Whether it’s reflecting on the past or planning for the present and the future. Happiness is what you make of it, and sinking into the pain of frustration will only take you further and further away from it. How about picking yourself up? Besides soothing yourself, you can also get the nutrients for growth from the trauma and actually add to happiness. How do we learn how to get along as a couple?
Confide:Divorce taught me that the failure of a marriage does not mean the failure of
Anjie, 42, Aquarius, doctor, divorced for 10 years
For many years, including in my first marriage and for a long time after the divorce, I thought I was aggrieved. I think he is very good to me and truly loves me. But once married I found a lot of his problems, lazy, not clean, living habits are very poor. Honestly, I regret being married for less than six months, but after 70 I still have a more traditional and conservative view of marriage, I think divorce is a very humiliating thing, so I endured and he lived, not long after having a child, the idea of divorce was their own deadly suppression. What I never dreamed of was that once the child was 3 years old and in kindergarten, he initiated the divorce. He said he didn’t want anything, including the children, and that he was out of the house. He said very calmly, I listened to the extraordinary anger, think he is too despicable and shameless. The company’s main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers.
For six months after the divorce, I was miserable and thought my life was completely ruined by this wrong marriage. I think it’s a good idea to have a good time.
In the end, it was my daughter who woke me up. When the kindergarten did a parent-child activity, she suggested that she didn’t want me to go, but her grandmother. I asked why, she said mom you are now too ugly, face is hard, and can not smile, I’m afraid you go will scare the children. I hugged my daughter and bawled. I was so ashamed that I apologized to my daughter and swore silently in my heart that I would never scare her again. I said to myself, “Your marriage is a failure, do you want to continue to be a failure as a mother?
Being a mother makes me stop just wallowing in my own pain, and my daughter made me brave and strong enough to start walking away from the trauma of divorce one step at a time. When I gradually realized that I was in fact the maker of the unfortunate marriage, I could see everything rationally and calmly, and that I was in fact persecuting my partner after I came into the marriage as a princess on high.
It took me almost 4 years of introspection and growth. In the 5th year after my divorce, I met my current husband, fell in love for a year, and entered into marriage. This time the quality of the marriage is many times better than the first one and we both have a deep sense of happiness. Divorce has taught me to be responsible, tolerant, and cherish, and these are the key foundations of my marital happiness today.
Review:Willingness to take responsibility for change is what makes it possible
Anjie says her turning point was seeing her own responsibility in her failed marriage, and this introspection was the beginning of growth. Also, what many people learn after their first failed marriage, especially after a passive divorce, is self-protection and putting on thick armor for themselves from then on. The protection is enhanced, but it also isolates and shields the connection with others and the warmth of love. When I talked to Anjie online and face-to-face, I felt her sincerity and bravery, both in her reflections on the past and in her plans for the present and the future. Happiness is self-created, and sinking into the pain of frustration will only take you further and further away from it. How about picking yourself up, in addition to soothing yourself, and getting the nutrients for growth from your trauma to actually add to your happiness?
Confide:Return to the beginning, return to the truth
Li Dingtao, 39, Gemini, freelance, divorced for 3 years
Li Dingtao, 39, Gemini, freelance, divorced for 3 years
When I married my ex-wife, it was clear to me that I didn’t love her, not even like her, but at best, I didn’t resent or hate her. The actual fact is, I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to get a good deal on this. The result is that after 4 years of marriage, we have both become people who resent and hate each other.
I thought it would be easy to get married and live with a partner, but I really walked in and realized it wasn’t. My tolerance for her was very low, so low that I now think it’s unbelievable. For example, she cooked more garlic less pepper I will be on fire, such as after the meal she did not wash the dishes I scolded her lazy, she washed the dishes and I think she did not clean. She said tearfully in your eyes what I do is wrong, please tell me what to do in the end? I said don’t play poor and annoying, go aside by yourself.
In my conscience, she was good to me for the first two years of our marriage, and she was very willing to spend money for me and my family, and she gave even more, but I didn’t think it was enough and thought she should give more. Later, maybe she got tired and her heart faded. Two people’s hearts are cold, marriage is not interesting at all. The first thing you need to do is to get together and look at all the things you don’t like and hate.
I initiated the divorce. Neither party had an affair, but both felt that the marriage was like a house without windows, and it would only suffocate if we continued. The first time I proposed a divorce, she asked me if I could give each other another chance, and then I knew then I was desperate, just wanting a child very much. After a year of delay and no child coming, I filed for divorce a second time and she readily agreed.
When the marriage ended, I thought I was relieved, but I didn’t realize I was still not happy at all. Men are more unfit to be single than women, and after the divorce I was like a bereaved dog. In order to escape this panic, for more than half a year, I kept changing my girlfriend, people are getting more and more restless and empty. Until I met my current girlfriend, intelligent she pulled me from the air back to the ground and began to seriously think about things like: who am I? What do I want? How do I get there? And so on.
Now these questions have clear and unambiguous answers in my mind. I want to be a self-supporting, motivated, loving and responsible person. Not long ago I learned that my ex-wife has remarried and become a mother, I am truly happy for her and wish her happiness. The divorce has shown me all kinds of ugly things about myself and has taught me to return to my original heart and my true nature, and I know that this is the only way to enjoy the happiness of having my feet on the ground.
Review:Preventing the innate badness of marriage
Like Li Dingtao’s self-insight, his marriage with his ex-wife was congenitally bad, and it was always his ex-wife who was hard at work doing the solo dance, and he was like a cold and critical bystander, and such a marriage was doomed to a broken end. Fortunately they had no children, and the divorce was much simpler and easier. When people consider marriage is to consider a lot of practical factors, but if you forget that the foundation of marriage is emotion, in fact, is to sow the seeds of misfortune. Marriage is a technical job, long live is the key, how can you do long live not tired? It is very important to have like and love, know respect and be able to communicate these emotional foundation.