Meeting someone you like is a happy thing. But will this happy happiness last? No one can answer that. How to make two people’s feelings not worn by time and space, but let time become the ferment between us, feelings like red wine more and more fragrant? What is the key to happiness? We are always looking for it. Let psychologists tell us which four killers exist among gender relationships.
Meeting someone you love in a sea of people is a stroke of luck, but making a relationship work takes work. We all have the ability to fall in love with someone, but we often lack the perseverance to go all the way with someone. In a relationship or marriage, there are real potential killers that keep a relationship from continuing.
Four Potential Killers
1. Criticism of people over things
Every couple has some gripes about each other, which is normal, and often because we are the closest to each other, we can see most directly what he could be better at. But criticism is not the same as a complaint of dissatisfaction. Criticism attacks the person, not just their behavior.
The endless criticism in a relationship will prevent the angry partner from ever being able to express the emotional garbage in their mind because they’ve decided “this is who this person is,” and the other partner will lose their confidence in the relationship because they’re constantly being put down. The other person will lose confidence in the relationship because they are constantly being put down, and gradually lose the motivation to stay together.
2. Disdain for the other person
Rolling eyes, nose The snorting, taunting, malicious and personal humor, contempt for the other person is the scariest of the potential killers, because such taunting is not harmless, but sends a message of “disgust”. And once your significant other finds out that your body language reveals your “dislike” for him, a relationship will be difficult to continue to develop. The reason is that no one likes to spend time with someone who hates them, and no one likes to put a hot face on someone else’s cold ass all the time.
Momentary flirting may be fun, but years and years of contemptuous flirting over time will gradually unbalance the relationship.
3. Aggressive Self-Defense
Self-Defense
Self-defense is something we all have, and after all, it’s not always easy to let another person into our hearts completely.
But when self-defense turns into blame-shifting and attacking the other person, it’s not so pleasant. Such self-defense tends to make arguments even more endless, allowing conflict to flare up, and when conflict is always endless, tensions between couples continue to rise.
Think about what would happen if your significant other told you, “It’s all your fault! What would you be thinking? When the relationship becomes one of mutual blame dumping and aggressive self-defense, it takes the relationship further and further away from each other.
4. Inner wall-building that refuses to involve the other person
Refusing to By speaking up, going cold turkey, and still refusing to talk about your inner feelings with the other person after the event, you’re shutting yourself off with a stone wall where your significant other can no longer find you.
The act of building a wall inside may keep the conflict from getting worse in the moment, but it can have a profoundly damaging effect on the relationship afterwards, and the constant building of the wall can cause the person building the wall to disengage more and more from the relationship until one day they find themselves unable to get out of the stone wall. The wall of stone is the only way to get out.
How to solve the problem
The truth is that every relationship The point is never “whether the problem is solved successfully” but rather “how the problem is solved” for each couple.
John Gottman points out that 69% of couples’ problems are timeless, which is why couples keep coming up with the same issues over and over again. Because most arguments start with different upbringings, lifestyles, and personality differences, most problems are difficult to resolve, but many lovers still spend years trying to change their significant other’s mind, and chafing at why they keep failing to do so.
In that case, is there anything we can do but sit back and wait for the fight to happen? Try these two approaches to accept that the problems exist and to build a deeper understanding of your significant other through these problems. Even if the problem is not solved in the end, you also understand each other better in the process. The more you argue, the more you love each other, or the more you argue, the less you see each other, and it’s often just a fine line.
1. Accept that these problems are part of the relationship
Relationships aren’t just sweet times, little arguments between couples are part of the relationship. Since you can’t avoid it, why not find a way to live with it and make the quarrel also an eternal tacit understanding between the two.
2. When you pick your significant other, you also pick a set of problems that must be overcome
In the other person, there may be things you like and things you don’t like. When you choose this person, you have to take these likes and dislikes all inclusive, these are what make up the whole of him. Think about it another way, how is he not treating you that way?
What we need to do
1. Get to know each other really well
People are very complex creatures, and even if you like them a lot and care about them especially, after being together for so many years, you don’t necessarily know them completely. And people will change with time and circumstances, so we need to maintain constant communication and exchange, and need to understand each other’s thoughts before we can join hands.
2. Be careful not to hurt each other even when emotions get out of control
There’s no denying that we all have moments when our emotions get out of control, when we yell and scream and feel like the world is sorry for us. But when we argue, we should also avoid throwing all of our negative emotions at our significant other, because that’s when the words we say can turn into a sword that stabs the other person in their most vulnerable part.
Every couple should develop their own approach to reconciliation and how to resolve the conflict in the moment. Afterwards, it is also important to have a good long talk about the problems between each other.
3. Make up before the end of the day
Sun Yanzhi sings in I miss” sings, “After the quarrel, the urge to love you is still there. And one of the keys to a stable relationship is indeed that!
We will argue, but afterwards, we still want to live with each other; we still want to move forward with each other. Research shows that there is indeed truth in “not fighting overnight”. Before going to bed, let go of each other’s opinions, try to talk about why the fight happened without too much emotion, also honestly talk about the concerns and problems in your heart, and finally don’t forget to give each other a deep hug, this is very helpful to help the relationship grow. If you don’t talk about your problems, they can get worse in the future and become unexploded bombs in your relationship.
We are all born as one person, and each of us is a different individual, so it’s absolutely difficult to have an intimate coexistence with another person. But how wonderful it would be if there was such a person in the world who is worth following to rub, rub, collide, embrace, confide and love each other. And thanks to that person around us for giving us eternal feelings in limited days.