Many times, 2 people who get along are prone to negative emotions if they don’t communicate well. When faced with these emotional shocks, how do you diffuse your emotions and communicate well with each other?
There is a statement in deep psychology that the subconscious mind is needed for partners to deal with negative emotional experiences. This statement can be understood in two ways.
On the one hand, one is potentially looking for an “ideal person” who can carry one’s desire and understanding of family, who is even like one’s parents on some level, or A member of the original family. But in the new intimate relationship, there must be something special that you are not satisfied with and that you want the other person to change. The new intimacy is a way of trying to stop feeling the same way you did in your family of origin, by rejecting certain personality traits and habits.
On the other hand, by becoming the other person’s partner and lover, one level is playing the role of a reservoir for the other person’s emotions. When the other person is too emotionally charged, you need to temporarily “store water” for the other person, and when the other person is emotionally numb and uninspired, you need to inject “living water” for the other person to interact with each other. This role becomes a mission, an expression of importance.
In this way, neither state is easy, so when the other person or the interaction is in a bad mood, what should the emotional bearer be aware of to achieve emotional regulation and metabolize negative emotional experiences?
Winnnicott, a British psychologist, proposed a theory that building “holding environments” in interpersonal interactions can help with spiritual healing and growth. The idea is that when a person who is emotionally frustrated and in need of help encounters emotional support, understanding, tolerance and care for the temporarily “childish” person’s attempts to vent his or her emotions and regulate relationships, then the person will adjust over time and come out of anxiety, depression and anger, and The mind will grow because of the care of this environment. This environment is called a holding environment.
This idea of Winnicott’s is widely used in counseling, child education, medical care, and even business negotiation. This is because it has been found from practice that the implementation of a holding environment does not require high construction costs or a particularly complex training background. So if we apply this to families, what do we need to do in intimate relationships in order to have the characteristics of “holding” and to be a holding environment?
First, don’t deny or reject the other person’s emotions in the moment
For example, if you’ve worked hard at home to prepare dinner, but your loved one is really in a depressed state, don’t deny that his/her mood is “nothing”, “it’ll be fine in a while”, or blame the other person “having” the emotion of the moment. Try to understand that the other person is really in a less comfortable emotion, to pay attention to his/her current emotional experience, to accept the existence of this emotion. Try to ask, “It seems like you have some bad feelings, would you like to talk to me about them?”
Second, instead of subjective inferences and delusions, try to ask what’s really going on
“He must have been scolded by the leader at work and wants to take it out on me; or he thinks I didn’t charge his phone well last night and is using it as an excuse; or he’s punishing me for being slow in packing before I left home this morning and making him rush to work —–“. When we are in this state of subjective imagination and mental closure, it is difficult to see the other person’s true feelings and state. The best way is to gently ask: “Just now waiting for anxious? Why do you seem to be carrying emotions?” It may be a little difficult – to put yourself aside in the face of emotional pressure from the other person, and focus on the other person first – but the reservoir is needed to temporarily take on the other person’s surging emotions. And once his emotions have calmed down, the other person will be grateful, and the relationship will improve, and the tolerance of the relationship will increase.
Third, patient listening and emotional attention
In your own After being able to let go of imagination and focus on the other person’s reality, the other person will often have a story to tell, at which point it’s good to listen patiently. Then the emotions you hear, feedback to him, maybe that is exactly what he lacks understanding and attention, because he is the “authority”. For example, he will say: “This month’s performance is not good, and not my bad, it is the group’s bad, so I am implicated in this annoying performance assessment, the team can achieve, we are happy; but I personally do well enough, but because of the situation of others and dragged down, it is really twisted ——“. Try not to interrupt him, even if he says extreme, biased, or even not very rational does not matter, the most critical is that he has to talk about the feelings of frustration, and your company is a great comfort and care.
When he’s done, try to give him brief feedback on his emotions, “It sounds like you were able to reach your goal on your own, which would have been great to be happy about, but because of the problems of the other members of your group, it affected you, so you’re very disappointed, and some blame on them. Because you can’t see it when things are good, you’re the innocent victim when things go wrong. This makes you very uncomfortable. Now talk to me, does it feel better?”
Fourth, add a positive interpretation to the other person’s experience
When the other person’s emotions are taken care of and peace is gradually restored, if you can identify his or her “bullheaded” thoughts and ideas, and you can provide a more constructive understanding, try to tell him or her, after all, you are “on the sidelines”. For example, “I think since you can meet their own standards, try to share their experience, so that everyone and you together with excellent, than you blame them for this more problem solving, after all, your previous teamwork is still quite good. Maybe they need some help in their recent work? Maybe everyone is quite embarrassed at this time, involving you, if you can stand up for yourself and be generous, maybe it will not happen again in the future, also count on mending the fold. Maybe people will appreciate your organizational and professional skills more because of this”. Behind every emotion, there is an individual and even team meaning. Sometimes the emotional experience is too painful for the person to bear, so they can’t see or look at it clearly for a while.
Fifth, when for always experiencing some complexes over and over again, it is recommended that the person receive professional counseling help
“Complex” is a concept summarized by the psychologist Jung, which means that everyone has some fixed or easily developed tendencies that are difficult to adjust or to emerge from self-reflection, even when they conflict with reality. However, the dissonance between this complex and reality often causes lasting painful and contradictory experiences. If your loved one is always experiencing a certain emotion over and over again and has difficulty regulating it effectively, you can recommend that he receive professional counseling. Psychoanalytically oriented counseling that focuses on the inner experience is of course preferred.