proportion to income, so that each person can save some money to buy things they like and also buy gifts for the other person without stigma. Undoubtedly, this is the fairest principle.
Mistake #3: One person is responsible for paying the mortgage while the other covers the daily expenses
“A year ago, my boyfriend picked out a house and took out a bank loan. Now we live together in this apartment, he is responsible for paying off the bank loan and I cover daily expenses.” —Fifi, 30
Why is this wrong? Not being financially involved in a major investment decision for two people is sure to bring regrets later. As Faye says, “We shouldn’t have done this, and now I’m getting squirmy and I feel like the house doesn’t belong to me.” She feels the injustice of being dependent on the other person when it comes to the house, and the emotions and consequences of this are a very serious time bomb for the couple.
The best solution: Young people under 30 are often hesitant about investing together because they are still unsure about their future. But psychologists say that if two people want to invest together, a house is the best option: living together in a house where each has rights brings a sense of spiritual equality.
Mistake 4: I manage two people’s money alone
“I grew up being good at managing my own pocket money, and as for my boyfriend, he has no idea about money management. After we lived together, all of our income was naturally at my disposal. Of course, when it comes to major expenses, I ask for his advice. I set a monthly allowance for him, but I can’t help but comment on the way he spends his money, which he sometimes gets upset about, but hasn’t been strongly opposed to. In fact, I think the situation works well for him, and I like the feeling of controlling money.” —Yelee, 33
Why is this wrong? Because management of money can become an entitlement. Psychologists tell us that if one partner has absolute control in a love relationship, it can create an imbalance in the relationship in the long run.
The best solution: women are more attentive and better managers, and most of them feel responsible for their family’s financial situation. One person manages two people’s money, so why not? But only if they respect each other’s freedom to be non-judgmental; after all, everyone’s values are more or less the same.
Mistake #5: I cover all the expenses alone
“Earning money is my strength, and my boyfriend is much worse at it than I am. It wasn’t an issue in the early days of our love, and I loved him enough not to care about his financial situation. He is a confident optimist and his financial predicament has not made him lose his manly dignity and arrogance, and I love him for that, but it’s hard for me to cover the expenses of two people by myself.” —Ruo Ping, 29 years old
Why is this wrong? If the financial stress is borne alone for a long time, it will make one partner psychologically heavy, very unhappy, anxious and cranky, and he will feel very unfair in the face of the other partner’s carefree life.
The best solution: Money worries should be shared between two people, even if you think you are superior to him in this regard. You can say to the other party, “What’s your opinion?” “Help me solve this problem together.” A sense of participation is very important in love. When two people figure it out together, not only will they find a better solution, they will also find mental balance.
Mistake 6: I lend him money
“I thought it was perfectly normal when my boyfriend first asked me for money. I didn’t hesitate to lend it to him. But the bad situation continued, and sometimes I had to lend him money to pay his cell phone bill!” —Lorraine, 27 years old
Why is this wrong? Things are unclear at the beginning. The other party promises you that he will pay you back, but you don’t know either when or how he will pay, and this hidden mistrust creates stress between the couple. The fact that one partner continually acts as a firefighter, always ready to relieve the other, may be considered a sign of love, but it actually exacerbates the inequality and dependency between the two, which is very harmful to love.
The best solution: Between lovers who trust each other, it is normal to help each other, but it is important to maintain transparency. It’s good to ask questions like, “Do you think you’ll be able to pay me back?” “Do you think the money doesn’t need to be repaid?” Psychologists say don’t ask to borrow money from a lover unless you’re sure you can pay it back.
Mistake #7: Couples who are short of money don’t do well
“My boyfriend has been in financial trouble for the past year, and at first I helped him out, but slowly I saw it as a heavy burden. We kept talking about money, how to earn it, how to save it, and also started accusing each other of being too wasteful …… Eventually our love came to an end. But I always believed that if we didn’t have the problem of lack of money, we would have gotten along happily.” —Fenje, 30 years old
Why is this wrong? Money issues are a huge factor in unloading relationships, and it’s like a mask that hides the deepest crisis. Half of all couples have a big fight over money issues when they divorce. There is no denying that we are all selfish and sharing and selfless assistance is not our creed. It’s easiest to talk about money when two people are in a relationship crisis, when the problem is much more complex than that. As psychologists say, money is like a place where suspicion gathers, and if it is not communicated, the other person can develop the deepest misunderstandings from it.
The best solution: understanding the other person’s view of money and values helps you understand how they behave, and thus determine if you and the other person are on the same page.