We usually go on to make judgments about things based on experience and what we’ve seen from others. Sometimes, this is the right choice. In relationships, it can also be a poor choice.
Be brave enough to love, but even more so, be sensible. Love is one of the most important things in life, and the most difficult to grasp. The feelings in love are so varied and complex that it is easy to distrust our own feelings and trust some dogma, which is a very dangerous thing to do.
Mistake #1: Forgetting about love
The answer in many people’s hearts is – it’s better to be oblivious to love. If you have this answer, consciously or unconsciously, then hell awaits you.
That is, he does not love you, but he loves himself. Would you be with someone who only loved yourself? The answer is obvious.
Mistake #2: You’ll know how to love when you’re older
The ability to love that actually has little to do with age.
Relationships are a way of projecting the internal patterns of relationships we formed in childhood with our families, such as parents, onto the external relationships we have with loved ones in adulthood. People who have harmonious relationships with their families in childhood are more likely to achieve harmony in their relationships when they fall in love; people who have too much conflict with their families in childhood are more likely to have conflict in their relationships when they fall in love. This projection is fairly constant and not very much related to age.
Mistake #3: You can do it, rely on you
Men make women believe There are two ways to convince a woman of her own line: one, to show her own merits; two, to deny a woman’s merits.
It’s interesting to note that during a relationship, many women’s self-confidence takes a big hit when they are frequently denied by their lovers, and their thoughts are actually “Since you always say I can’t do it, you must be able to do it, in that case, I’ll I’m relying on you”.
Men more or less understand this. So, they are generally used to deny women and to pretend to be good at it. And, the more inferior they are inside, the more they pretend to be “I’m good”. However, it turns out that there is no necessary connection between saying “you can’t” and “I can”.
Mistake #4: If you love you, you’ll treat you well
This is one of the most common dogmas about love.
This is one of the most common dogmas about love, and the most damaging.
This dogma is true for a person whose heart is full of love, but it is wrong for a person whose heart is full of hate. Often this inner relationship pattern comes from childhood influences.
Be sure to see this side of love, or you can easily become disillusioned with it. As much as possible, stay away from people with terrible internal relationship patterns unless the person is self-reflective.
Mistake #5: People who are good to their friends are good partners
No matter No matter how much a person seems to care about his or her relationship with a friend or colleague, the relationship still produces far less emotional depth than a couple’s relationship. Thus, a person can better use reason and will control his or her emotions when dealing with such relationships with friends and coworkers. But in a deep couple relationship, no one wants to control themselves.
So we often see the phenomenon that many people are indifferent to their spouses and children and affectionate to outsiders. And so, some people with terrible internal relationship patterns can have extremely scary splits: simply like a saint on the outside, but an unabashed tyrant at home.
Mistake #6: Giving is proportional to receiving
The idea that there must be giving The idea that there will be a payoff is a deep narcissism. The person who thinks this way does not actually see the other person’s true existence; she is giving to herself. She is giving to her own needs, not necessarily the needs of the lover.
The practice of giving in a relationship and not asking for the slightest thing from the lover is sometimes accompanied by the implicit message that – since I’ve done such a perfect job, I’m asking for nothing, so If there is any problem in our relationship, it is not my responsibility, but yours. People who are used to playing the absolute giver in love should reflect on what they are really after.
Mistake #7: I can’t leave you because I love you
The truth There are several possibilities:
First, I’m terrified of being alone, and being alone gives me a serious sense of abandonment, which is worse than death, so I’d rather stay in a hopeless love.
Second, I’m narcissistic, I can’t let go of what I’ve given, and I want to see a good return for what I’ve given. If not, I’m not happy about it, so I’m going to put in more to get the good results I want. To put it in economic terms, it’s too competitive with sunk costs, like a gambler who can’t see himself losing.
Third, I’m narcissistic, I’m a moral saint, so I can’t afford to have an intimate relationship that ends with me, and that means I’m not the good guy. So I’d rather take it, I’m going to wait for you to bring up the breakup and for you to be the one to do it wrong. If you do, then I don’t have to carry any reputation for injustice.
Mistake #8: Marriage is because of love
The truth is that, at least in China, there are too few marriages that come together because of love.
Why? Because, in the face of the person you love most, the longing around love is evoked, the despair around love is evoked, the good and the terrible feelings come pouring out intertwined, and the intensity of the emotions is so strong that it can be overwhelming.
Being together because you can project your inner garbage onto each other. This logic is the truth about the odd choice of many people’s marriages.
Mistake #9: Love is about happiness and joy
A psychologist found that after his child did something to produce a feeling, he would keep trying similar things to inspire the same feeling. The compulsive pursuit of some important feeling within is the truth of our destiny.
Marriage doesn’t automatically become happy just because you choose Mr. or Ms. Right without a deep learning process. It will not automatically become happy just because you choose Mr. Right or Miss Right. Because the life experiences we sometimes automatically pursue may not be happiness.
Mistake #10: You can’t cherish until you’ve been hurt
Many men One of the things they often do when developing a new relationship is to complain. They portray their previous relationships as bad, their ex-girlfriends or ex-wives as horrible, and so the maternal nature of the woman who is the object of the confession is triggered. However, what the person who is the object of the confession forgets is that the confederate is in free love, and the former lover is their free choice, and they should be at least half responsible for their choice.
We often say that people should learn from their mistakes, but that is only wishful thinking. The truth is that people with such valuable qualities are always a minority, and most people always fall in the same place in life, and fall in exactly the same position. So, assuming the person pursuing you had a messy love life before, the greater likelihood is that his prospects with you will also be a mess, rather than suddenly getting better.
A more harmonious person inside will be willing to introspect, and such a person does know more and more about love as they get older.
If experience doesn’t work in relationships, what then? Take it with a grain of salt. Every conclusion has a premise, and someone else’s conclusion may not be the same as yours, so it’s normal that it doesn’t apply. Learn to find your own conclusions, starting with the square premise.