Nowadays, people are particularly shy, and they love to save face outside. The newest addition to the list is the newest addition to the list. So, are you ready? Let’s learn the “soft complaint” communication method!
First, explain your needs without attacking.
The “hard criticism” opening often raises the other person’s hackles. For example, “What’s wrong with you? All you think about is work, never me!” The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what you’re doing. The first thing you need to do is to get a good idea of what you’re doing.
Let’s learn how to “softly complain”: point out your needs without blaming or attacking the other person. For example, “Honey, I really need you to help with the kids on the weekends, but you’ve been working every weekend for the past month.” , “I would love to be cared for by you, but it seems that in our relationship it’s always me who calls to check on you, and only me who remembers to give you gifts for the holidays.”
Second, don’t generalize and focus on specific behaviors.
The “hard criticism” is: “You always talk and never take responsibility!” That’s a heavy sentence on his/her character, and of course it pisses people off. The master of the “soft complaint” would say, “We agreed to have dinner together tonight, but you made me wait alone for a long time.” That is, describing what happened rather than stating your own conclusions about his/her personality.
Third, emotions can be “all talk and no action.
Most of the time, it’s not smart to “just talk about it,” but in intimate communication, the smartest thing to do when dealing with your negative emotions is to “talk about them, not do them. That is, finding ways to discuss your feelings with the other person without actually acting on them.
For example, you could say, “I’m so angry that I want to break something!” When you say that, you’ve expressed your true feelings and can skip the destructive practice of breaking things altogether.
Or: “You just made me a little too angry to say that, and now I want to run away.” By the way, don’t do what you feel in your heart, you don’t need to storm out the door, but stay and have a good discussion with the person about how you feel.
Another example: “I have an urge right now to open my mouth and curse you to protect myself.” Instead of really hurting and blaming the other person, say what you are feeling and what motivates you in the moment, so you avoid irreparable damage to your relationship and instead improve your emotional communication with each other.
Talking about your feelings in an “emotional talk” way doesn’t make the problem go away, but it’s a super effective invitation to intimacy. It’s like handing the person an invitation to intimacy, letting them know more about your feelings, and letting them understand that my intention is not to hurt you, but to get closer to you and give them a chance to make an intimate mental connection with you.