The final test day of the driving school, we basically soak together every day to practice the car temporarily. We say it is a small class, a class also has more than a dozen people. The members of our class all have a whole block of time to learn to drive. I was taking advantage of my unemployment gap, while there were some people whose families were well off and didn’t need him to go out to work to earn money anyway, so they came to learn, and Sister Sally was one of them.
Sister Sally looked like she was just 25 or 26 years old, young and fashionable, and well fed. We first thought she was rich, then once a man came over to pick her up, the man looked very old phase, I joked with her: careful your old man came home to break your legs, young age and big money. She laughed and trembled: “What big money ah, that is my husband, my husband looks like big money?” Her husband looks more like an old man. Of course, I may be saying this out of male jealousy.
Her man is a seaman, away from home all the time, earning a decent income, but in exchange for a long separation as husband and wife. She said directly and despondent, last year her man to appease her, bought her a car, but unfortunately she does not know how to drive, so find relations in the rental car agency, they also charge a little fee. She put her children in boarding school, and it was too hard for her to bring them up alone.
I listened to her and listened in awe. Everyone has a story, but Sally’s story hit me straight in the heart. My dad was also away a lot when I was a kid, and I was in foster care with my uncle, so I didn’t know much about my mom’s living situation. She picked me up every weekend and brought me home. Dad would come back occasionally, the nature of his job dictated that he was always running around. He would always bring me gifts, but he was a little more diligent gift-giver than Santa Claus to me, and he struck me as strange, while Mom struck me as mysterious. I don’t understand why Mom can’t take me herself, I’m told it’s because she’s not well. My mom rarely smiled and loved to be stern, but Sally smiled beautifully, and these two people, who seemed to have little intersection, intersected deep inside me.
We spent every day practicing together, and Sally, who was not very good at it, was always screaming so loudly that I could hear her from a distance. That scream was described as unpleasant by some older men, but I felt a great desire to protect her. I began to involuntarily take care of her, tell her some driving essentials, and even take the initiative to ask her to use my friend’s car to practice together. In front of my friends, I introduced her as a driving school classmate. I know she must be older than me.
In return for taking care of her in my practice car, she started to care about me. First of all, she was concerned about my personal problems. She wanted to introduce some girls she knew to me as girlfriends. I also met two of them, one was just entering the bank work, 21 years old, and the other was a student just out of college, 22 years old. Both look very cute, but not my favorite type. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to the market.
I have always had little resistance to food, and she invited me and my friends to dinner after every practice. She said she didn’t want to take advantage of me, like an adult bullying a child. I simply had to jump three feet high, she actually classified me and her with adults and children, not just because she married a man? I don’t like how she deliberately draws the line at me like that.
When we practice together she knows that I hate standing in line, and if she’s in front of me she’ll give me her spot, willingly. Sometimes she would bring some of her home baked cookies and cakes and other treats to share with everyone. Her baking skills are so good that even the coach is sometimes bribed by her to let her practice a few more times. She was very well liked among the people who were learning to drive together, and everyone supported her. The fact that other people are so fond of her actually makes me feel a little proud inside. Is this, in fact, love?
With all this build-up, it’s just a matter of falling in love with someone in an instant. The moment I fell in love with her was when she came out of the cab and saw her sweating like rain. From the forehead to the tip of the nose is full of sweat. I said to her, you sweat a lot, like out of the water. She smiled at me flirtatiously, she said she was a water snake. I thought of Xu Xian and the White Lady in a moment of ecstasy. She really has some charm.
It was serendipitous to know her actual age, and she invited us to dinner for her birthday. She said it was her birthday, but unfortunately her husband couldn’t be with her. At that time, I projected that she was 36 years old based on the fact that her children were in elementary school. I don’t think you can tell just by looking at her, but time has not left any traces on her body.
We all had a great meal, and it cost over $1,000. She asked me about my plans after I got my license, and I said to find a job to do first. She said she had friends who needed people there, and I said how come you don’t go yourself? She said she had to take care of the kids. I said be careful your husband is using the child to hold you back, so you are out of touch with society. She asked me where do you think I’m out of touch? I said just because you can’t see it for now doesn’t mean it won’t come up later. Her friend is doing animation and is still more on my path. I suddenly think she probably knows me best in the world, better than my parents who only know what I like and what I fit into, and they only know how to point fingers.
My parents were also happy to learn that I got a job and made sure I invited her to dinner. It was my first time inviting her to dinner, and even though it was with my family, it still made my palms sweat with nerves. During the meal I imagined that she was my girlfriend, that I was taking her to meet my parents for the first time, and then, we were having dinner together. The idea came up uncontrollably, and I couldn’t press it back. I secretly glanced at her, afraid that she would see through my mind, but fortunately she did not have the ability to read minds.
I ran off to work without waiting to get my driver’s license, and she actually became my co-worker as fast as she could. She said she followed my advice, and the word “followed” she used seemed so birdlike, proving once again to be my type, even though there was a 13-year age difference between us. Outside of learning to drive, we had more time for contact. My feelings for her are crying out for attention.
We got our driver’s licenses in September. It was that night that a bunch of us went out to celebrate and we all got high. I used the power of alcohol to get up the courage to say to Sally that I like you. Sally said the sound is too noisy she did not hear what I said, this time I obviously said: I love you. Sally laughed and laughed and cried.
I later learned that she felt like a plant that hadn’t been watered in a long time. In fact, she has long had a crush on me, which is why she is extra concerned about me, and she says I am especially like one of her cousins. The cousin’s father passed away at an early age, no one could control him, and she was immersed in her own relationship and did not have the energy to care for him. Later, the cousin went astray and was used by bad people and became a juvenile delinquent. It’s a sad story. She said she always felt sorry for that cousin and took care of me like she did for her brother. I reached out to take her into my arms. Life is full of hopelessness, and she, literally, wrapped herself around me like a water snake.
Liking someone has always had a certain karma, and there is no such thing as love without a reason. Even feelings that are unacceptable by worldly people. We had the most intimate relationship. At first I was afraid she would get pregnant and she told me she would take the pill every time. Although we put down one hundred and twenty hearts, what should come came. In November, her period did not come. It took more than ten days to come. She suspected that she was pregnant and I said how could that be, didn’t you take measures? She began to blame me, saying that I did not know how to protect her and care for her, and that I could not afford to take responsibility in case something happened. I stayed there for a while, she had a point, if she really got pregnant, I can afford to take responsibility for this? Obviously, my family would not be able to pass this hurdle. This thought gave me some fear when I faced her, or even thought about her.
I started avoiding her. I even left the flat she had introduced me to. She called me and scolded me, and all I could do was listen. This stalemate lasted for a week, six days to be exact, and one day she texted me: the alarm was lifted, her period was just delayed a bit because of the stress of working in a new environment.
She always had doubts about me. I do the same with her. Two insecure people who don’t feel safe and can’t create security and have to play sister and brother is a pipe dream. She started calling and texting me on her own initiative, and I still have feelings for her, but when I think of her family and the happiness she has now, I’m sure I can give less than a third of her current life, and I think I can only love her in my own way. Since I can’t give her more than the happiness she currently has, I’ll step aside. She probably guessed what I was thinking and sent me a twitter email asking me: How do you know what kind of life I want? I was stumped by the question.
What is it to like someone to the point of being afraid to see her?