Perhaps every man has had two women in his life, at least two. The company’s main business is to provide a wide range of products and services to its customers. Whoever it is, whoever gets it easily will not know how to cherish it.
People who are hurt in their relationships often express such feelings. In fact, not only in the world of relationships, but also in our lives, we can see similar phenomena everywhere. The news reported a while ago that a man in the United States won a $27 million lottery ticket, but squandered it over a 12-year period, eventually scattering his wife and family and dying penniless in loneliness. It seems that whether it is love, wealth, or even health, we all have the same question: why is it that the easier it is to get, the less we know how to cherish?
I. Lack of reward and punishment for “cherished” behavior
I. Lack of reward and punishment for “cherished” behavior
Behaviorist psychology suggests that people’s behaviors are learned and are reinforced or weakened by reward and punishment mechanisms. When we analyze “valuing” as a broad behavior, we find that for people who do not develop “valuing” behavior, what they think is: if I value you, it will not make me get more or better; if I do not value you, I will not lose you. If I don’t cherish you, I won’t lose you, that is, I won’t be rewarded or punished for cherishing or not cherishing, then I won’t see the need to cherish you. In other words, people don’t learn to value because there is no connection between the act of “valuing” and the reward. The easier it is to get something, the less likely it is to establish a connection.
Many men and women in relationships have noticed this, and their coping mechanisms manifest themselves as “cold tactics” or “distancing tactics “to punish each other (“I won’t answer the phone! How dare you not care about me!”). . But here it is important to note that “cold tactics” should be used with caution in romantic relationships. The cold tactic is actually a kind of negative punishment. The so-called negative punishment means that once the aversive behavior occurs, some kind of benefit is removed. For example, girls and boyfriends about the law: dare to look at another girl, we two will break up! And psychologists have experimentally proven that punishment is often not an optimal strategy, and that repeated use of punishment strategies can lead to long-term negative effects. In a study of 6002 families, it was found that children who were physically punished as teenagers were more likely to grow up to be alcoholics, suicidal, depressed and more aggressive (“Break up with me every day, just break up!”). .
So, psychologists recommend using positive reinforcement to change behavior whenever possible. By positive reinforcement, we mean that the expected behavior, once it occurs, adds some kind of benefit. For example, if he takes time off work specifically to pick you up from the station, you take the initiative and ask him if he wants to have sex tonight. Seeing this, what else comes to mind?
II. Compromising sexual object venting
Freud believed that Instincts (including sexual instincts, aggression, etc.) are always looking for outlets to vent, and this energy venting constitutes an internal drive aimed at eliminating tension. Pleasure comes from the elimination of tension. And the reality and thought of the obstacles, and constitute a resistance, in the internal drive and resistance under the contest of activities, we call the “compromise object venting”. For example, love is the product of a compromise between sexual urges (internal drive) and moral constraints (resistance).
The point of understanding this is that compromised object-release cannot remove all tensions (e.g., romantic love does not remove all libidinal tensions). Then, the suppressed instincts create a persistent internal drive. For example, people are aggressive, and obviously boxing satisfies aggression better than commercial competition, but there is very little boxing between adults, and more commercial competition, because commercial competition, as a compromising object, removes far less aggressive tension than boxing, so the internal drive behind it is more persistent. Usually, the less you can fully release your instincts, the more enduring motivation you can generate.
There we have it: the easier it is to get something (low compromise), the more fully the tension is removed, and the weaker the internal drive to want to value it.
III. Re-acquisition costs
Master F.’s theory seems too The theory seems too difficult to understand, but it couldn’t be simpler to explain it from the perspective of “acquisition costs”. In our hearts, there is a measure of the value of things called “re-acquisition cost”, that is, the cost of reacquisition after loss. Things with high reacquisition cost are classified as high value in our mind; those with low reacquisition cost are defined as low value. If “valuing” is considered a constant psychological resource, then high-value things are naturally allocated more resources, so that things that cost less to reacquire are less likely to be valued. But everyone’s values are different, and their perceptions of re-acquisition costs are also very different.
For some people, it’s extremely hard to meet a TA who fits so well among millions of people, so they try very hard to cherish it, while some people think that whoever they end up with is destined by God, and I’m lucky if they get it. I’m lucky to get it, but I’m not. We can’t judge what kind of people are right, but perhaps we should learn to be attentive enough in every relationship. “If you leave, I won’t see you off, but if you come, no matter how windy or rainy it is, I’ll pick you up.”
Four, the word for man, one stroke
“Once there was a sincere love placed in front of me, I did not cherish it, and only when I lost it did I regret it, there is nothing more painful in the world than this.” The classic line in “Journey to the West” seems to have become a magic spell in the real world, we think we know the truth, but still time and time again to repeat such “regret too late”, apart and then remember each other’s good, sick to regret not exercising, loved ones are gone to know to filial piety, earn more and more but the more unhappy. How to break this strange circle of “cherishing only after losing”? How should those who do not know how to cherish learn to cherish, and how can those who are not cherished change the situation?
Respond positively to your TA’s concern for you – According to reinforcement theory, if one partner in a relationship is always putting a hot face on the other’s cold ass, over time the TA will no longer want to give. . So we need to know how to respond positively to each other, you know, your warm response is the best reward for TA! In addition, when we are complaining that the other party does not care enough about themselves, is not the other party a lot of silent give always take for granted?
Pursue deep interests that are not easily satisfied – According to Freud, the easier it is to satisfy something, the less it provides long-lasting motivation, and if your goal is to make enough for a million dollars. This pleasure will diminish as you have more and more money. And if you seek something deeper, like love and growth, peace and freedom, or helping more people, that desire can only ever be approached and not fully satisfied.
Becoming a better version of yourself – It’s not up to you to decide if your TA knows how to cherish you, only the unbreakable truth of always striving to become a better version of yourself. Instead of using unsustainable aloof tactics, it is better to enhance the connotation, increase wisdom and shape an irreplaceable self, thus using this uniqueness to increase your re-acquisition cost. Imagine if you were as attractive as a treasure forever, everyone would cherish the time they spend with you.