In life, you always see or hear about grumpy husbands who scold their children at every turn, and the anger in their hearts is several times higher than normal. Some people put up with it and get over it, but Lu Yue, a relationship psychology expert, tells us not to underestimate this anger in them, perhaps they have an unhealed scar from their childhood, and the most important thing you can do as their side is to take them out of this cycle.
We often hear wives complaining about their husbands’ temper and their inability to tolerate their children crying, and sometimes we see people who have “road rage” or are prone to conflict in the workplace. Sometimes we also see people who have “road rage” or who are prone to conflict with others in the workplace. Compared to the normal reaction of the average person to anger, the anger inside them seems to exceed the stimulus several times, as if there is a large amount of explosives in their body. Whereas other people’s anger only ignites a “cannonball,” these people ignite an “arsenal.
This anger is meaningful, and over the years it has tried to remind the person over and over again that he has a wound that hasn’t healed and that he needs to address a long-standing problem that has not been resolved. As time has continued, the problem has snowballed until the man himself and those close to him can no longer avoid it.
Someone once told me that her husband never allowed his children to cry, that he couldn’t help but hit them when they cried or disobeyed him, and that he hit them especially hard, but that he cried himself after each beating. He told his wife that he was often beaten by his father when he was a child, and once he was even hung from a tree and beaten all afternoon until he went into shock.
This out-of-control behavior he has now comes from a painful childhood memory. Pain is a memory and moreover an energy. All memories seek to express themselves again, for example, we seek pleasure and want to bring it back again and again. But equally we seek pain, although this is somewhat difficult to understand.
More than a hundred years ago, Freud discovered in his observations of his children that after experiencing a painful or pleasurable event, the child would unconsciously create the same opportunity over and over again later in order to experience the same emotion, and he called this phenomenon compulsive repetition.
In interpersonal relationships, compulsive repetition can be understood as the constant reproduction of relationship patterns that were formed when a person was a child. Everyone who has a deficit in some aspect of childhood psychological development will unconsciously and compulsively regress at the psychological level to the stage of psychological development where they suffered setbacks, repeating in reality the complexes and relationships of childhood.
There are two modes of repetition of suffering, one is through self-abuse, such as withdrawing from relationships, allowing others to violate one’s rights, and repeating the experience of failure over and over again; the other is other-abuse, deflecting suffering by abusing the weak, and of course eventually seeing the weak’s The pain triggers one’s own guilt and creates another kind of self-abuse.
We can’t escape the environment we grew up in. If we grow up in a violent family, no matter how much we hate violence, all we learn is the pattern of violence because we don’t have access to nonviolence. We don’t develop other patterns of living, but only this one.
If we have had this distressing experience as a child and cannot do anything about it, then we may choose to avoid and repress the pain. When one is faced with great pain, one tends to isolate one’s emotions from one’s sanity so that one can feel a kind of numbness and not as much pain. Once this pattern is formed, his consciousness and emotions become strangers, knowing no one, unable to communicate, and so when something happens, naturally he cannot control himself, because emotions have taken over everything.
The pain doesn’t go away by avoiding it. What the pain needs is release, and if it’s repressed so deeply that it doesn’t have a chance to manifest itself, it’s like a time bomb that seeks to explode.
Hate is like a latent “virus” that automatically finds a “vector” and expands your emotions indefinitely. It will automatically find a “carrier” to extend your emotions to people who have nothing to do with it. When some people say or do something similar to what you hate at some point, even though they don’t deserve your anger, it lights a fuse that makes your anger grow bigger and bigger and finally uncontrollable.
So how do such people and their families get out of this cycle?
1. If conditions allow, seek therapy with a counselor, which is the most systematic and fundamental way to solve the problem. The only way to destroy the virus in the body and heal old wounds from the past is to face it.
Such a huge arsenal of gunpowder in the body means that the trauma has not been dealt with well over the years, and every time you “get angry” at others, you are actually making the trauma deeper and wider.
2. Let out decades of negative energy in a positive way.
The irritable person can have a half hour to an hour of venting time each week, buy a sandbag if necessary, so that they have something to vent about, or use fragile objects like paper and boxes as props to vent about, imagining them as the person they hate and venting their hate on them. The hatred of these things are vented on these things, shouting, crying can be. This way you have a floodgate and can take the initiative of your emotions into your own hands.
3. Years of problems won’t be solved completely overnight, and getting angry can be cathartic, but it’s also an indulgence.
You have to distinguish between the mental world and the real world, and your “bag of explosives” has to be directed at the person who hurt you as a child, not at anyone in reality. Then, take three deep breaths, exhale through, inhale clean, and let your body relax; at the same time, you can massage your left little arm three fingers below the middle of the elbow, which is a little numb and painful to press, which will bring you back to your senses quickly.
4. Wives need to communicate with their husbands more, and if they want to, they can talk more about the trauma he suffered as a child.
If he is used to a life of receiving punishment, then his wife’s accusations and arguments are actually fulfilling this unhealthy pattern of his life, so she has to help him get out of this dead-end cycle, let him experience more happiness, give him warmth when he tells about the pain of the past, and Give him comfort.
Wives need to have some patience when their husbands lose control of their emotions. You actually need to be present the most, he was helpless when he was little, and now you can take on the role of being there for him and help him through this painful relapse, the tolerance and love of a lover will slowly heal one’s wounds.
5. If this involves a child who has been treated unfairly because of his father’s anger, then the couple can agree on a code word that the husband says when he feels emotionally out of control, and as soon as the wife hears the code word, she has to do a good job of isolating the child The wife, once she hears the code, has to do a good job of isolating the child from the husband to prevent the child from being hurt again.
This point is actually for the husband to learn to communicate between emotions and awareness. It is also important to explain to the child that his father’s anger has nothing to do with him because he remembers what he suffered as a child, that he is actually suffering because his father is in a bad mood, and that this is his own business and not the child’s fault.