There is no such thing as hate without a reason, and not all princes and princesses in the world can be happy forever. Sometimes, the more intimate but the more desperate people are. Some people, love to the depths, but each other hurt, and eventually strangers. Why strong feelings, but not a good end? All because, desperate love, hurt people more deeply, the following, summed up the most maddening seven kinds of love. The most important thing is to make sure that you have a good idea of what you are doing.
1.I love you, so I’m leaving you
We often The beauty of the story is that at first sight, the love is deep, but the person disappears. It is because of the abrupt end of the story, so that the story is stuck in the most beautiful moment, so that is why it is so attractive.
The story is actually a replica of life. In life, there are indeed so many people who, when they face the person they love, the deeper they love, the more they fear. When they feel that the opposite person is more and more important to him, their hearts will produce fear, facing that increasingly important up to him, his heart will produce strong unease: will he leave me? Does he really love me? The more important the other person is to him, the deeper his doubts will be. The more important the person is to him, the deeper his doubts will be. In order to avoid the important person abandoning him, he will go ahead and leave the danger of being “left”.
2. I’m afraid of losing you because I love you
Because I’m afraid of losing you, I’m going to go ahead and leave you. This pattern often causes a lot of pain for the other person because they can’t figure out why that person would leave out of the blue when their relationship is growing closer.
These people who run away from intimacy often experienced abandonment during their formative years. Of course, this abandonment doesn’t necessarily happen in reality, but in the mind of the person who was a child at the time, he would experience it as being abandoned by a loved one, such as being placed in foster care, such as being left alone in the hospital, such as being lost with his parents, or being picked up late from kindergarten, or having less play with his parents because they were busy at work, etc. Because for a child, he is totally dependent on his parents’ care to survive, and when he needs his parents, they are not in his sight, which can bring strong fear to this child’s heart, and among his feelings, he can interpret this not seeing his parents as being abandoned by them, and this feeling of abandonment can be devastating for him as well.
So when he enters an intimate relationship, the fear of abandonment that he experienced earlier is reawakened, and when he can’t handle the fear of abandonment, he chooses to leave the loved one first. In this way, on the feeling level, he can take the initiative of the relationship into his hands and thus avoid the pain of abandonment.
3. Throwing a tantrum at the person who treats you best
The person who loves to throw a tantrum People who have a temper tantrum tend to have a lot of fear inside them, and in order to make sure they are not overwhelmed by that fear, they use the tantrum hair style to suppress the feeling of fear. This is like a warrior on the battlefield, when he sees his comrades killed and wounded, his inner fear will drive him to bravely put up a fight, because the braver he fights, the more likely he is to protect himself to survive. So many times, the tantrum is just a defense against the weakness of the cold coming out inside.
The person who is weak inside actually has a lot of fear in his heart when he loses his temper, and they are afraid that they will lose the person who is important to them because of their temper tantrum. Therefore, they tend to lose their temper will first make a choice: choose the relatively safe people to release their inner pressure, because the relatively safe people will not abandon him because of his bad temper. And this relatively safe person is often the one who treats him the best, the one he can be sure in his heart that the other person cares about him.
So often we see that a person who is often thought of as a great guy outside the door at home will come home and bring the house down.
4. You always feel “you owe me” in the people closest to you
4. indent:2em;text-align:left;”>For those we love, because we love them, we tend to bet on them with high expectations, and when this expectation is not met, we feel angry because the other person does not meet us, because the other person “owes me”.
In an intimate relationship, this “you owe me” expression can create guilt in the other person and thus exert strong control over the other person, and sometimes it is a very effective form of control. Sometimes this is a very effective way of control, but at the same time, it can also be very destructive. One of my clients experienced that she could be kicked out of the house at any time if she did not meet her parents’ needs, after being told to do so by her parents all day long. So, in her life, she struggled to meet her parents’ demands of her, and when she couldn’t, she was engulfed by intense guilt, and over time, she became intensely angry with her parents, because no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t seem to fully meet their expectations of the ground, and under the pressure of this guilt, when she couldn’t bear it, she finally chose to fight it, and her relationship with her parents came to the brink of breaking down .
5. In fact, we all have the emotion of “hate” for those we love.
In an intimate relationship, the more important we feel the other person is to us, the more we tend to look forward to getting all of him, and maybe even to swallowing him up so we can have him all to ourselves. The more important we feel the other person is to us, the more we tend to expect to get all of him, and maybe even to swallow him up so we can have him all. And the reality is that we can’t fully own another person because that is an individual completely separate from us, so when we feel that reality, we also have a strong sense of frustration, and that frustration has the potential to lead us into hatred for the person we love.
In life, we often see examples of what is known as the love of a person and the hate of a person. One of my talkers once talked to me about his hatred for me: when he saw the index of so many talkers’ names in my record book, he suddenly felt angry because at that moment, he realized that he was not my only patient, but I was his only therapist. It was a great blow to him. In his feelings, I was the most important one in his life, and he was only one of my patients, and he felt all of a sudden that he was not important at all before me, and it was hard for him to bear such an unequal relationship between us. When he realized he wasn’t the only one for me, he felt himself as weak and inferior and unappreciated and unloved, and these feelings were hard for him to face, so he used his anger to stop himself from feeling these contents, and when he felt hard about his anger tolerance as well, his anger flared up at me.
6. If you can’t fully guess what I need from you, you’re my enemy
As we slowly grow up, if our primitive sense of omnipotence has ever been relatively well met, we can build on that and slowly have the ability to accept reality, slowly perceive and accept our weakness in frustration, and thus give up the expectation of omnipotence. For some people who did not do this well growing up, there is a primitive sense of omnipotence remaining in their ego, and they expect themselves to have God-like energy so that they can meet their needs well. This is their way of dealing with the pressures of reality, and they expect that when they have superpowers, they will be able to avoid the damage done to them by the unfulfillment from the outside world.
So, in an intimate relationship, they sometimes can’t expect the other person to respond according to the principle of realism, and they expect the other person to know exactly what they need, and when they have something on their mind, they don’t even have to say it, they can come forward and meet it. When the other person doesn’t do that, he feels like they are hurting him, and he may even get angry about it.
7. You’re so perfect, I can only be careful in front of you
Comfortable intimacy is one in which both partners are equal, in which both are true to themselves and both are free to express themselves.
For some people who have had more traumatic experiences growing up, they may not have the capacity to experience the other person as an equal to themselves, and they need to idealize the other person completely to satisfy their own need for perfection or dependency. It is initially comforting to be around such a person. When we are idealized by another person, we feel admiration from them, affirmation from them, etc., and that makes us feel capable and worthy, so it makes us feel comfortable.